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9/2/2007 c1 94AK the Twilight
I do like the relationship that Jessica and Jarrett show. It's an interesting brother-sister relationship that I don't usually see. You also need to use a bit more imagery. Don't be scared to describe a lot of the world Jess is in. I do understand that you're trying to make it from a high-schoolers point of view, but don't forget to make it appeasing and descriptive.

Also, don't rush this. I understand that you feel compelled, but I know that you can make this even better. Keep up the good work and don't stress yourself out. This is a very rough-edged and interesting story and was a great read. Great job, overall.
9/2/2007 c1 13Sir Scott
Nice introduction, but I don't think you will get this all wrote before summer's end. Unless you work very fast.

Keep up the good work.

~SirScott
8/29/2007 c1 11xDancingintheRainx
Hey

Sorry it took me so long to review. I kept forgetting.

First of all, I like the way you ended this chapter. Its a nice cut off point. I like this story and it definitely had potential, but it needs to be tweaked a bit. I noticed several spelling and grammar errors, but we all make those. I also think that adding some more detail might be a good idea. Where do the characters live, what do they look like, what else is going on and so on. I know its only the first chapter, but character development is important. The bold print makes the story a little uncomfortable to read. It starts hurting your eyes after a while and I think that if you used regular print, you could use bold print to express character emotion which is something you can't do when its already all in bold. I noticed you used ! and !... a couple of times and I don't think that's proper grammar, although I could definitely be wrong on that.

"What are you doing up anyway, its 6:30?" The question mark should be after anyway instead of after 6:30. Then you can add 6:30 in with the next sentence so it doesn't have to hang by itself.

Maybe you could come up with something different other than stuffing the sixth graders into their locker. Do people actually do that? I wouldn't know, but is it even possible with lockers being so small?

I think you should use a different word than "torture" when referring to joking around with your brother. Torture is brutal and cruel and usually leads to death, not teasing. Also it really isn't common for a ten year old to run out of a room screaming because his sister was teasing him. I remember when Carl was ten he had a little attitude of his own. Hehe

There's just a few other sentences I want to point out, so bear with me.

"I like her boyfriend, but not in the romantic sort of way, like an older brother." You should probably separate these sentences because it can potentially confuse the reader. Maybe put a period at way and add onto the like an older brother part so it sounds more like: I like her boyfriend, but not in the romantic sort of way. I like him more like an older brother. Just get creative but make sure the reader doesn't have to read the sentence twice to understand what you're trying to say.

"One reason is because Brittany would move out and I’d have my own room again." If you're going to start the sentence with "One reason..." the reader expects another reason to follow up that sentence, so you can add another reason or you can change the beginning of the sentence.

Anyway, I definitely like the way you've been writing this piece and you need to get an update out soon because I know you've written lots more! I like that this piece has your own creative style added to it. You're doing a great job with this so far! Keep it up!

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