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3/25/2008 c6 criti-sized
Okay, I'm finally back. I thought that during spring break I would be able to get some reviewing done and catch, but nope. So, here I am, when I should actually be doing my assignment that's past due.

Anyways,I like the way that you began the chapter. The simplicity of your descriptions and Roark's feelings towards the atmosphere is nice.

"She managed around clattering teeth." Something about this sentence sounds awkward. Maybe instead of having 'around', you could have it be 'through'.

"She wrapped her hands around her shoulders and rubbed hard, as though the few degrees of friction would truly warm her." I always thought that was true. No matter how much a person rubs their arms their still cold, lol.

"“She smells like one of us." Well, I hope they don't stink, lol. Also, you forgot your qoutation marks.

"At that, Jonathan’s eyes flashed, and she fell silent, perhaps noticing for the first time that she had overstepped herself." I would like to say she didn't, but in a delicate situation, she should've knownnot to speak.

"My face paled." Ths is one of the signs of guilt. I wouldn't have said anything, but it would've probably come back to haunt her.

"I drew a shuddering gasped. A strike… the worst punishment he could give me. On a third strike, my powers would be sealed and I would no longer be able to fight." Kinda like jail, huh? Lol

"She didn’t mean it like that! It’s stupid to punish people for stuff for no reason..." It feels like you may have too many 'fors'.

"“Audrey is not currently fit to fight,” " LOL, that's for sure.

Well, I'm not certain what you meant, there was nothing uber crappy about this chapter. It was actually nice. I especially liked your combat scene. I seem to revel in the fact that there are authors who can portray scenes like that greatly.

3/21/2008 c24 17FireInsideMyself
nice chapter. i can really see the characters growing and Roark's compassion. Keep writing, cant wait to see the nxt chapter.-Salem
3/10/2008 c24 6Carmel March
Absolutely wonderful. I love every bit of this story :)

Keep up the fantastic work!

3/5/2008 c24 2Maline Elensar
Awesome chapter
3/5/2008 c1 6JC Peters
Great start! Can't wait to read more!
2/29/2008 c1 Atari Tariyama
Aside from some misspellings, or rather, using the wrong word, (such as feet or feat) it was pretty much grammatically sound.

Some of the descriptions made me heave in disgust, so I suppose you're writing correctly. The whole beginning was a haze to me, and I couldn't comprehend what was happening as a whole, though I caught all of the specific moments.

One moment a truck, then something about evolutionary instincts, then she's on the ground and I'm not sure if she's hit or she's just coughing up blood like she normally does, or if 'coughing blood' was a hyperbole in the first place.

Anyway, point is, I'm still nauseous from the 'wet popping sound' that was never fully elaborated on, but I was too engulfed in your descriptions to ever read the whole first chapter.

Anyway, rest assured that you know what you're doing. I only suggest that you make a run-through of this and fix those small errors.

As for me- back to the old cutting room floor to work out better sentence structures and try to become a better writer.

Mh, your skills are enviable.
2/29/2008 c1 Sarah Allie
Hey, your summary intruiged me, but I have to point something out: you spelt solitude wrong. I'm a huge fan of constructive critisism, so I apologize in ahead if anything in this review annoys you, or anything... some writers hate the fact that I dole out concrit instead of blatant praise :(.

As I read it, I'll point out what I like, or if there's any mistakes I found :)

-I love the first two lines. They're pure genius :)

-"I didn’t hear the truck approaching behind me, not really." To me, the "not really" seems somewhat redundant, seeing as you already said that you didn't hear the truck approaching.

-"...crushed into so many metallic toothpicks through a reddish haze." This line is beautiful :D

-"There was a murdered here, not 20 feat away, smiling above his latest victim." There's a couple of spelling mistakes here. The line should read, "There was a murderur here, not 20 feet away, smiling above his latest victim." And just as an afterthough, maybe if you wrote "twenty" instead of "20" the line would look more professional.

-"Run, I thought franticly, get some help while that maniac is gone." I'm pretty sure that everything in this sentence, except "I thought frantically" should be underlined, seeing as it's what she was thinking.

-"I felt like someone had pumped a good deal of helium into my chest cavity." I like this line, but it's kinda wrong. See, when you drink helium, your head begins spinning and it's like you're about to faint. It does feel light, but it also feels heavy at the same time, 'cause after a while, you're struggling to stand up (trust me, I should know, heheh :P)

-"...somehow still only in 2 dimensions..." Maybe if you wrote "2" as "two" it would look better.

