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for Ashton Park

8/19/2007 c1 306Ashelin
Ah, poetry, more my thing. Maybe I will be able to be more helpful on this one opposed to the last work of yours I reviewed. We'll see.

The very first line is quite interesting, the thought that something beautiful could taint what (initially to us) is not. The beginning has an odd taste, like a 100 year old house to be explored. Somewhat ancient, and seeming even more so by the more modern contrast in the second stanza. I hope I'm making sense. Perhaps not. Well, I really enjoyed the lines:

"I myself, having only a Bible-pressed flower

And a blue waistcoat you bought me long ago

Rest tirelessly in the shade of your ego,

Contentedly savouring the aftertaste of experience"

I must agree with the past reviewer about the ending line though. Something is not quite right. I don't think it is the blatant contrast, but I didn't like the word "happy". Not that there is anything wrong with using such words, it just didn't fit right to me. But I'm not sure what to replace it with. So I guess it is just a matter of opinion for now. You did quite a good job on this, and I found it very interesting. Some people may have felt weighted under all the metaphors and lovely language, but I would rather have that then be underwhelmed as I am so many times on this site.

So, continue reading Poe then? He does seem quite the genius to me, but I don't know who you find inspiring. Whoever that is, keep their works close to you then. Again, good job.
6/1/2007 c1 M. Edmondson
I truelly liked your poem, even though it was free verse and I tend to twitch violently when I see it though this poem was beautiful and didn't have to rhymne. I can't believe no one has read it. This poems is sincerely an instant classic. I loved the metaphores it was captivating, moving, and inspiring. Though the one thing that bugged me most was the last line. You could have made it more contrast, or complex and not just put so bluntly. The last line doesn't go with the rest of the poem. In the beginning I have to get the sense of why she is upset, and I love that sort of mystery in your poem. Though you could have made the divorce line more complex. Leave the reader hanging, make them wonder that she has been left, or her lover has died. Leave that suspension in the reader's heads.

Please take into consideration that I only give critisizm to people who I think have potential into becoming a very good poet. And though I maybe harsh, I really mean what I say for the best and for the benefit of your poetry.

And I hope to be reading more of your poetry!

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