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for Fledgling

12/27/2007 c1 RtDK
I must say, I was confused throughout the whole bloomin' thing. What I've gotten so far from this, is the fact that this girl was reading a physics book on a set of bleachers. For some reason, she's able to see angels/demons. Then, a truck plows through the bleachers, and all of a sudden, she's able to see a pair of angels fighting a demon (I assume that's what it is). When both angels are "killed", this other angel, this "Roark" girl, comes in and kills an opponent that the other two angels (?) couldn't kill. Now, Roark tells her a bit about herself, and Meghan is determined to find out a bit more about her.

My feelings on this are both of fascination (the good), and minor disappointment (the bad). The reason I'm fascinated by this story is the fact that you're able to deliver fast, compelling action very fast, leaving me wanting more of it. Your grammar, for the most part, is pretty good, with the exception of a few missed errors that could be fixed with a quick run-through. You also describe how this "Meghan" is feeling quite well. I'm actually able to enter her point of view and experience the sensations she's feeling.

Some things are missing a bit of description though, and I wouldn't mind knowing what the environment looked like. The only things really described are the bleachers, and the sudden change of mood to that of a battle between spiritual entities. Description of the surroundings is a necessary component of bringing a story to life, and in the future, I highly encourage you to explore such an avenue. Also, I'm not really crazy about the whole "POV: Meghan" thing. Though, it may be my personal preference, I feel that taking a third-person perspective gives more of a professional quality than first-person. Going a different route is always fine and all, but some people may be a bit deterred by something THIS unorthodox.

I'm sure you understand that none of these comments on your story are meant to be indicative of what you HAVE to do, or what MOST people expect you to do. They are merely observations that I have made during my reading, and you can take them into account, or ignore them as you please. None of my reviews are ever meant to come across as "flaming" or judgment of any kind on a person's ability to write. That said, I'd advise you to consider some of the main issues I saw that I point out here.

As it stands, this opening is quite confusing, and by no stretch of the imagination is it a way to get a feel of which way the story's plot is headed. It is quite fascinating for you to seem to say, "The hell with plot, I'll worry about that later", and dive right into the mix. It's a risky strategy, one that I hope will pay off for you. At the moment, this piece has my attention. I'll talk to you again during my review of Chapter Two. Nice job so far.

"Bless'd be this hallowed ground."

-Hero of Avalon
12/27/2007 c22 luv me like no other
creepy ending, but i love it!
12/6/2007 c21 17FireInsideMyself
i read the whole thing as much as i could. U ave turned something that most people dont write about into a story with tremendous potential. Other than a few grammatical errors, i see nothing wrong at all wiht your story. Cant wait to read more.
12/5/2007 c3 criti-sized
Alright, now for the third chap.

The beginning of this chapter is interesting, but it seemed sort of rushed as though you wanted to quickly get to the conversation between her and Broken. maybe you could revise that and make the sentences not seem so forced.

"“You called, Roark?”" When you had said in the least chapter that the sword had a personality, I hadn't exactly exoected that the sword could morph into a semi-m=human form if it wanted to. But that makes it all the more interesting.

"Her voice was a silky purr, all low and gravely." I don't think the 'all' is that necessary. It cheapens the sentence.

"“For now. It would not be a convenience to me if you died now.”" Lol, we already know that. It wouldn't be an inconvenience if she got back her original sword either. So, Broken might as well wait 'till she can get back to Saise.

Okay, at first I couldn't quite get why Broken was trying to get under Raork's skin, but I guess it's exactly for that reason. If she makes Roark angry she'll get satisfaction out of it.

A small suggestion. Maybe you could tone down the berating on Broken's part. It fits, but it doesn't, you know? It sounds like you quickly wanted to get out into the air how she felt, but you haven't explained other things. Like, how Broken got seperated. Did it happen because Roark seperated from Saise?

These are probably things that'll come out later on, but they're essential as well.

