for Simon3/14/2008 c4 
8SwordoftheKing
He-heh... sorta didn't see someone with Simon's level of nervousness towards females being good in a dance class. I suppose when taken fully in his pursuits his mind is concentrated enough to avoid his seemingly normal reaction? (Running away?)Anywho- ON TO NOTES!
"You have a nice place, a good job, lots of talent, and so much looks!" 'so much looks'... m, isn't... m... Doesn't work! Maybe 'such good looks'? Or something?
Other than that, nothing to note! IS GOOD! And I'm certainly glad for Simon that he has his luck instead of mine... "He half expected Emerson to run away, or cry, or be angry, or do whatever girls did in these situations." In most cases- such situations end in me getting hurt. (I wonder why the stuttering of a nervous male so often is taken as a pepper-sprayable offense?)Ah- well...
I'll await the next update with great anticipation!
8SwordoftheKingHe-heh... sorta didn't see someone with Simon's level of nervousness towards females being good in a dance class. I suppose when taken fully in his pursuits his mind is concentrated enough to avoid his seemingly normal reaction? (Running away?)Anywho- ON TO NOTES!
"You have a nice place, a good job, lots of talent, and so much looks!" 'so much looks'... m, isn't... m... Doesn't work! Maybe 'such good looks'? Or something?
Other than that, nothing to note! IS GOOD! And I'm certainly glad for Simon that he has his luck instead of mine... "He half expected Emerson to run away, or cry, or be angry, or do whatever girls did in these situations." In most cases- such situations end in me getting hurt. (I wonder why the stuttering of a nervous male so often is taken as a pepper-sprayable offense?)Ah- well...
I'll await the next update with great anticipation!
3/14/2008 c3 SwordoftheKing
YAY! Still good. "“I’m glad I came tonight.” he said, “ I find this whole situation very entertaining.”" LOVE IT! Definitely enjoying Angelo's character so far. AND EVERYTHING ELSE TOO!
On to notes!
"His smooth accent intertwined with the silk Italian words sounded beautiful." 'silky' would probably work better. To say they're 'silk' words is to imply they're words made from the fabric silk- when I THINK you're trying to say they're smooth and flowing.
"“What!” Simon gasped, turning around to stare at his best friend and the girl. Angelo deftly turned Simon’s head back toward the knife in his hand. Simon seemed irritated. “My best friend and that…girl!”" PUNCTUATION OVERKILL! (Sorry- couldn't help m'self.) One punctuation mark is generally sufficient- on a RARE occasion, two. Any more, and it just becomes difficult to read. The context is already set well enough that the extras are redundant anyhow- the readers already understand that the character is shocked and confused. (In this particular case, I'd suggest '!' after 'what' and '?' after 'girl'- but is, of course, all up to you.)Also, if he's hissing, wouldn't it be sort'a difficult to put in that much emphasis anyways?
"With his bare feet wriggling inside the legs and his hair sticking out at odd angles." Isn't actually a complete thought- I'd suggest somehow combining it with the previous sentence.
"“no!” he gasped. Eon nodded, casually. Simon sputtered something before turning to Angelo, “May I move in with you tomorrow?” he asked earnestly." Firstly- 'no' needs capitalizing. Secondly- the comma between 'nodded' and 'casually' serves no useful purose, and makes the sentence clumsy. Thirdly- that sentence is fairly short and somewhat stocky anyhow- I would suggest changing the period to a comma, and putting an 'and' after it, thus combining it with the next.
"If you want to help out I’m sure she wont mind, though." 'wont' needs an apostrophe.
And now I go to read more!
YAY! Still good. "“I’m glad I came tonight.” he said, “ I find this whole situation very entertaining.”" LOVE IT! Definitely enjoying Angelo's character so far. AND EVERYTHING ELSE TOO!
On to notes!
"His smooth accent intertwined with the silk Italian words sounded beautiful." 'silky' would probably work better. To say they're 'silk' words is to imply they're words made from the fabric silk- when I THINK you're trying to say they're smooth and flowing.
