for Living on A Rollercoaster11/28/2008 c1 
12Draseria
I really liked how you incorporated memories into the beginning of the story. It kind of gives a sort of effect that almost helps the reader get to know your main character a bit more, and it's also a technique that takes a good bit of skill to be able to do and you pulled it off. I was also impressed with your use of dialogue. I always trip up with that stuff, so I'm always amazed when I see people able to weave that into their writing.
12DraseriaI really liked how you incorporated memories into the beginning of the story. It kind of gives a sort of effect that almost helps the reader get to know your main character a bit more, and it's also a technique that takes a good bit of skill to be able to do and you pulled it off. I was also impressed with your use of dialogue. I always trip up with that stuff, so I'm always amazed when I see people able to weave that into their writing.
8/13/2008 c1 7Happy Pappy
I really love the title of the story, I'm not completely sure why though.
This was a good start to the story, you left enough in the shadows to make the readers want to get the next chapter out. I found myself interested in what is going to happen next.
The one flaw I saw was you kind of lacked description. You threw in little bits every now and then which is good because you weren't pounding the reader with huge bulks of description but it became a little difficult to picture some of the scenes.
Other than that, it looks like a good start so keep writing!
7Happy PappyI really love the title of the story, I'm not completely sure why though.
This was a good start to the story, you left enough in the shadows to make the readers want to get the next chapter out. I found myself interested in what is going to happen next.
The one flaw I saw was you kind of lacked description. You threw in little bits every now and then which is good because you weren't pounding the reader with huge bulks of description but it became a little difficult to picture some of the scenes.
Other than that, it looks like a good start so keep writing!
8/13/2008 c1 4chel bel
Not bad so far. I feel like you've characterized Kat pretty well already. I liked how you gradually revealed things about her past as the story went on, and I didn't really catch any major grammar errors. The only thing I could think to say that I dislike about the story is that I feel it's a bit cliche. I feel like I've read things with a girl moving to a new school and all that stuff before, but I'm sure you've got something interesting in store for us. Anyway, I hope you update this soon. Good job!
4chel belNot bad so far. I feel like you've characterized Kat pretty well already. I liked how you gradually revealed things about her past as the story went on, and I didn't really catch any major grammar errors. The only thing I could think to say that I dislike about the story is that I feel it's a bit cliche. I feel like I've read things with a girl moving to a new school and all that stuff before, but I'm sure you've got something interesting in store for us. Anyway, I hope you update this soon. Good job!
8/12/2008 c1 3KnittingKneedle
Hi review game!
I quite liked the start as it was a good brief introduction to the character's past without masses of exposition.
You describe things well though I did notice a good few adverbs and adjectives, sometimes it is just enough to let the action stand alone.
Kitty or Kat? I'm confused, if it's something just her family calls her than I think you should be a bit more explicit.
I'm not entirely sure where this is going and I think you may need a bit more of a hook to distinguish this from other stories, however, its a good solid start and I can see a good deal of time has gone into it...well done!
3KnittingKneedleHi review game!
I quite liked the start as it was a good brief introduction to the character's past without masses of exposition.
You describe things well though I did notice a good few adverbs and adjectives, sometimes it is just enough to let the action stand alone.
Kitty or Kat? I'm confused, if it's something just her family calls her than I think you should be a bit more explicit.
I'm not entirely sure where this is going and I think you may need a bit more of a hook to distinguish this from other stories, however, its a good solid start and I can see a good deal of time has gone into it...well done!
8/12/2008 c1 noroomforspace
This has a good hook, and I must congratulate you on your use of some very potentially realistic characters. I hope to see more fleshing out in later chapters. However, it could use a good once-over, perhaps by a beta who can point out the grammar issues and work with you on any other problems that may arise.
Other than that, the only problems I can find were that you infrequently switch between Katrina's nicknames. Please try to stick with one name for her throughtout your writing, even if, in dialogue, her friends call her different names. Using one name will lessen confusion for readers, who will eventually start to recognize her nickname(s) on their own through other character's dialogue.