"“I am all I need to be. I am part of you. I, at least, fulfill what is expected of me.”" Oh boy, a sword with an ego. She needs some anger management classes.

"It was a familiar argument; we had had it many times prior." No wonder she had learned to control her anger by then. If it was an old argument, that would explain why Broken wanted to get to her also.

"She smiled, and I turned away from her as she changed back into metal until I felt the tang that she set into the air when in her human form leave." The end of this sentece sounds pretty awkward. I've tried re-reading it, but it still comes off awkward to me.

"My blade met a bolder, which cracked into a thousand pieces, but before it could fall apart I used it to leap into the air." 'boulder'.

I'm sorry. I can't remember if you mentioned Karreth before, but I forgot who he is, if you have. maybe you could remind me somehow, or I'll go back to see if he was mentioned.

"“I wouldn’t dream of it. Saise hasn’t not felt your presence in the after, she thought you might be here." Shouldn't 'hasn't not' be just 'hasn't'?

You know what I never understood about the stories that had some sort of villian in them is that the good person was always nearly killed, or attacked with the intention to be killed... But the person is always needed. Does Saise need Roark? I mean actually need to reunite with her in able to keep going, or is Roark expendable?

"I landed in a tiny crater of dust, though thankfully on my feat,.." 'feet'.

"I had increased her power a moment before he had struck. She had turned on me." Well, that's just evil. Being a turncoat doesn't help anybody. Broken will probably have to learn that the hard way, lol.

"He broke through the veil, arms raised, and I darted out from underneath them, leaving his sword to burry itself up to the hilt in earth." 'bury'.

"The redhead’s glasses lit up with the light from a passing car, and I could see through them for a second." This sentence reminded me of those anime movies where the character may have glasses on an dthe light relfect off of it for a minute, but it's only a few seconds in the cartoon, lol.

Okay, the dialogue between the fighting scene seems a bit forced, but the fighting is definitely okay.

Poor Charlie. He never really got the chance to be inroduced in the story, but at least Audrey's still alive.

This was an interesting chappie. Hopefully soon I'll be able to get to the next one.

12/3/2007 c2 criti-sized
Okay, here I am. Ready for some reviewing. It's been awhile since I've been able to review people, and I'm trying to catch up.

"We had to take the F train to down town, and there was nothing quite as strange as standing so close to something that I had been wondering about since I was tiny, and knowing I would soon be getting all the answers I had been looking for." This sentence sort of seems like a run-on. Also, it sounds a bit awkward at the beginning. Maybe you could omit the 'to' and leave it at 'we had to take the F train downtown.'

"Death was something I had learned to live with,..." Is she implying that she wouldn't mind dying, lol.

It seems like Roark is more humane than she appeared to be in the first chapter.

"My arm was trembling a little bit, and a thousand questions flavoring the back of my tongue." This is a fragment. If you changed the 'flavoring' to 'flavored', it wouldn't be.

"If I didn’t, she was viable to disappear." Did you mean 'viable'?

"It was less of an apartment, more like a sweet, filled with the best furniture money could buy and enough food for ten" 'suite'

I had forgotten that she was a teen. I guess she's lucky that she doesn't have to be crowded by her aunt, and that she owns a bunch of hotels.

"So close that I could have grabbed her is she tried to run away" 'is' should be 'if'.

"“It’s a divide between life and death." 'divide' would probably sound better as 'division'.

""It is in there nature,..." 'their'.

"Saise had developed something of a doubly personality,..." 'double'.

That's interesting. The way that you brought it out is unique and not the original angel from heaven only crap. wonder if Saise is still alive somehow, or if because they removed Roark, she's done. Most likely within time I'll find out.

Okay, nevermind about that comment up above. Saise is still alive and more powerful than Roark. Why does that not surprise me? Its probably because of the fact that the villians are always stronger than the hero in some aspect.

I guess this chapter had some of the answers, but not all of them. I think it's good that Roark doesn;t exactly know everything about her past and on, rather than being all knowledgable, lol.

