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11/11/2008 c8 6VeeVeeLa
yea next book next book! plz i liked this story ^_^
6/29/2007 c8 1SC Mac
First I would like to say that this book has potential. IN order to make it better you should hae a more defined plotline. What is the climax? What is the problem? You also need to give the characters more character. Give them personality and faults. Give descriptions of their looks and attitudes.

Another very important thing is to "show not tell". My english teacher always said this. I cannot really explain how I understand it, but it is key.

You also need to fill in the holes. It gets very jumpy. You skip months. Instead you could say how school was passing swiftly before I knew it it was Christmas.

I also believe you should have Avery and Renee grow into a friendship not they meet and are friends. They ending had a feeling of ... I just want it to end...instead, take your time.

I belive the best thing you could do for yourself is put this away for a while and in a few months, start writing the story again. Take out some paragraphs and sentances; keep the ones you like; add in; give some depth. Be your own editor but wait a while. When the story is fresh on your mind, you won't see mistakes.

Good luck and don't hold back!
6/4/2007 c8 Hidden Flowers
You ought continue it on FP. I assume that that is your intention?
5/29/2007 c1 3Daydream Nation
I think your idea is really good, but the problem is reading this story so that it flows smoothly. I mean, the scene changes are way too sudden. She gets kicked out by her mom, and then "I turned around, and I saw a woman." The ideas change way too quickly. Maybe if you could reflect a bit longer on each scene/idea in the story, it would be awesome.

Also, maybe you could work a bit on the description, because they're not very interesting. Sure, I get the image of a massive stone school with high towers and a elegant fence surrounding it when I read your description of the school, but the way you put it was kind of choppy. Just work on style, and I'm sure it'll be a pretty cool story. :)

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