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for Will I Die?

9/11/2007 c5 13Shadowhound
This would be much better if it had come a few weeks after the previous chapter, instead of a month or so. I've honestly forgotten what was going on. It was only after rereading the previous chapters that I remembered the story. Still, I enjoyed it.

9/9/2007 c5 4Kouta Aburame
This story is so sad. I wish it was a little longer though. I really like the concept.

There were just a few spelling and grammar errors throughout like "dieing" is spelled "Dying" and "confuse" has a d on the end. Still, everyone makes these mistakes and never even realize it.

I think chapter five needs a little improvement. The sentences in this chapter are the weakest of all and it takes away from the overall story.

Still, this was a fantastic read. I wish it could go on.

I hope you can read my story "Dark Star" and leave a review. I would greatly appriciate your time and attention.
6/30/2007 c3 1Devoted.Lilly
I like the story, it makes me wonder if it's going to be a good ending or a tragedy, you know?

Anyways, I like it.
6/12/2007 c2 13Shadowhound
I'm interested in this disease. It sounds like something that could wipe out the human race, which is always a fun way to do things. Just don't do what Greg Bear did in the Andromeda Strain! Seriously, if you know what I'm talking about you understand. If not, visit

My only real complaint is the length of the chapters. Adding more detail to it more about Shayla's emotions as she faces her death. The death of a nine year old, or at least that's the way you've portrayed it so far. I'm curious as to what's going through her head. As people get older they think about all the things they never got to do. At age nine, they might not even realize they're missing out on life.

6/12/2007 c1 Shadowhound
I don't like the prologue, it isn't really necessary and is something of an infodump. Instead of lobbing all that information together, you could have it in the first chapter when someone is explaining to Shayla what is happening to her, but in much smaller doses than what you have here.

Let's see what the next chapter has in store.

6/2/2007 c1 6believe-in-futures
Fascinating though somewhat morbid idea. It should be really interesting once you get into the characters.

I would recommend rewording the "prologue" a bit. Maybe add other experts yelling out questions to break it up. it's a bit hard to process as a relentless string of facts.

Points about your science:

A few things that you might like to add to his description: is it caused by a virus/bacteria/poison. How children contract it - is it spread through the air or through touch or through the water. If they don't know yet he should still mention that because parents and first line physicians will want to know how to prevent siblings or classmates from getting the same thing.

Why would life support kill someone? The intubation would be uncomfortable and I don't think it's possible to put a person on a heart bypass machine unless their heart has stopped and there is no "brain life support" (which I assume is why they die after five days, their brains give out). If the other organs are 'consumed' then paralysis will not result - death will - if your liver, lungs, stomach etc are destroyed you cannot breathe or ingest food.

Also why 13? Maybe say it does not effect people who have reached puberty - some children will survive if they are 11 and hit puberty early or others will die at 15 because they hit puberty late.

I realize this is probably overload and I'm not trying to scare you away from the idea or bash down your story.

Keep in mind that there are a lot of armchair experts out there who will rip apart your science if your try to base a story around science that isn't sound or at least really well reasoned.

The important part of the story is the characters and I'm very interested in what happens next. I added this to my story alert list and I hope to be able to read more. Cheers.

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