"“What!” Simon gasped, turning around to stare at his best friend and the girl. Angelo deftly turned Simon’s head back toward the knife in his hand. Simon seemed irritated. “My best friend and that…girl!”" PUNCTUATION OVERKILL! (Sorry- couldn't help m'self.) One punctuation mark is generally sufficient- on a RARE occasion, two. Any more, and it just becomes difficult to read. The context is already set well enough that the extras are redundant anyhow- the readers already understand that the character is shocked and confused. (In this particular case, I'd suggest '!' after 'what' and '?' after 'girl'- but is, of course, all up to you.)Also, if he's hissing, wouldn't it be sort'a difficult to put in that much emphasis anyways?
"With his bare feet wriggling inside the legs and his hair sticking out at odd angles." Isn't actually a complete thought- I'd suggest somehow combining it with the previous sentence.
"“no!” he gasped. Eon nodded, casually. Simon sputtered something before turning to Angelo, “May I move in with you tomorrow?” he asked earnestly." Firstly- 'no' needs capitalizing. Secondly- the comma between 'nodded' and 'casually' serves no useful purose, and makes the sentence clumsy. Thirdly- that sentence is fairly short and somewhat stocky anyhow- I would suggest changing the period to a comma, and putting an 'and' after it, thus combining it with the next.
"If you want to help out I’m sure she wont mind, though." 'wont' needs an apostrophe.
And now I go to read more!
3/14/2008 c2 SwordoftheKing
You put 'The Princess Bride' in your story... I freakin' love you.
*ahem*
Now- still lovin' your story'n all- but had a few things I thought to mention.
Firstly- "The closest thing to a father that he’d had for fifteen years. and as he looked into the elder man’s eyes he knew the he had to tell someone." After a period, capitalize. Though in this case, it would probably work better to just switch '.' for ';'. Also, 'the he' should probably be 'that he'.
Next- "He told James Hawkins about Emerson Grey and how she made him nervous than any other girl he had ever met." Needs a 'more' between 'him' and 'nervous'.
Then- "“Simon, I find you a very fascinating and complicated young man.” he said. “ how I would love to get inside your mind and find out what makes you tick.”" The break, '” he said. “' is unnecessary, and I'd suggest just nixing it. Also- the word after a period ('how' in this case) needs capitalization.
And- "She smiled broadly ay him." 'ay' - 'at'
Then- "He stashed his inhaler in the medicine cabinet before washing the wound and covering it with a cause pad and medical tape." 'cause' should probably be 'gauze'
And that's it for the strictly grammatical whatsits. Now- two more notes.
Firstly- you have a couple of block paragraphs... they are large, and difficult to read as such. It would be easier if you could find any way at all to break them down into smaller sections- like three to five, *maybe* as many as seven sentences. Otherwise, instead of having a nice flowing stream of words flowing gently into the reader's head, it's some'at more akin to having a sledgehammer of words bashing through the reader's skull and leaving their poor mind fragmented on the walls. Not to say the words are in any way bad, there's just too many of them to take in one chunk.
Secondly- unless specifically visiting a shrink... most males do not have long intricate conversations on their inner feelings and emotions and such. In fact, most do not have long intricate conversations- period- or at least not until they've known their listener for quite a sum of years. It might be better to have the two know each other from much further in the past, or have the conversation not be quite so deep.
But... WHATEVER! I LOVED IT ANYWHO! On to the next chappie!
You put 'The Princess Bride' in your story... I freakin' love you.
*ahem*
Now- still lovin' your story'n all- but had a few things I thought to mention.
Firstly- "The closest thing to a father that he’d had for fifteen years. and as he looked into the elder man’s eyes he knew the he had to tell someone." After a period, capitalize. Though in this case, it would probably work better to just switch '.' for ';'. Also, 'the he' should probably be 'that he'.
Next- "He told James Hawkins about Emerson Grey and how she made him nervous than any other girl he had ever met." Needs a 'more' between 'him' and 'nervous'.
Then- "“Simon, I find you a very fascinating and complicated young man.” he said. “ how I would love to get inside your mind and find out what makes you tick.”" The break, '” he said. “' is unnecessary, and I'd suggest just nixing it. Also- the word after a period ('how' in this case) needs capitalization.
