
7/30/2008 c11 criti-sized
Heya, long time. How's everything going?
And anyways onto the review.
[There was a spacious bed with nice sheets, silk draping on the walls, a mirror rimmed with gold, a crystal chandelier, a black table with glass inlaid into it, complete with a basket of fruits and a pitcher of water.] I thought at first, this isn't the room of a person that was taken hostage of whatever, until I read that there were no windows.
[Standing before I mirror, I lay a hand across my stomach gingerly.] The 'I' caught my attention.
[ There was no bump yet, though I could feel that my perfectly smooth stomach was different, that there was something living beneath the skin.] I like this sentence. It shows that even though she's an angel that she has some sort of human emotion.
[“Yes, about 10:10,” she replied, irritation creeping into her voice this time. “Don’t speak to me unless you need to, your voice is obnoxious. My name is Narrow.”] Her name had me laughing, and Audrey's response to it made me laugh more.
[“Eat your food and water every day. Get enough sleep. Do not harm yourself in any way. Do not come within four feat of this door. Do not try to summon your sword or wings. We have Jonathan here as well, though his quarters are not nearly so nice as yours. For his sake, as well as your own, I would advise that you heed these warnings.”] 'feet'. Hmm, it's weird that Jonathan is in a cell and Audrey is being treated like a guest that can't be trusted. Of course, there's the reason that Jonathan is more of a threat than Audrey is. But they told her not to harm herself in any way. I'm curious way.
[Ice dried it. I hid my surprise and lowered the glass quickly.] I wonder why this surprised her.
Okay, so I take back why I wondered why she was surprised about the ice, lol. You answered that at the end. Well, I agree with you, romance was a bit inevitable, and I, personally don't mind it, so long as it doesn't become ridiculous... And since you've done a great job displaying subtle hints until now I'm sure you're doing it greatly in the chapters that I have to catch up on.
C.S.
Heya, long time. How's everything going?
And anyways onto the review.
[There was a spacious bed with nice sheets, silk draping on the walls, a mirror rimmed with gold, a crystal chandelier, a black table with glass inlaid into it, complete with a basket of fruits and a pitcher of water.] I thought at first, this isn't the room of a person that was taken hostage of whatever, until I read that there were no windows.
[Standing before I mirror, I lay a hand across my stomach gingerly.] The 'I' caught my attention.
[ There was no bump yet, though I could feel that my perfectly smooth stomach was different, that there was something living beneath the skin.] I like this sentence. It shows that even though she's an angel that she has some sort of human emotion.
[“Yes, about 10:10,” she replied, irritation creeping into her voice this time. “Don’t speak to me unless you need to, your voice is obnoxious. My name is Narrow.”] Her name had me laughing, and Audrey's response to it made me laugh more.
[“Eat your food and water every day. Get enough sleep. Do not harm yourself in any way. Do not come within four feat of this door. Do not try to summon your sword or wings. We have Jonathan here as well, though his quarters are not nearly so nice as yours. For his sake, as well as your own, I would advise that you heed these warnings.”] 'feet'. Hmm, it's weird that Jonathan is in a cell and Audrey is being treated like a guest that can't be trusted. Of course, there's the reason that Jonathan is more of a threat than Audrey is. But they told her not to harm herself in any way. I'm curious way.
[Ice dried it. I hid my surprise and lowered the glass quickly.] I wonder why this surprised her.
Okay, so I take back why I wondered why she was surprised about the ice, lol. You answered that at the end. Well, I agree with you, romance was a bit inevitable, and I, personally don't mind it, so long as it doesn't become ridiculous... And since you've done a great job displaying subtle hints until now I'm sure you're doing it greatly in the chapters that I have to catch up on.
C.S.
6/30/2008 c25
17FireInsideMyself
oo! i need to know! must have more information! plz update soon!-Salem

oo! i need to know! must have more information! plz update soon!-Salem
6/29/2008 c10 criti-sized
Okay, I'm back... Not that it matter, lol.
[I stood in the clearing, the gates behind my gleaming in the sunlight.] *me*
[a lenience I would not have aloud with anyone else.] *allowed*
[The sky melting away like wax, bleeding down the walls, to the ground, to my feat, puddles of multicolored slime swirling across the dark ground… Before I could look up, a light, blindingly bright, and a bitter acrid taste, like copper under my tongue, then… black.] )feet*. This is a really descriptive sentence. The way that you wrote seems to make it easier to imagine... Something I'm still trying to do.