Personally, while I don't usually read works like this, I liked the idea of it being about a girl who's had to move to a new school, especially in her adolesence. I, and I'm sure many other young readers, can relate to that, and will find it interesting. Good work, keep it up.
This has a good hook, and I must congratulate you on your use of some very potentially realistic characters. I hope to see more fleshing out in later chapters. However, it could use a good once-over, perhaps by a beta who can point out the grammar issues and work with you on any other problems that may arise.
Other than that, the only problems I can find were that you infrequently switch between Katrina's nicknames. Please try to stick with one name for her throughtout your writing, even if, in dialogue, her friends call her different names. Using one name will lessen confusion for readers, who will eventually start to recognize her nickname(s) on their own through other character's dialogue.
Personally, while I don't usually read works like this, I liked the idea of it being about a girl who's had to move to a new school, especially in her adolesence. I, and I'm sure many other young readers, can relate to that, and will find it interesting. Good work, keep it up.
8/9/2008 c1 1Master Judgment
I liked your opening because, well, it had me hooked and had a sentimental value with the photo album. You also had well-written descriptions of character appearances. I found some of the story pretty comical and I saw some parallels to my story, mainly the main characters.
I disliked some of your grammar, but I'm a stickler for that. ("hurry up, breakfast" to "up; breakfast, eat quickly, You… up. You.") I would have liked more imagery in your settings to reflect tone, characterization, etc. Katrina also has a lot of nicknames. I got her confused with another character at one point, and had to reread the portion.
1Master JudgmentI liked your opening because, well, it had me hooked and had a sentimental value with the photo album. You also had well-written descriptions of character appearances. I found some of the story pretty comical and I saw some parallels to my story, mainly the main characters.
I disliked some of your grammar, but I'm a stickler for that. ("hurry up, breakfast" to "up; breakfast, eat quickly, You… up. You.") I would have liked more imagery in your settings to reflect tone, characterization, etc. Katrina also has a lot of nicknames. I got her confused with another character at one point, and had to reread the portion.
8/7/2008 c1 123456DoesNotExist
Hmm... Well, let's see... I review as I read, so my overall comments'll be at the end.
I think that, as lovely as the first two sentences are, if you took them out, "This is one of the few things that I have left of her," etc. would be a better start. I think it would catch the readers a little more, which, on fictionpress, is very important in a first line.
Also, one easy thing you can do to improve the readability of the whole thing is the use of the word 'that'. Go through in Word with the find tool, search for 'that', and if the sentence can be used without it, get rid of it. There's one thing my evil communications teacher taught me.
Another thing I would do if I were you would be to look for a Beta Reader. There are enough grammar problems throughout that it would be very beneficial for you to get someone to edit your work before you post. I volunteer if you're interested :)
It flows well, though, at some points you have groups of very short sentences that can lead to a choppy read. (I, however, have the opposite problem...)
Oi! Twenty pages of Shakespeare is a lot.
Ooh, it looks like this Duane may be an interesting character...
Well, I liked it, it's a nice start. It raised a lot of questions, which keeps the reader wondering (and reading!). Great start!
~Me
Hmm... Well, let's see... I review as I read, so my overall comments'll be at the end.
I think that, as lovely as the first two sentences are, if you took them out, "This is one of the few things that I have left of her," etc. would be a better start. I think it would catch the readers a little more, which, on fictionpress, is very important in a first line.
Also, one easy thing you can do to improve the readability of the whole thing is the use of the word 'that'. Go through in Word with the find tool, search for 'that', and if the sentence can be used without it, get rid of it. There's one thing my evil communications teacher taught me.
Another thing I would do if I were you would be to look for a Beta Reader. There are enough grammar problems throughout that it would be very beneficial for you to get someone to edit your work before you post. I volunteer if you're interested :)
It flows well, though, at some points you have groups of very short sentences that can lead to a choppy read. (I, however, have the opposite problem...)
