for Volcanoes6/1/2007 c1 
5Victoria Barlow
Wow this is really good! Yeah, I think dragons are close to volcanoes too. Keep it up!
5Victoria BarlowWow this is really good! Yeah, I think dragons are close to volcanoes too. Keep it up!
5/27/2007 c1 46antigonelives
Personifying volcanoes as dragons has never sounded so lovely! You've used a lot of powerful words, and the way you write is compelling. I'd send you cake just for being compelling, but it would probably go stale on its journey from Wales to California...
Anyway, some things I noticed:
"The dragon quakes with anger, the fury building up in it is evident." - since you're linking two related ideas in this one sentence, you need a semicolon here instead of a comma.
"Eventually it explodes" - comma after "eventually."
"A fine powdery, almost invisible dust is spat into the air" - first, if you're describing something with two or more adjectives, you need commas ("a fine, brisk evening"/"a quiet, timid, somehow dignified laugh," etc). "Is spat" is passive and it sounds strange in a passage so filled with active verbs. Maybe try retelling the sentence in another way?
"like a comforting blanket, however this dust is anything but comforting." - needs a semicolon after "blanket" and a comma after "however," or else this is a run-on sentence!
"The dust sneaks its way into the throats of every breathing creature" - favourite line! :)
"They stop for a second trying to clear their throats," - you need a comma after "second," as you're stating what they're doing.
"but the short time they pause, in itself is too long, for the burning substance overtakes them, enveloping them in its torture." - sounds awkward. Rephrase. "But during the short time in which they pause, which is seemingly too long..." is just a suggestion. Experiment with it! ;)
In the last line, the semicolon should be a comma.
Sorry if I sound picky; I really like your work and thought I'd point those things out.
~Kira's Song
46antigonelivesPersonifying volcanoes as dragons has never sounded so lovely! You've used a lot of powerful words, and the way you write is compelling. I'd send you cake just for being compelling, but it would probably go stale on its journey from Wales to California...
Anyway, some things I noticed:
"The dragon quakes with anger, the fury building up in it is evident." - since you're linking two related ideas in this one sentence, you need a semicolon here instead of a comma.
"Eventually it explodes" - comma after "eventually."
"A fine powdery, almost invisible dust is spat into the air" - first, if you're describing something with two or more adjectives, you need commas ("a fine, brisk evening"/"a quiet, timid, somehow dignified laugh," etc). "Is spat" is passive and it sounds strange in a passage so filled with active verbs. Maybe try retelling the sentence in another way?
"like a comforting blanket, however this dust is anything but comforting." - needs a semicolon after "blanket" and a comma after "however," or else this is a run-on sentence!
"The dust sneaks its way into the throats of every breathing creature" - favourite line! :)
"They stop for a second trying to clear their throats," - you need a comma after "second," as you're stating what they're doing.
"but the short time they pause, in itself is too long, for the burning substance overtakes them, enveloping them in its torture." - sounds awkward. Rephrase. "But during the short time in which they pause, which is seemingly too long..." is just a suggestion. Experiment with it! ;)
In the last line, the semicolon should be a comma.
Sorry if I sound picky; I really like your work and thought I'd point those things out.
~Kira's Song
5/27/2007 c1 22Sambot
The metaphor you are trying to achieve with this piece - describing a volcano with the image of a dragon, is missed. You are actually describing a dragon using the image of a volcano, if that makes sense. If you want to apply a metaphor to the volcano, you must describe the metaphor, then link it to the subject. For instance, in this case, I would say:
Flame poured from it's mouth
chewing men up, consuming their town.
Notice how, if read literally, this sounds like a dragon. But, through the course of your work, you will make it clear that the real subject is not a dragon.
Good imagery.
If you're gonna put this in the poetry section, it's ok if the format is the same as prose, but you need to pay a little more attention to the rhythm of your phrases. Don't sit there and count them out, but try to feel them like you feel the beat behind your favorite song.
Of course, I could've misunderstood and read this all wrong, so take it with a grain of salt. Finally, thanks for reviewing my work.
22SambotThe metaphor you are trying to achieve with this piece - describing a volcano with the image of a dragon, is missed. You are actually describing a dragon using the image of a volcano, if that makes sense. If you want to apply a metaphor to the volcano, you must describe the metaphor, then link it to the subject. For instance, in this case, I would say:
Flame poured from it's mouth
chewing men up, consuming their town.
Notice how, if read literally, this sounds like a dragon. But, through the course of your work, you will make it clear that the real subject is not a dragon.
Good imagery.
If you're gonna put this in the poetry section, it's ok if the format is the same as prose, but you need to pay a little more attention to the rhythm of your phrases. Don't sit there and count them out, but try to feel them like you feel the beat behind your favorite song.
Of course, I could've misunderstood and read this all wrong, so take it with a grain of salt. Finally, thanks for reviewing my work.