[My eyes snapped open, and I leapt to my feat, making the chains at jingle together like bells.] *feet*
[“Which who is using you right now, so technically, you do to.”] *too*
[ I didn’t need high speed, I was still faster enough to catch him on-aware.] Did you mean unaware here?
[He was eying the demon next to him with distrust, anger, hate... and something else.] Hmm, I wonder why he was doing that.
Another great chapter. Jonathan has become too dependent on his powers, as you had, and it's a liability to him now. And for some reason Karreth didn't seem as threatening as he was supposed to be, lol. It was most likely from him being caught unexpectedly. That'll make people raise eyes at alertness.
C.S.
Okay, I'm back... Not that it matter, lol.
[I stood in the clearing, the gates behind my gleaming in the sunlight.] *me*
[a lenience I would not have aloud with anyone else.] *allowed*
[The sky melting away like wax, bleeding down the walls, to the ground, to my feat, puddles of multicolored slime swirling across the dark ground… Before I could look up, a light, blindingly bright, and a bitter acrid taste, like copper under my tongue, then… black.] )feet*. This is a really descriptive sentence. The way that you wrote seems to make it easier to imagine... Something I'm still trying to do.
[My eyes snapped open, and I leapt to my feat, making the chains at jingle together like bells.] *feet*
[“Which who is using you right now, so technically, you do to.”] *too*
[ I didn’t need high speed, I was still faster enough to catch him on-aware.] Did you mean unaware here?
[He was eying the demon next to him with distrust, anger, hate... and something else.] Hmm, I wonder why he was doing that.
Another great chapter. Jonathan has become too dependent on his powers, as you had, and it's a liability to him now. And for some reason Karreth didn't seem as threatening as he was supposed to be, lol. It was most likely from him being caught unexpectedly. That'll make people raise eyes at alertness.
C.S.
6/26/2008 c9 criti-sized
I just realized that this chapter is short. I hadn't looked at it before 0_o
[I gather there is something you wish to discuss with me?”] You forgot you qoutation marks.
[“You know, of course, that the world has been suffering profoundly more than expected, darkness like we have not witnessed in several hundreds years seems inevitable to rise.”
He shifted in his seat, and the springs creaked. “What do you mean by that, exactly?”] What does he what'd Bell mean. It was clearly said, lol.
[“I have found the border to the next realm.”] Now I'm curious o know what the other realm is about, besides it seeming to have some hope.
[I sighed again, his obvious ecstatic disbelieve and confusion just making me feel worse.] *disbelief*
[I new Bain was still confused, but the information I had given him would keep him satisfied.] *knew*
Well, overall the chapter was awesome. I'm so used to the chapters having some length that this was definitely a change.
C.S.
I just realized that this chapter is short. I hadn't looked at it before 0_o
[I gather there is something you wish to discuss with me?”] You forgot you qoutation marks.
[“You know, of course, that the world has been suffering profoundly more than expected, darkness like we have not witnessed in several hundreds years seems inevitable to rise.”
He shifted in his seat, and the springs creaked. “What do you mean by that, exactly?”] What does he what'd Bell mean. It was clearly said, lol.
[“I have found the border to the next realm.”] Now I'm curious o know what the other realm is about, besides it seeming to have some hope.
[I sighed again, his obvious ecstatic disbelieve and confusion just making me feel worse.] *disbelief*
[I new Bain was still confused, but the information I had given him would keep him satisfied.] *knew*
Well, overall the chapter was awesome. I'm so used to the chapters having some length that this was definitely a change.
C.S.
6/21/2008 c25
6Carmel March
Fantastic job on this chapter. Absolute genius :) Can't wait for more!
~Carm~

Fantastic job on this chapter. Absolute genius :) Can't wait for more!
~Carm~
6/13/2008 c8 criti-sized
Here I am again. ^_^
[“Beyond refers to everything after the rip. But yes, it seems that it was seized somehow.”] I like this remark.
[Silence. “They have Audrey.”] Maybe instead of having *silence*, you could make express that silence followed.
[More silence. “Will you save her?”] Here also.