And- "She smiled broadly ay him." 'ay' - 'at'
Then- "He stashed his inhaler in the medicine cabinet before washing the wound and covering it with a cause pad and medical tape." 'cause' should probably be 'gauze'
And that's it for the strictly grammatical whatsits. Now- two more notes.
Firstly- you have a couple of block paragraphs... they are large, and difficult to read as such. It would be easier if you could find any way at all to break them down into smaller sections- like three to five, *maybe* as many as seven sentences. Otherwise, instead of having a nice flowing stream of words flowing gently into the reader's head, it's some'at more akin to having a sledgehammer of words bashing through the reader's skull and leaving their poor mind fragmented on the walls. Not to say the words are in any way bad, there's just too many of them to take in one chunk.
Secondly- unless specifically visiting a shrink... most males do not have long intricate conversations on their inner feelings and emotions and such. In fact, most do not have long intricate conversations- period- or at least not until they've known their listener for quite a sum of years. It might be better to have the two know each other from much further in the past, or have the conversation not be quite so deep.
But... WHATEVER! I LOVED IT ANYWHO! On to the next chappie!
3/14/2008 c1 SwordoftheKing
“Yes, I call it luck!” He said, emphatically, “You’ve got girls falling all over themselves to get at you!”
I call it luck too... dangit, I've got girls falling all over themselves as well, but generally in an attempt to flee my presence...
Anywho- I'm like'in this so far! Characters seem decently realistic and no spelling/grammar typos jumped out and bit me, I'll call it good! On to the next chapter!
“Yes, I call it luck!” He said, emphatically, “You’ve got girls falling all over themselves to get at you!”
I call it luck too... dangit, I've got girls falling all over themselves as well, but generally in an attempt to flee my presence...
Anywho- I'm like'in this so far! Characters seem decently realistic and no spelling/grammar typos jumped out and bit me, I'll call it good! On to the next chapter!
9/16/2007 c4 1Georgiana
This is a really nice story:) I think you have Simon pretty well explained, but then there's Emerson. She's still somewhat of a mystery. I'm sorry for this really short review, but homework calls... Just know that I think you write very well and I like the natural feeling you've given this story. I'll be back for more:)
1GeorgianaThis is a really nice story:) I think you have Simon pretty well explained, but then there's Emerson. She's still somewhat of a mystery. I'm sorry for this really short review, but homework calls... Just know that I think you write very well and I like the natural feeling you've given this story. I'll be back for more:)
6/26/2007 c4 19ihrtbks
Cute...Emerson and Simon, Briala and Eon! Okay? Simon's constant blushing is endearing.
UPDATE SOON!
19ihrtbksCute...Emerson and Simon, Briala and Eon! Okay? Simon's constant blushing is endearing.
UPDATE SOON!
5/28/2007 c3 463All Alone With Her Thoughts
Great story so far! I look forwards to updates.
Thanks for the review!
Rowan.
463All Alone With Her ThoughtsGreat story so far! I look forwards to updates.
Thanks for the review!
Rowan.
5/28/2007 c3 2Enlightening Death
Wow, you really do update fast...
So Eon likes Briala who likes Simon who will eventually like Emerson, right? Slightly confusing love triangle/square. Maybe you should emphasise that in future chapters.
It took me a while to figure out what 'Hubbout' meant.
I love how Eon is green with envy about something that Simon would gladly give up. It makes the whole situation oh so more hilarious.
Simon mentioning the Children's home seemed interesting, i wonder if there's a background story to that.
xx
PS - Could R&R something of mine. I'm still new here so i don't have reviews to keep me motivated. Thank you in advance!
2Enlightening DeathWow, you really do update fast...
So Eon likes Briala who likes Simon who will eventually like Emerson, right? Slightly confusing love triangle/square. Maybe you should emphasise that in future chapters.
It took me a while to figure out what 'Hubbout' meant.
I love how Eon is green with envy about something that Simon would gladly give up. It makes the whole situation oh so more hilarious.