-"That was dumb. That was like girls who called their boobs ‘the twins.’" I love this line. It's HILARIOUS! I was laughing at this for a while :P

-"Isn’t the logical next step of realization that their must also be demons?" There's a typo here. "Their" should be written as "there"

Okay, now for the story itself. It's very intruiging, and so... god damn COOL :P! Seriously, I like it... a LOT :D I'll recommend it to a friend of mine, I'm sure she'll love it :D Anyhoo, I'm kinda short on time, at the moment, so I'll add this to my favorites list and continue reviewing this later when I have time :D

Sarah :) x

PS - Would you mind checking out my story, Fire and Ice? Thanks :)
2/17/2008 c1 2Kioasakka
I really like it! It's really rather interesting. You had some awkward readings here and there, and kept spelling 'hole' like 'whole', but other than that it was really very good. Sorry if my review sounds really lame xD;

2/12/2008 c1 115Jon de Plume
The introduction to a story can be so precious. A fragile thing and so many times it is treated like a writers warm up but I felt intrigued by yours like I felt I should by the time I was partly through it.

“A physics book across my knees and the barren bulk of the distant city were all the company I could want.” I like how the inanimate objects are what keep her company. Our only true friends some days eh?

“It made the hair along my arms rise.” The small detail here makes a big difference to me instead of describing obvious things.

“A shock of nausea leapt up the back of my throat, tasting of citrus and bile.” One of my favorite lines, the tasting of citrus and bile.

“He reminded me, oddly, of the orange I had been eating. Prickling across my lips.” I like how you go back to the orange. It may not be a central theme, but bringing images together makes it stronger to me.

Excellent ending, almost anti-climactic for chapter 1. After this huge battle, they are going for a visit to her apartment.
2/1/2008 c23 2Sixth
Wow, Audrey is finally gonna be saved and... JONATHAN just had to take her place :/

I think you just mispelt the word sweat for sweet, that's all.

Tis' a great chapter! It fed my curiosity for a bit XD
1/27/2008 c23 17FireInsideMyself
not bad...ur last comment was a bit confusing. What doesnt sounds like meghan? anywayz, im on ur awesome list ^^! um...oh..in the beginning you have some minor spelling errors, like... "I was in a hallway, i decided, a hallways.." A hallways? hallway? also... at the beginning u have a number two and at the bottom u say that meansu changed ivette's hair to gold. But in that paragraph, they hadnt even met ivette yet... also, u have two (3)'s and no explanation why...jw... I cant wait to read more. (As always)-Salem
1/24/2008 c5 criti-sized
Hey, it's been a long time since i've been on fictionpress. It seems like the only time I'm able to get on now is when I have to catch my online class for an assignment. So here it goes.

I like how you began the chapter with Audrey this time. Though at first I was confused at who was narrating, I looked uo at the top of the chapter and saw.

Duh! I shoulda saw the before, but missed it, lol.

Anyways, the fact that you had it with someone else was interesting rather than the same breaths of fresh air that we received frome Meghan and Roark's chapters.

"I watched again as Charlie fell in my minds eye,..." I'm not too certain about it, but wouldn't it be 'mind's eye'?

"Apathy was always best, and when that failed me, I had my ignorance." I like his sentence, something about screams reality in heaven, lol.

I like the simple sense of awkwardness that you had between Audrey and Janothan. It showed that her emotions and consciousness weren't where she needed them to be and though Jonathan is trying to help her it's more of an order.

"I straitened my back and wiped my eyes dutifully, and he let his hands fall." 'straightened'

The feeling of lost emotions is nice. Though it definitely comes of more humane than it should be, but who said angels weren't humane? Lol.

"Something inside of me snapped, and I swung to face her, one of my hands going to my sword." Wow, I guess it makes sense that she feels that way.

"he voice was careful, soft, but she raised it when she continued." 'her'

The scene where Audrey fought with Anna was nice. It wasn't too descriptive or missing anything in it.

Wow, for an angel to be pregnant, that's probably beyond unnatural, lol. Well, the chapter was definitely interesing. The new characters that were introduced gave a sense of more like humans stuck in a heavenly limbo rather than people in heaven. But other than that I really liked it.

1/2/2008 c22 FireInsideMyself
*shiver* i finally got the chapter open! ^-^ i think it was becuz the ppl were doing work on the site...anywayz, this chapter is really good. scary good. shes like..wats the word im looking for?hm...scary?grotesque?insane?psychopath?freakingly scary insane pschopath perhaps? no...how about...so scary she makes goosebumps looke like nursery rhymes? maybe... how about creepy and disturbed in her mind with no regard for ethics? ya..i like that one...*shivers* ur good. Ill give u credit...it made me squirm. honestly.
12/30/2007 c2 RtDK
The first part of this chapter, I thought you did much better than the last. It wasn't as rushed. I had built a vague image of what the two were doing. I could see the two walking around in New York for a little while. Then, when at last we arrived at Meghan's apartment, and maybe even a little before that, I began to get a little lost again.