[“We will bring the case before the highest ring, and they will decide if a rescue mission is plausible.”] Wow, this sentence had me reel for a second at the idea of Audrey having to wait, but it makes sense... Why get others killed for one person?
[“I wouldn’t have- okay, well, maybe, but not without good reason. You should have told me anyways. You owe me for saving your but last night,”] *butt*
[Edward, Tom, and Lauren stood together in a clearing near the gates. I looked around, but saw no sign of my mentor.] What I like most about your names is that they're all normal names, there's no problem with pronounciation or anything. And the fact that you made them original names makes the story nicer.
[“Hi. I’m Meghan. It’s very nice to meet you,”] Lol, it's meeting a boyfriend's parents, you have to cover the mess up.
[I could have laughed at the look on said human’s face.] This sentence was just awkward.
[The others follower her order immediately, and I stood a moment longer, explaining again.] *followed*. I think that's what you meant, but am not too certain.
[They were following orders ever moment until they were captured, and you are going to leave them there? What kind of loyalty is that?”] *every*. I like Meghan's reaction. It shows that not only does she have a connection with Roark, but she's able to speak her mind... The only problem is that in most cases, it doesn't help, it shows why irrationality isn't the option all of the time.
[Trust one of their kind to think it was comical.] LMAO
Well, I think the story's going just fine. I had the feeling that a team wasn't going to be sent out to get Jonathan and Audrey, but what the hell, you had it that Roark is going.
Awesome chapter as usual.
C.S.
Here I am again. ^_^
[“Beyond refers to everything after the rip. But yes, it seems that it was seized somehow.”] I like this remark.
[Silence. “They have Audrey.”] Maybe instead of having *silence*, you could make express that silence followed.
[More silence. “Will you save her?”] Here also.
[“We will bring the case before the highest ring, and they will decide if a rescue mission is plausible.”] Wow, this sentence had me reel for a second at the idea of Audrey having to wait, but it makes sense... Why get others killed for one person?
[“I wouldn’t have- okay, well, maybe, but not without good reason. You should have told me anyways. You owe me for saving your but last night,”] *butt*
[Edward, Tom, and Lauren stood together in a clearing near the gates. I looked around, but saw no sign of my mentor.] What I like most about your names is that they're all normal names, there's no problem with pronounciation or anything. And the fact that you made them original names makes the story nicer.
[“Hi. I’m Meghan. It’s very nice to meet you,”] Lol, it's meeting a boyfriend's parents, you have to cover the mess up.
[I could have laughed at the look on said human’s face.] This sentence was just awkward.
[The others follower her order immediately, and I stood a moment longer, explaining again.] *followed*. I think that's what you meant, but am not too certain.
[They were following orders ever moment until they were captured, and you are going to leave them there? What kind of loyalty is that?”] *every*. I like Meghan's reaction. It shows that not only does she have a connection with Roark, but she's able to speak her mind... The only problem is that in most cases, it doesn't help, it shows why irrationality isn't the option all of the time.
[Trust one of their kind to think it was comical.] LMAO
Well, I think the story's going just fine. I had the feeling that a team wasn't going to be sent out to get Jonathan and Audrey, but what the hell, you had it that Roark is going.
Awesome chapter as usual.
C.S.
5/27/2008 c24 Marie Ryan
I need to find the end of this story. Please tell me where to locate. This story was great. Please don't leave me hanging with Broken still laughing.
I need to find the end of this story. Please tell me where to locate. This story was great. Please don't leave me hanging with Broken still laughing.
5/22/2008 c1 theflyingcrabsareeatingmyhair
Holy carp! I thought that you might have missed it... and I read over it to be sure-
You never explained what happened to Meghan's ankle! You say that it was twisted grotesquely, but then you seem to forget entirely and have her acting as though she's only mildly bruised. When Roark heals her, she doesn't heal the ankle, only the coughing, so not only is Meg's ability to engage in conversation odd, but moving her legs to sit Indian style is what really tips the reader off to the inconsistency. :D
Holy carp! I thought that you might have missed it... and I read over it to be sure-
You never explained what happened to Meghan's ankle! You say that it was twisted grotesquely, but then you seem to forget entirely and have her acting as though she's only mildly bruised. When Roark heals her, she doesn't heal the ankle, only the coughing, so not only is Meg's ability to engage in conversation odd, but moving her legs to sit Indian style is what really tips the reader off to the inconsistency. :D
5/22/2008 c12 marie ryan
I love the plot. If you are teenager writing this you deserve high praise. Keep writing and I will keep reading.