11/28/2007 c1 sdffds
Are you kidding? The beginning was really captivating! It caught my attention right away. So the demon guy is like out killing people or something? I'm kind of confused, but I still like the story and where it's going.
11/19/2007 c1 criti-sized
Yeah, it's taken some time to get back to you, sorry about that, I have so many things I can blame it on, but am going to just scratch that.

This chapter posed a question for me immediately, and I have to ask it just to stop myself from wondering.

You started it with "Meghan". Are there going to be more than one narrartor?

"I had always been able to see them, since I was too small to realize the implications of their presence. Almost always thin, wearing dark glasses and black clothes, and always with a bare oval of skin on the blades of their back. And on that skin, a set of familiar tattoos. A pair of glittering black wings." Is this the summary. If so you should probably make that apparent.

"(Page break… for some reason, these don’t show up here. Huh.)" I don't think the page break thing is necessary. It sort of distracts from whatever you're going to have, especially since the first two lines seem like they are a part of the story.

"I clutched my hands together, trying to stop the flow of blood as I watch the metal bench on which I had been sitting being crushed into so many metallic toothpicks though a reddish haze. " 'watched' and 'through'.

"And bright flash of white, and then I was blind, disorientation upped even farther." First, I don't think it's all that good to start a paragraph with 'and', then the repetitive use of it isn't that great.

"I realized there must have still been people in there, people they were watching. I remembered studying what happened to people who where burned at the stake, reading accounts of it. I imagined their skin blackening and turning weirdly wet and sticky, their eyes drying out into blindness, their hair burning off, filling the air with acrid, choking smoke." Lol, I guess that means she was lucky.

"“There are still people in that truck! You have to call 911, call the ambulance. There’s a phone in the school down the hill. Tell them what happened, they’ll let you use it.”" When she says this it seems a little false from the fact that she says in one entire time. First she's hurt, maybe you could express that in her words, then it sounded too excited, maybe you could tone it down a bit.

"She opened her mouth, and for a moment I thought it was to answer me, but then her mouth kept opening and opening and opening in a silent cry of obvious pain." Okay, the continuous use of 'opening and opening' sounds awkward. You could descibe it a lot less irritating than that.

"She was dead." Damn, that sucks.

"There was a murdered here, not 20 feat away, smiling above his latest victim." Maybe you should write '20' in word form. It's less distractive that way. and 'feat' should be 'feet'.

"He made a rasping noise in the back of his throat, and a line of blood ran parallel to the one her had made himself before he collapsed" Maybe it's me, but I didn't fully understand this sentence. If you could clear it up for me that would be great.

"“What’s wrong with you?” the she asked, appearing by my side." 'the she'?

"My had came away pink." Did you mean her head?

"That was like girls who called their boobs ‘the twins.’" Lol, yeah it sort of is similar, except naming a sword has more value.

Okay, interesting first chapter. I guess in a way it sort of makes sense why it's called 'Fledgling', but I can't be too sure right now. This was after all only the first chapter.

The characterization in this first chap was pretty dense. It was probably because you focused on getting out the deatils, but didn't do that to well either.

Like you, I suck at introductory scenes, and trying to make them attention gripping isn't always easy when people go for stories that don't demand the special time that writing a novel-like story commands.

Oh, before I go(Lol). I also noticed that your punctuation was a little off in this chapter, but who the hell's isn't, huh? I guess that why we're all supposed to be helping each other out.

Sorry about the long ass review, I didn't see it was this long until I finished it, but let's hope it goes through completely.

Until the next chappie.

11/18/2007 c2 SMTS
Very interesting. Your description of heaven, hell, angels, and demons are quite unique.

Keep up the good work,

11/7/2007 c2 3sadistikitty
You need to take a look at your grammar; it needs some work in places. I don't know if all of the ones I noticed were pointed out in previous reviews, but if you want, I can go through when I have free time and PM or email what I saw. One thing I noticed in this chapter was that Meghan told Roark to call her Morgan.

