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for Versus Crossover :: The Eight Realms

12/29/2007 c3 Denzel'sCRIMSON
Hee hee... Crossover. I remember Kaine! He's a kickass character. Now he's my first favorite and Zane coming in a close second. Still, why is everyone getting beat up so badly! Shouldn't they be all strong and stuff? Like really, Anubian got hit with a huge bunch of powerhouse attacks and not even a scratch-don't you just hate bad guys like that?

Another good chapter, keep it coming. Also, this story kind of reminds me of Dragonball Z at times... Brings back very funny memories of certain episodes and how I used to make fun of Goku and Vegeta. Anyways, Later.
12/29/2007 c2 Denzel'sCRIMSON
Phew... A lot of action in that one. Heh, it was good! I enjoyed it-I'm acutally glad that I was able to read it. I've been going through some stuff, but it's all good now. Anyway, I really like some of the characters-Zane's my over all favorite; I'm kind of sad that he's hurt and all though. And who's this Anubian person with the freaky strongness and stuff. He was like pwning everyone! I'm waiting for you next update. You've really got me hooked.

Question? What tense is Verses written in?
8/18/2007 c3 9hiro0911
continuation - (for some reason my review did not upload well, sorry)

But in the prologue, it came okay. The trench coat had some straps in the front, connecting it so it won't open

- - that one sounded better, don't you think? So why not be as creative in describing Drako and the others?)I was rooting for something more, given the extensive descriptions you were capable of coming up with judging from the succeeding paragraphs. I know you could improve this more, or even better.


Now I'd be giving some grammar errs I found... Hope they help:

1. I noticed that you have the habit of creating awfully long sentences, bombarded with so many phrases placed in succession. They may be grammatically correct; however, sometimes it is better to cut some of them a bit so that you will be able to convey the sentence in a more understandable manner. Take this one for example:

"Mitsumi relaxes a bit, moving enough to look who is talking without letting go of Zane and sees Vyse, their friend that looks similar to Zane, but has some major differences..."

Whoah, what was that again? See, it's quite difficult understanding it in the first read.

It wouldn't hurt breaking them apart into several sentences instead of crowding them all into one.

"Mitsumi relaxes a bit. She moves just enough to see the person who is talking without letting go of Zane and sees Vyse, who happens to have a striking resemblance to Zane. However, the two have some major differences..."

Here's another one:

"Her long black hair is neatly tied, USING a glittery blue ribbon, and elegantly FLOWING down her back, STOPPING just below her waist."

It wouldn't hurt to break them apart a little. Also, cut down on successive -INGs or gerunds (using, flowing, stopping), which make the sentence sound dull. You'll be surprised how such sentence can be simplified without diminishing its descriptive quality.

"Her long black hair, which elegantly flows down to her waist, is neatly held back with a glittery blue ribbon."

Now, that makes them more understandable, eh? ^_^


2. First impressions last - - - so you might want to check the very first sentence of your fic.

"Exotic trees grace the seclude area and are blooming a wide diversity of different color, blowing lightly through the ever-so tender wind."

'SECLUDE' is a verb, but 'SECLUDED' is an adjective. 'DIVERSITY' is synonymous to 'DIFFERENT', so you should only use one of them. DIVERSITY implies a variety - meaning 'COLOR' should have been 'COLORS'. COLORS do not 'blow lightly', so you have to write down the specific thing that performs the action. Check my revision - - -

"The exotic trees, blooming a wide diversity of colors, grace the secluded area. They sway lightly along with the ever-so-tender wind."

3. You sometimes have confusing descriptions:

"He suddenly stops in his track, while the wind is mindlessly blowing his trench coat around, flapping around his body, and waving his hair."

Flapping around? Blowing around? Er... Try something like this:

"He suddenly stops in his track. The wind blows through his hair and flaps his trench coat."

Simple, eh?

There's no such thing as 'flapping around', since FLAPPING is more like a to-and-fro or swaying movement, never circumferential. I'm just not sure with 'blowing around' though...

4. -EDs

I noticed also that you're reluctant to use -EDs since you tell the story in present tense. However, not all -EDs connote a past tense. I found some words that should have the -EDs since they are used as an adjective.

One is the first sentence (Which i have mentioned in number 2) - - - 'seclude' should have been 'SECLUDED'

These too:

"...he begins hearing a familiar jingling sound cause by bells..." - - - 'CAUSED'

"... the young male is preparing himself for any assortment of being ambush..." - - - 'AMBUSHED'

5. Minor errors (typographical origin perhaps...)

"What you’re talking about asshole?" - - - "What ARE you talking about, asshole?"

"You better let go of me small fry or I crush you." - - - "or I'LL crush you"


So, that's about it. Hope they helped. BTW, I enjoyed reviewing your work just as much as I enjoyed reading it. Thanks for keeping me entertained with such a beautifully written piece.

Take care,

8/18/2007 c2 hiro0911
Hey, hiro here. I'm sorry if this one's way overdue. Your work is quite long and took me ages before I was able to complete it, add to it my busy week (*sighs*). But anyway, here's my review as promised. I hope that it would help.

(I'm sorry, this would be long... I can't help it lol...) Here goes...


Well, I'll comment first on the plot. Upon reading your work, I was very impressed of how you were able to inscribe the fight scenes vividly into words. That is something I myself am having difficulty with as far as action/adventure/fantasy genre is concerned, especially when it involves physical movement in fighting scenes and supernatural energy surges. The descriptions were generally ingenious and it was able to maintain a certain level of consistency.

The prologue had a very evocative scenario. What I liked particularly about the prologue was the inventive description of the setting, which included subtle details (petals, bell, little girl giggles) that evoke the reader's imagination to run. The setting was not merely concentrated on what the character sees but also what he could feel, hear, and touch. This is a common mistake of other writers, and I commend you for not being one of those people.

Character wise, I see a great cast of powerful fighters. Right now my personal pick is Vyse (coz I find the name cool :p lol). However, I would like to comment on how you introduced your characters. It's just that I was quite baffled of who-is-who since you introduced too many of them in succession. Maybe it's just me... (my brain must have been lagging so much due to lack of sleep). And one more thing that bothered me midway your fic. It's about the characters too. I find all of them really cool, given the fighting abilities they have and all. However, based on the descriptions, all of them seemed to be 'extremely powerful' that there seemed to be a lack of variation. Yes, I've read it and I understood that they indeed have different fighting styles and weapons perhaps; however, I had some difficulty drawing a line on who is powerful, who is more powerful, and who is extremely, 'god-like'ly powerful among them. It was as if everyone falls in the third category. Sometimes, it would be good to emphasize some weaknesses (instead of flooding the fic of how powerful they are, throwing electric energy back and forth, charging more, then charging even more...), especially during the first part of the fiction - - - then as you progress later on, you mold these weaknesses into strengths. That way you give way and opporunity for character development, which is also a factor in keeping your fiction interesting as it lengthens.

Another is the character clothing. I'm disappointed that the descriptions ended so plainly (white blouse, period. light blue jeans, period. baggy jeans, period. Trench coat, period... quite boring, eh? But in the prologue, it came okay. The trench coat had some straps in the front, connecting it so it won't open

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