I love the plot. If you are teenager writing this you deserve high praise. Keep writing and I will keep reading.
5/19/2008 c9
2theflyingcrabsareeatingmyhair
The plot is developing nicely. Tell you the truth, I'm getting too into the story to really critique it anymore. I'd just gotten so tired of the pointless typos that I was writing to offer to correct them for you, but when I got to the end of this chapter (which was was too short, as I'm sure you know), you were asking for a beta. You still want one? At least let me fix your typos... at any rate, if you wanted me, I would have to ask that you help me out with my stories too :P.
Hah, I'm acting like this is already a done deal. Ah... I would poke around to find reviews that I've done if you wanted to know what I'm like? A lot of my writing isn't in great shape right now... my one happiness about it is that I know that it's not that great... at least I can see it... Anyway. Back to reading. I should be writing a seven page writing portfolio or doing my history presentation or bio paper, but this story is much more interesting. Besides, I hate writing lyric essays.
Oh wait, I have a beta profile. (Eh, why am I doing this? You already have one, I'm sure XD)

The plot is developing nicely. Tell you the truth, I'm getting too into the story to really critique it anymore. I'd just gotten so tired of the pointless typos that I was writing to offer to correct them for you, but when I got to the end of this chapter (which was was too short, as I'm sure you know), you were asking for a beta. You still want one? At least let me fix your typos... at any rate, if you wanted me, I would have to ask that you help me out with my stories too :P.
Hah, I'm acting like this is already a done deal. Ah... I would poke around to find reviews that I've done if you wanted to know what I'm like? A lot of my writing isn't in great shape right now... my one happiness about it is that I know that it's not that great... at least I can see it... Anyway. Back to reading. I should be writing a seven page writing portfolio or doing my history presentation or bio paper, but this story is much more interesting. Besides, I hate writing lyric essays.
Oh wait, I have a beta profile. (Eh, why am I doing this? You already have one, I'm sure XD)
5/18/2008 c2 theflyingcrabsareeatingmyhair
Damned FP and its faulty review submission, taking my pretty reviews away from me. I just wanted to say that you did a great job on the dialogue here. Each character has some clear mannerisms. I was a little disappointed at how accessible you made Roark after her brilliant display with the blade, but hey. I guess that's what you gotta do for the plot; and it's not like you weren't showing hints of her fragility in the last chapter.
Descriptions are nice, and the cat was a very nice touch. This piece seems, on the whole, to be getting better.
Why is the sword named Broken?
Damned FP and its faulty review submission, taking my pretty reviews away from me. I just wanted to say that you did a great job on the dialogue here. Each character has some clear mannerisms. I was a little disappointed at how accessible you made Roark after her brilliant display with the blade, but hey. I guess that's what you gotta do for the plot; and it's not like you weren't showing hints of her fragility in the last chapter.
Descriptions are nice, and the cat was a very nice touch. This piece seems, on the whole, to be getting better.
Why is the sword named Broken?
5/18/2008 c3 theflyingcrabsareeatingmyhair
*getting pissed now*
Well, after reading this piece, I have to say that I am duly impressed. Conceited you may be, but when it comes to writing, your work really seems to have a genuine feel that's actually quite nice. The beginning felt a little forced somehow, but by the middle, you were fine. One of your strong points throughout the piece is your clear, concise language. You don't use overly ornate language or anything too simplistic. You seem to have put thought into your words and done a good job of choosing the words to describe things in just the way you want. This also shows in your description of the fight scenes. The images that are called to my head are almost comical, or cartoonish, yet the language you use to describe the fantastical fights meshes perfectly with the rest of the piece. It's quite impressive that you've managed to portray such scenes without seeming ridiculous.
As the saying goes, the best writing looks like you could have done it yourself. I've been trying to improve my writing long enough to know that I, for one, could not duplicate this piece in the least, but you've really captured the essence of writing in an almost professional style. You use clear, easy to follow grammatical constructions, and you don't use many more words than you absolutely need. This could use a little more fine tuning in places, which is part of why I say "almost professional"; also, for some reason, I feel as though the subject matter isn't quite on par with the professional realm? I can't explain exactly why that is. I think you might just be missing a few touches here and there? Of course, I'm completely useless because I can't for the life of me tell you exactly what those touches are... Maybe a round of tiny editing here and there would fix that up.