I suppose I'll start off with the first thing that kind of . . . stuck you in my mind. You described that, as Roark was getting into the taxi that she still had her wings, and that she folded them to fit into the car. Now, this may just be my personal reaction in such a situation, but wouldn't the yellow-toothed cab drive likely be a little freaked out by a girl with big wings sticking out of her? The fact that you also described them as "a separate body" leads the mind to think that they're moving around, stretching, flexing, relaxing, doing their own thing, and are obviously real. Now, if you had forgone such a description, I wouldn't have been so distracted, as the taxi driver could mistake them as a costume piece.

Now, before I go into the apartment, where I became lost again, let me just correct one error in context: Meghan lives in a "suite", not a "sweet". It's understandable to miss something like that, though, so I wouldn't worry about it too much. Your grammar was about on par with the previous chapter, so as before, a quick run through (reading aloud, as you suggested to me, could help) would fix that stuff right up.

As for where the confusion came in? Well, let me start with Roark's description of Heaven, Hell, and the Rip. After I thought about them for a moment, I began to understand where you were coming from. However, I wouldn't just skip to a new paragraph as freely as you did, as it somewhat left the impression that Meghan was speaking in some spots, when she shouldn't have had any knowledge of the subject at all.

For instance, this particular portion:

(“I do not live in heaven; I have a duty that had brought me here.”

“The rip?”

She smiled vaguely, her eyes drifting.)

At this juncture in the dialog, I had a really, really hard time deciding whether Meghan was butting into the conversation with actual knowledge of what she was talking about, something I might have missed her seeing in the last chapter, or if it was Roark interpreting for her by interrupting herself. May want to clarify a bit there. Again, it could be something that I merely missed in the last chapter, but placing something after ("The rip?"), such as, ('I asked, trying to clarify for myself.')

Also, similarly to the last chapter, a bit more description of the apartment, the city, the train (What kind of people? The atmosphere: Is it tense? Quiet? Smokey? etc.) Write out a piece of description of the important parts of each setting, such as traffic, population, and the like. Give us something to paint a personal picture with in our minds.

Another good, straight-to-the-point chapter. Plenty of character development here. We have a glimpse into Roark's personality as somewhat cold, calculating, and maybe even borderline cocky. Giving us a look into Meghan's disease and how she appears to have accepted her eventual death gives the impression that she is very calm and collected. I enjoyed how well you handled this part of the tale, and I am very impressed at your ability to breathe some actual life to these two. All too often, a story with a killer plot, and a good setting are ruined by the author's inability to flesh out the personality of their creations. I'm happy to say: You pull it off exquisitely.
12/29/2007 c4 criti-sized
I know, it's been forever since I last reviewed you. But as we all know, I guess I'll blame it on Christmas and working, then getting ready to move.

Anyways, on to the chapter.

" “Answer my questions. You said you would. At least do that for me.”" Meghan sounds like a nagging mother, lol.

"She shook her head, and her white hair swung out like a hallo" 'halo'

"An angel, sitting on my bed, in my flat." This sentence is a fragment.

"“I ask her?” I had to ask. If curiosity killed the cat, satisfaction brought it back." did you mean for it to be 'I'll ask her'? But I also like the theory that curiosity killed the cat and satisfaction brought it back. That's very creative and entertaining thought.

"Nothing would surprise me anymore." I wouldn't believe that. Once we think nothing else can surprise us, something does, lol.

"“Karreth killed Charlie. I reunited with Broken after she failed me in an attempt to keep him from killing Audrey too, although in retrospect, it may have been more merciful to merely let him kill her. She loved Charlie very much. She was crying when she left, Roark.”" Okay, I'm confused. Wasn't Raork the one talking to Meghan?

"I wondered into the kitchen, her presence already something I was going accustomed to." 'Going' should be 'getting'.

"She followed a few steps behind without a sound, watching while I made myself pancakes and ate them ravenously." I never get the chance to eat breakfast. The most important meal of the day has always been missed for me, to the point where I can't eat anything before ten in the morning, otherwise I'll get sick.

Yeah, it's sucks, but what the hell, I deal with it, and I always wonder why I'm hungry by five in the afternoon, lol.

"It was something of a ritual, but I remember when I was young, taking my medicine had left the taste of death in my mouth." You changed tenses in this sentence.

"“Do you have TV in heaven?”" LMAO. I'd higkly doubt that there would any such invention in heaven.

"He waved and offered me a pitying smile." 'Pitying' sounds a bit awkward in this sentence. Maybe you could change it to 'sympathetic' or something.

"I grabbed her hand and began towed her towards a rack. " This sentence may need to be revised.

"“Wine, ladies?”" Okay, the guy is talking to bith of them. Did Roark make it so that she was visible to people?

This chapter was ice. I really liked the interaction between Roark and Meghan, it showed a simple connection between the two and how they're already growing to like each other, if not depend on each other.

It didn't have much action like the other chapers, but it had character development in it which made it nice.

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