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7/16/2008 c5 This account is empty
Heh... Keel showed those slavers! Moving on, I can't really see anything wrong with this chapter... The only thing that kind of irks me is the lack of dialogue in the story on the whole. Everything else - action, setting, characters - is brilliant, but you could make it a lot richer by adding dialogue. Of course, that's just my opinion. I like Phoenix Hope, nonetheless, and hope you'll continue. Please do!
7/13/2008 c2 This account is empty
Nice chapter... though I'm a bit sad at how much shorter it is compared to the first one. The part where Dillom first slavers was well written - very suspenseful. However, there's something in the first two chapters that is a little odd. Carilla is obviously trying to escape from her family, and you say that discreetly in chapter one... though her destination is unknown... shouldn't it have been mentioned? And in this chapter, when Jacred starts attacking everyone, it would work to make it more ACTIVE and less DESCRIPTIVE. Fluffy is wonderful, but during action shots, not really. Overall, I think you shouldn't leave your readers in the darkness. Carilla's escape is just a bit undefined. Besides that, I like it. The end part where you write 'heard' and 'saw' without specifying the subject had a nice ring to it. Anyways... well-written!
7/13/2008 c1 This account is empty
(sorry about the delay) Wow. Your writing is absolutely beautiful. You create the scenes in your story so vividly... wonderful! It's easy to imagine everything you write, and you don't waste words on stuff that doesn't matter. I envy you. It's an interesting idea as well... I don't know where you're going with it, but it has potential.

I like your writing, but shortening the sentences a little wouldn't hurt... sometimes I lose track of what's happening in them. It's not that they're boring, but splitting them up could help.

I can't think of anything else to tell you at the moment. It's a nice idea.
6/24/2008 c3 8Amethyst Asheryn
yeah, I think it's a little too early to tell ... But so far I think they're distinctive and I do like reading about them. :)

And I really like Nishva's name. Where did you get it?

Nothing really to point out. I thought the beginning of the chapter was a little confusing, but that could just be me. Other than that, I liked it!

6/22/2008 c2 Amethyst Asheryn
Short, but hey - whatever.

I like the way you wrote it. I can't say quite how, I just like your wording.

In the first line, you say "Upon awakening, Carilla's first though was that she was amazed she had slept." First, "though" should be "thought," but that was probably just a typo. but also, I think you should say " ... was amazed she had slept *at all*," just because I think it sounds better.

Other than that, I didn't find anything to be changed. I like it!

12/20/2007 c1 9Stahlut
good first chapter, i is quite intriguing. I have to say I love your writing style, it's easy to read, and in great detail, which sets off the charcters, just great darling.
9/16/2007 c8 5The Neurotic Notebook
Great chapter! I really like how you've developed Jacred's character. Kudos for you!

I hope you update soon, but don't worry about it if you can't. I know how annoying HSC can be... I'm currently sitting my Year 11 yearlies waiting for HSC year... Gosh, mine starts in 3 weeks!

Good luck!
6/23/2007 c8 25V de V
Oh, such detail-heavy imagery. I love how you described the wilderness in chapter five. I am wondering now: What came first, your name on FP or the character? Anyways, I am getting a little mixed up with the characters involved in the slave train, but hopefully you will clear this up in the following chapters. I just want to know for whom I am supposed to root, you know? Based on the way you write, this novel does have the beginnings of an epic saga. Keep it up! And thanks for the lovely review. One more chapter before I can call it complete.
6/21/2007 c3 V de V
Hm, alternate universe? It reminds me of some semi-ancient, semi-medieval, 1984 kind of place. I am not sure if that were the effect for which you were aiming, but that is my impression nevertheless. Very creepy bit about the paintings always coming true. You could make a whole story around that idea alone, though it does not seem you are doing that with this particular fic. I shall read more when I next get the chance. Thanks for your review as well. It made my day!
6/12/2007 c2 2yael-heiman
"All of Carilla’s paintings came true. That didn’t mean that people liked it."

-I don't think you need "That didn't...liked it." That part is pretty obvious in itself.

Otherwise, I suggest you try to show, rather than tell, emotions. Use body language to show us how they are feeling, rather than just telling us.
6/12/2007 c1 yael-heiman
I really like this. The one suggestion I have is to separate the two different point of views, so as not to confuse the reader.
6/12/2007 c8 6Carmel March
Lovely chapter. Very nice descriptions, not too wordy, but just enough to give the reader an idea. And great characters. Solid, original, and strongly written. Great job on this, and I hope to read more soon!

6/12/2007 c8 8Amethyst Asheryn
Y'know, this may seem like a stupid question...But does 'silverstruck' mean someone has silver actually in their body, or does it just mean that they've come in contact with silver and are still suffering the effects? And another stupid question: What is Carilla's second name, do we know?

I like this one! :)

6/6/2007 c7 Amethyst Asheryn
Cool. I like this, it's intriguing. I like how you switch POV's, and I like how somehow the stories are connected but yet the characters don't know each other. I wish I could do it that well!

Osprey? She has a wicked name! :D LOL. Thanks

6/6/2007 c7 6Carmel March
I'm in a hurry (gotta go to a school thingymabob), but I just wanted to tell you that you continue to post exemplary chapters. I'm amazed at the quality of your work :) And update soon!

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