Simon mentioning the Children's home seemed interesting, i wonder if there's a background story to that.
xx
PS - Could R&R something of mine. I'm still new here so i don't have reviews to keep me motivated. Thank you in advance!
5/20/2007 c2 Enlightening Death
Whoa, that was a quick update! Thank you for the long PM, it cleared up a lot of things that i 'needed' to know ^^
First thing: The transition of time and place seems a bit awkward. How about using those line separating thingies to distinguish when the story moves from one place to another.
Second thing: A millionaire eh? Extremely convenient. But (yes, another but!) why does James Hawkins make Simon do random jobs? If Simon was his personal assistant shouldn't he just do the regular jobs, like take his calls, plan his schedule or something? Does James make Simon his personal assistant as an excuse so he can see and treat him like a son? And your description of Simon made him seem like a male model *tries not to drool*
Third thing: Is Briala a stalker? Her turning up after Simon's panic attack was extremely freaky! And is Simon infatuated with Emerson already? As shy as he is, he's fast (personally, i whole-heartedly agree with James' advice). And talking about shy...and cute...and absolutely adorable, he just ran away ^^ Bless his little (fictional) heart! Whats even cuter is Simon getting smacked over the head with his t-shirt!
Fourth thing: *cries* I've fallen in love with Eon...*sniffles* a nurse...*blissful sigh*
Fifth thing: Underground station? This set in England?
Okay, I'll stop here before this gets any longer :)
xx
Whoa, that was a quick update! Thank you for the long PM, it cleared up a lot of things that i 'needed' to know ^^
First thing: The transition of time and place seems a bit awkward. How about using those line separating thingies to distinguish when the story moves from one place to another.
Second thing: A millionaire eh? Extremely convenient. But (yes, another but!) why does James Hawkins make Simon do random jobs? If Simon was his personal assistant shouldn't he just do the regular jobs, like take his calls, plan his schedule or something? Does James make Simon his personal assistant as an excuse so he can see and treat him like a son? And your description of Simon made him seem like a male model *tries not to drool*
Third thing: Is Briala a stalker? Her turning up after Simon's panic attack was extremely freaky! And is Simon infatuated with Emerson already? As shy as he is, he's fast (personally, i whole-heartedly agree with James' advice). And talking about shy...and cute...and absolutely adorable, he just ran away ^^ Bless his little (fictional) heart! Whats even cuter is Simon getting smacked over the head with his t-shirt!
Fourth thing: *cries* I've fallen in love with Eon...*sniffles* a nurse...*blissful sigh*
Fifth thing: Underground station? This set in England?
Okay, I'll stop here before this gets any longer :)
xx
5/20/2007 c1 Enlightening Death
0_0
Oh my...poor Eon (by the way, i love that name!), giving the new girl a 'special' show...i really like how the story is progressing so far, its really funny, but (yes, there's a but ^^) my only problem with this so far is the lack of description. As good as the plot is, I want to know more :P
Simon and Eon are roomies, but what do they do? Are they in college or are they just friends who find it easier to split living expenses? How did they meet?
And more description about how the duo look would be helpful. So far we know that Simon has (awesomely cool styled) blonde hair, big hands (makes people wonder...) and a unique dress sense. What about his features? And the lovely blushing Eon? He has black hair but what makes all the girls look past him to Simon?
I'm craving for the next chapter now! Update soon!
xx
0_0
Oh my...poor Eon (by the way, i love that name!), giving the new girl a 'special' show...i really like how the story is progressing so far, its really funny, but (yes, there's a but ^^) my only problem with this so far is the lack of description. As good as the plot is, I want to know more :P
Simon and Eon are roomies, but what do they do? Are they in college or are they just friends who find it easier to split living expenses? How did they meet?
And more description about how the duo look would be helpful. So far we know that Simon has (awesomely cool styled) blonde hair, big hands (makes people wonder...) and a unique dress sense. What about his features? And the lovely blushing Eon? He has black hair but what makes all the girls look past him to Simon?
I'm craving for the next chapter now! Update soon!
xx