Not bad at all. I'll actually keep reading this one :D. I forgot the mention that it has a pretty damn engaging storyline, too.
*getting pissed now*
Well, after reading this piece, I have to say that I am duly impressed. Conceited you may be, but when it comes to writing, your work really seems to have a genuine feel that's actually quite nice. The beginning felt a little forced somehow, but by the middle, you were fine. One of your strong points throughout the piece is your clear, concise language. You don't use overly ornate language or anything too simplistic. You seem to have put thought into your words and done a good job of choosing the words to describe things in just the way you want. This also shows in your description of the fight scenes. The images that are called to my head are almost comical, or cartoonish, yet the language you use to describe the fantastical fights meshes perfectly with the rest of the piece. It's quite impressive that you've managed to portray such scenes without seeming ridiculous.
As the saying goes, the best writing looks like you could have done it yourself. I've been trying to improve my writing long enough to know that I, for one, could not duplicate this piece in the least, but you've really captured the essence of writing in an almost professional style. You use clear, easy to follow grammatical constructions, and you don't use many more words than you absolutely need. This could use a little more fine tuning in places, which is part of why I say "almost professional"; also, for some reason, I feel as though the subject matter isn't quite on par with the professional realm? I can't explain exactly why that is. I think you might just be missing a few touches here and there? Of course, I'm completely useless because I can't for the life of me tell you exactly what those touches are... Maybe a round of tiny editing here and there would fix that up.
Not bad at all. I'll actually keep reading this one :D. I forgot the mention that it has a pretty damn engaging storyline, too.
5/18/2008 c2 theflyingcrabsareeatingmyhair
Figures that FP would delete all of my review... but I've long since learned my lesson about this faulty review submission button, so I save a copy of reviews so I can make sure you hear all I have to say! (I like to talk a lot). I guess I can always give you an anon review for this chapter if the mood strike me :P. Anyway, here's copy numero two:
Stupid reason to have an instant fondness for a story, but Fledgling by Octavia Butler happens to be one of my favorite books.
A comment on your profile: First of all, do you really have to deal with such idiots on this site? If I find them, I try to avoid them like the plague.
I came to your profile because I think you made some good notes on a story I hated. I'm reading your story because after all the conceited the trash you put up on your profile, I had to see whether your writing was good enough to justify such overwhelming conceit. Ordinarily, I wouldn't sit here and tell you my reasons for coming here, especially if I was going to be rude like that. Call this 1:15 AM bitchiness, or call it being downright annoyed with stuck-up people. I have to deal with that enough in myself XD. On to the review now
Figures that FP would delete all of my review... but I've long since learned my lesson about this faulty review submission button, so I save a copy of reviews so I can make sure you hear all I have to say! (I like to talk a lot). I guess I can always give you an anon review for this chapter if the mood strike me :P. Anyway, here's copy numero two:
Stupid reason to have an instant fondness for a story, but Fledgling by Octavia Butler happens to be one of my favorite books.
A comment on your profile: First of all, do you really have to deal with such idiots on this site? If I find them, I try to avoid them like the plague.
I came to your profile because I think you made some good notes on a story I hated. I'm reading your story because after all the conceited the trash you put up on your profile, I had to see whether your writing was good enough to justify such overwhelming conceit. Ordinarily, I wouldn't sit here and tell you my reasons for coming here, especially if I was going to be rude like that. Call this 1:15 AM bitchiness, or call it being downright annoyed with stuck-up people. I have to deal with that enough in myself XD. On to the review now
5/18/2008 c1 theflyingcrabsareeatingmyhair
Stupid reason to have an instant fondness for a story, but Fledgling by Octavia Butler happens to be one of my favorite books.
A comment on your profile: First of all, do you really have to deal with such idiots on this site? If I find them, I try to avoid them like the plague.
I came to your profile because I think you made some good notes on a story I hated. I'm reading your story because after all the conceited the trash you put up on your profile, I had to see whether your writing was good enough to justify such overwhelming conceit. Ordinarily, I wouldn't sit here and tell you my reasons for coming here, especially if I was going to be rude like that. Call this 1:15 AM bitchiness, or call it being downright annoyed with stuck-up people. I have to deal with that enough in myself XD. On to the review now
Stupid reason to have an instant fondness for a story, but Fledgling by Octavia Butler happens to be one of my favorite books.