Her mother died because an ice flow melted? It couldn't have happened quick enough that they couldn't get in contact with someone to help them. Maybe if a chunk of the ice broke off, sure, but I doubt simple melting would've done the trick. Even if it was surface melt water that caught her, it would have to be warm long enough to melt a significant enough amount of water to do any damage. She could have fallen into a river of surface melt water... Long story short: granted, glacial retreat is happening, but not that fast; there would have been evidence it was happening, and expeditions like that would have an expert there for safety. Maybe just reword or elaborate slightly on her mother's demise.

All in all, it's an interesting start. I was a little frightened by the spiritual listed in the genre because I'm not big on faith. I'm usually put off by religious stories, but I'm intrigued. I look forward to reading more when I have the time.
10/20/2007 c21 6Carmel March
I'm really, truly amazed at how this story is only getting better and better. With every new chapter, I'm even more impressed with your talents as a writer.

Keep up this super duper great work!



It may take me awhile to read and review chapters, but just know that I still am, 'kay? :)
10/19/2007 c21 luv me like no other
very entertaining, Narrow has one crazy mind.
10/19/2007 c20 luv me like no other
whoa, intense ending
10/11/2007 c1 SMTS
Okay, I found two possible errors. First: "Their was a murdered here". Shouldn't that be "There was a murderer here"?

Also, we don't know how old Meghan is, which makes determining how old the young female angel is rather difficult.

I thought that this was a very entertaining chapter; the idea is different from the traditional angel stories.

Keep up the good work,

10/7/2007 c1 20Twilight Starr
Interesting, well written beginning. I try to compliment writers first before jumping into criticism and I don't really like criticizing other people so there isn't much.

Some minor typos I managed to catch:

"I wonder if they could here me." I think should here should be hear.

"weird wholes" should be "holes"

"20 feat" should be "20 feet"

"deja vu" should really be "déjà vu". I bet you coldn't get the really annoying accents to show up. ^^

Please if you're going to say things like "refer to question 1" in your PM you should number them. Otherwise I had to count them.

Your profile sounds like a real rant to me so I'm thinking you've probably been burned pretty badly when you review people. You say you don't want to sound harsh, but you do in your FAQ in your profile. Maybe you're misinterpeting people's replies to your reviews much like they misinterpet yours. There are always two sides to a story.

To me, it seemed like you were grouping all the people you review together in your profile. Every case is unique. Much like any story. Much like how you are.

I just thought I would explain my point of view to you. I had no intention of calling you a flamer. You certainly aren't. I also had no intention of being a whiner, which you call people in your profile.

Sincerely, good luck with writing, your stories, life, and reviewing people.

I hope the communication cycle between us never gets messed up again.

Have a terrific day.

~Twilight Starr~
10/6/2007 c2 CandleQueen
A. I think in the first chapter (sorry I'm adding this in the chapter two review, but now that I see it...) you should have started the story earlier in her day. Give the reader the feeling of what is normal in this persons life...before you go and have all the action happen. I think it would make it a bit more exciting it you build up to the action then just starting with burning cars and blood-soaked angels. That way it builds more of a thrill when it finally gets to the action scene.


B. So...if the main protagonist has always seen these beings, why hasn't she just gone up to one and said, "Hey...what the hell are you?" Was she afraid of them? If so, why wouldn't she just run from the angel in chapter 1?

C. More editing errors. They're beginning to get a bit troublesome.

D. Way too much information unloaded in this chapter. You have your readers digesting way too much at once. Try to make the information more organized and easy to follow before you go unloading it.

E. When you do your author's notes, try to separate them more clearly. Put them in bold, or separate them with a line.

It really didn't get that much more interesting during this chapter. I think it's because it's a bit hard to relate to the character. The way the character narrates, it makes them seem a bit detached and not very intriguing. Try to make her seem like a regular, well, young woman.

If you want me to, I could show you how I would write the beginning, just to show you what I'm getting at. :)

Okay, I review more later, if you need me to.


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