for He Told Me I Was Fat9/14/2009 c1 
8maddeningly.mad
This is a powerful work, I'll tell you that. It's excellent writing, excellent grammar from what I can tell, excellent plot, yada yada.
There was one mistake I noticed... "That I was loosing control."
It should be 'losing', not 'loosing'...
But other than that? Amazing. Brilliant. A perfect capture of anorexia. (:
8maddeningly.madThis is a powerful work, I'll tell you that. It's excellent writing, excellent grammar from what I can tell, excellent plot, yada yada.
There was one mistake I noticed... "That I was loosing control."
It should be 'losing', not 'loosing'...
But other than that? Amazing. Brilliant. A perfect capture of anorexia. (:
1/2/2009 c1 jiali18
I think this one shot is really good, but the first person point of view kind of puts me off. I'm sorry, I'm a real stickler to these kinds of things, but I think you should have made this in third person. I realize that you might have wanted to "draw the reader" in, but you didn't really get into her emotions all that much. It was pretty straight forward and I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with that. All I'm saying is that since it was pretty straightforward, putting it in third person would be pretty acceptable. It's just because, well, how can she describe all of this, when, well, she's dead? LOL. Is she an angel or something? Because the tense of the story is in the past, so it seems like she's telling the story in the future. But, well, she's dead in the future. So yeah...it's not consistent. Haha. I hope I'm making sense here. Anyway, point of views are really important! So, if you're going to write another story, I hope you put some thought into the point of views. :D I hope this helped and I hope I made sense here. Haha
I think this one shot is really good, but the first person point of view kind of puts me off. I'm sorry, I'm a real stickler to these kinds of things, but I think you should have made this in third person. I realize that you might have wanted to "draw the reader" in, but you didn't really get into her emotions all that much. It was pretty straight forward and I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with that. All I'm saying is that since it was pretty straightforward, putting it in third person would be pretty acceptable. It's just because, well, how can she describe all of this, when, well, she's dead? LOL. Is she an angel or something? Because the tense of the story is in the past, so it seems like she's telling the story in the future. But, well, she's dead in the future. So yeah...it's not consistent. Haha. I hope I'm making sense here. Anyway, point of views are really important! So, if you're going to write another story, I hope you put some thought into the point of views. :D I hope this helped and I hope I made sense here. Haha
12/11/2008 c1 4Couronne de laurier
This is fantastic!
I really liked the repeatition.
It's such a tricky subject, you got it across perfectly.
Again, well done. :)
4Couronne de laurierThis is fantastic!
I really liked the repeatition.
It's such a tricky subject, you got it across perfectly.
Again, well done. :)
7/31/2008 c1 MatthewPaul
I like the style and the structure a lot. In a sense, the repetition in it reminds me of the beginning of 'The Bluest Eye,' in the way it isolates the exact feeling of what she feels she needs to feel, and what she needs to do.
I just wish there was more insight into everything else going on in the story. Who is he, who is so bold to call her fat on a date? Who is she to not reject him? What has already gotten her to the point to accept that as fact?
I love the concept and the idea; but there are just glimpses where I want to see, and understand.
I like the style and the structure a lot. In a sense, the repetition in it reminds me of the beginning of 'The Bluest Eye,' in the way it isolates the exact feeling of what she feels she needs to feel, and what she needs to do.
I just wish there was more insight into everything else going on in the story. Who is he, who is so bold to call her fat on a date? Who is she to not reject him? What has already gotten her to the point to accept that as fact?
I love the concept and the idea; but there are just glimpses where I want to see, and understand.
7/19/2008 c1 Carus
Wow, this is a really good story. It shows what is going through her mind so well, and I like the repetition of He told me I was fat. It shows just how m uch that was the reason behind what she was doing to herself and what was always on her mind. The ending was really sad though :(
Wow, this is a really good story. It shows what is going through her mind so well, and I like the repetition of He told me I was fat. It shows just how m uch that was the reason behind what she was doing to herself and what was always on her mind. The ending was really sad though :(
7/3/2008 c1 128vitriolicvermilion
Indescribable.
It's amazing what we'll do to ourselves.
I don't know what to say about this.
Except that I'm going to go read everything else you've written, right now. Because this was incredible.
128vitriolicvermilionIndescribable.
It's amazing what we'll do to ourselves.
I don't know what to say about this.
Except that I'm going to go read everything else you've written, right now. Because this was incredible.
5/11/2008 c1 233kelsi bones
i really like this. sad subject matter, but you write about it really well. the repetition of "He told me I was fat." seems a little over used, but at the same time, it helps show how much it impacted her.
k.X
233kelsi bonesi really like this. sad subject matter, but you write about it really well. the repetition of "He told me I was fat." seems a little over used, but at the same time, it helps show how much it impacted her.
k.X