A comment on your profile: First of all, do you really have to deal with such idiots on this site? If I find them, I try to avoid them like the plague.
I came to your profile because I think you made some good notes on a story I hated. I'm reading your story because after all the conceited the trash you put up on your profile, I had to see whether your writing was good enough to justify such overwhelming conceit. Ordinarily, I wouldn't sit here and tell you my reasons for coming here, especially if I was going to be rude like that. Call this 1:15 AM bitchiness, or call it being downright annoyed with stuck-up people. I have to deal with that enough in myself XD. On to the review now
5/17/2008 c7 criti-sized
Yeah, and I'm back agagin. With finals over and done with for now, I have more time to review. Yay!
[...they had two gaping hole through either palm,...] 'holes'
[... they still didn’t feel like they should have been attached to my wrists...] I could imagine why they'd feel like they didn't belong to her.
[I thought about the enormous amount of food Roark had consumed, and what she had told me about it disappearing once in her stomach.] If this were a true possibilit imagine all the weight problems that would be solved, lol.
[Despite it’s bad reputation, New York was a pretty safe city.] Thank God, not the usual stereotype of New York. Most people automatically assume New York is dangeruos because of its history.
[“What did it feel like to have that kind of power?” If I hadn't skipped read it in the next line I wold say something about how it sounded like something she wanted to experience.
[I blink and look down, wondering what she is thinking.] You changed tenses in this sentence.
[Jonathan was their, too, eyes like sapphires watching me.] Wow, that would be unnerving. I can't stand it when my sister's damn cat stares at me for too long. Yeah, odd. And 'their' should be 'there'.
[“I have never met anyone like you. I feel like I am grasping for black satin in a dark cave full of knives, human.”] Wow, though it wasn't meant to be degrading, it sure sounds like it. It's similar to when people call me 'the coloured girl,' at my job, when they can easily read my name on my tag and see that I'm not as coloured as they describe me, lol.
[Three sets of eyes.] LOL
Again, an awesome chapter. I think the biggest thing when it comes to stories such as these is having patience. When writing and reading it. Coming from a readers point of view, I want to continue reading it, and just want everything to fall into one chapter so I can read it. And from my writer's view, I understand how frutrating it is to have to write a story that has to have a plot that makes sense in every corner, lol.
So far you're doing a great job.
C.S.
Yeah, and I'm back agagin. With finals over and done with for now, I have more time to review. Yay!
[...they had two gaping hole through either palm,...] 'holes'
[... they still didn’t feel like they should have been attached to my wrists...] I could imagine why they'd feel like they didn't belong to her.
[I thought about the enormous amount of food Roark had consumed, and what she had told me about it disappearing once in her stomach.] If this were a true possibilit imagine all the weight problems that would be solved, lol.
[Despite it’s bad reputation, New York was a pretty safe city.] Thank God, not the usual stereotype of New York. Most people automatically assume New York is dangeruos because of its history.
[“What did it feel like to have that kind of power?” If I hadn't skipped read it in the next line I wold say something about how it sounded like something she wanted to experience.
[I blink and look down, wondering what she is thinking.] You changed tenses in this sentence.
[Jonathan was their, too, eyes like sapphires watching me.] Wow, that would be unnerving. I can't stand it when my sister's damn cat stares at me for too long. Yeah, odd. And 'their' should be 'there'.
[“I have never met anyone like you. I feel like I am grasping for black satin in a dark cave full of knives, human.”] Wow, though it wasn't meant to be degrading, it sure sounds like it. It's similar to when people call me 'the coloured girl,' at my job, when they can easily read my name on my tag and see that I'm not as coloured as they describe me, lol.
[Three sets of eyes.] LOL
Again, an awesome chapter. I think the biggest thing when it comes to stories such as these is having patience. When writing and reading it. Coming from a readers point of view, I want to continue reading it, and just want everything to fall into one chapter so I can read it. And from my writer's view, I understand how frutrating it is to have to write a story that has to have a plot that makes sense in every corner, lol.
So far you're doing a great job.
C.S.