Oi! Twenty pages of Shakespeare is a lot.
Ooh, it looks like this Duane may be an interesting character...
Well, I liked it, it's a nice start. It raised a lot of questions, which keeps the reader wondering (and reading!). Great start!
~Me
8/7/2008 c1 4PhantomBialystock
Great beginning! I'm really enjoying your story a lot. The very beginning was very well written and left me with a lot of questions. It made me want to just keep reading on. Why was the book so important to her? Why did she have tears in her eyes as she read it? It all made me extremely curious.
I just have a few suggestions for how you could make this a better piece. First off, there's a bit of a grammar issue throughout this. You can't have two people speaking in the same paragraph. This is hard to explain, so I'll give you an example:
“Uh Megan?” Kat asked, “ Where…” “Your plate is on the counter, and the syrup and butter are over there,” Megan said, gesturing toward the table with the spatula that she was using.
This gets confusing to read. Something like this would be better:
"Uh, Megan?" Kat asked, "Where . . ."
"Your plate is on the counter, and the syrup and butter are over there," Megan said, gesturing toward the table with the spatula that she was using.
Also, at the very beginning:
Katrina gently caressed the leather-bound album,
Since you call her Kat throughout the rest of the chapter, the first use of her name should probably be Kat. It was a bit confusing to read at first. Since you eventually get her full name in later in the chapter, I would use her nickname when first referring to her.
Besides those few things, you've got a great story going! Keep it up!
4PhantomBialystockGreat beginning! I'm really enjoying your story a lot. The very beginning was very well written and left me with a lot of questions. It made me want to just keep reading on. Why was the book so important to her? Why did she have tears in her eyes as she read it? It all made me extremely curious.
I just have a few suggestions for how you could make this a better piece. First off, there's a bit of a grammar issue throughout this. You can't have two people speaking in the same paragraph. This is hard to explain, so I'll give you an example:
“Uh Megan?” Kat asked, “ Where…” “Your plate is on the counter, and the syrup and butter are over there,” Megan said, gesturing toward the table with the spatula that she was using.
This gets confusing to read. Something like this would be better:
"Uh, Megan?" Kat asked, "Where . . ."
"Your plate is on the counter, and the syrup and butter are over there," Megan said, gesturing toward the table with the spatula that she was using.
Also, at the very beginning:
Katrina gently caressed the leather-bound album,
Since you call her Kat throughout the rest of the chapter, the first use of her name should probably be Kat. It was a bit confusing to read at first. Since you eventually get her full name in later in the chapter, I would use her nickname when first referring to her.
Besides those few things, you've got a great story going! Keep it up!
8/7/2008 c1 3BeautyisFleeting
Good story!
It was an interesting begining - alittle confusing though- but I liked it!
I loved Kat as a main character! She's really relateable!
3BeautyisFleetingGood story!
It was an interesting begining - alittle confusing though- but I liked it!
I loved Kat as a main character! She's really relateable!
5/29/2007 c1 6The Melodious Nocturne
Nice so far. I can't say much cuz' its just the first chapter, but it's a good start. I got a little confused when you used Kat at first. You would randomly use her full name and her nickname and it was hard to tell if it was two different people or not, so that could be fixed up. I want to know what this cataclysmic change is, so keep writing!
6The Melodious NocturneNice so far. I can't say much cuz' its just the first chapter, but it's a good start. I got a little confused when you used Kat at first. You would randomly use her full name and her nickname and it was hard to tell if it was two different people or not, so that could be fixed up. I want to know what this cataclysmic change is, so keep writing!
5/23/2007 c1 9crying-kitten
Very nice start! It makes me want to read more. The flashback at the first of the story had me a little confused for a moment. Maybe it should be italicized or something to set it apart. I'm anxious to see what is going to happen!
9crying-kittenVery nice start! It makes me want to read more. The flashback at the first of the story had me a little confused for a moment. Maybe it should be italicized or something to set it apart. I'm anxious to see what is going to happen!