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for Masquerade

7/11/2010 c1 12lianoid
I just read the reviews, and I feel really dumb. I didn’t even notice the message behind the piece. S’okay, though. It’s totally my fault. I’m rather dull sometimes and I was more focused on the random people and their “masquerade”. Now that I think about it, though, I think it’s more than just her deciding she doesn’t want to go with the crowd. The title of the piece says quite a bit, as well as the groups, “You want to join in the masquerade?” I think the message is about people pretending to be something they’re not (which goes along with the whole fitting in with the crowd bit). That’s all I’ve got on that subject for now, though. I’m jolly and dull today so I’m thinking of flowers and bunnies, or something like that. XD

Great piece, though. I really did enjoy this. It was odd, but I liked it. Your descriptions of the group and the lonely furniture really added a nice element of the foreign. I could really feel Madeline’s confusion, and I enjoyed everyone’s reaction to her sudden appearance. They all seemed to function as one, and I enjoyed their murmurings after the boy said she wanted to join them. It was actually a little comical because he hadn’t even asked her; he had practically told her she wanted to. Hmm, yeah, now that I think about it I definitely see the underlying message. Good work with this one, Sir.

"Who's she?" everyone seemed to release the breath they'd been holding when one girl took liberty to point and ask that simple question in her clear voice.

-Edit?: I feel as if the first letter in “everyone” should be capitalized.

"Now, now, people, people!" one boy's voice rang above the others', "is this anyway to behave when faced with a guest?

-Edit?: Another questionable edit, but here it is anyway. I believe the comma after “others’ should be a period and “is” should be “Is”. One more thing; and this might just be a regional difference thingy; I think “anyway” should be “any way.

"What we have here is an innocent girl who wishes to join in on the fun," he stated, and then he turned to me, "Right?"

-Edit: Change the comma after “me” to a period.

"So it is settled," the same boy spoke again in his loud voice that seemed to make everyone shush, "She will join in the masquerade!

-Edit: Change the comma after “shush” to a period.
7/4/2010 c1 23AvidWriter-92
Hmm, I liked this a lot. I think that the whole feel of this story was pretty creepy. I also think that the hidden message in it is that it's humanity's tendency to want to be all the same, when we really need to embrace our individuality. :P

I liked the girl's confusion and the choir's eagerness to coax her into joining. :) I thought that the emotions read really well in this one. :)

Great job, Sercus. :)

~Avid. Roadhouse/GF 8/9
1/8/2010 c1 4lookingwest
I like that this came from a burst of inspiration, I almost never have that happen either so it's good to know bursts of random inspiration exists, somewhere out there, XD.

I like the frantic undertone of this piece because it really built up suspense for me, I wasn't sure what was going to happen and the shear not knowing just kind of put me on edge as a reader.

I also really love your ending because it just became a really wonderful extended metaphor for being different and unique to me. It might not be what you intended but I really like that you were able to use that and execute it combined with wonderful imagery of a masquerade and the fear of conforming. At first it all seems great but I like how it takes a creepy turn and how Madeline just gets fed up with it.

I also like how you play with names too, Madeline to me is unique, while Emily isn't and that's where all the pressure kind of comes from. (Though I like my own name, Emily, I hate that it's so popular!) Luckily, at least I'm not blonde, phew. But I can see where you do some really nice things with the idea of creative non-conformity.

from the review marathon (link in my profile)
9/25/2009 c1 4King of Kings
Rather random and peculiar, but I liked the message. The masquerade choir all in the same masks and clothing is a great metaphor for conformity. Or so I assume that was the point you were trying to make: to not be one of the crowd, to be an individual.

Very nice. ;)
5/26/2009 c1 612simpleplan13
Review Marathon again.. not usually good at stories, but I will do my best since I've reviewed all of your poems...lol.

"The rich colors and royal hues around gave the whole place"... I didn't get the word around here.

"I bolted around the corner and ran towards it."... this is confusing to me 'cause I thought you meant the people since that was the last thing you said, but then it seems like you mean the singing?

"The path made easy"... that sounds awkward to me. Doesn't it have to be made by by something?

"Ms. Madeline"... Ms. is different than Miss.

"Luckily I was aloud to finish this"... allowed

I'm probably just being silly, but I don't really get it. I guess I don't get why else she would've come down maybe you explained her motivations were to look and not participate her freaking out would make more sense, but I just assumed she wanted to participate.

The piece is interesting though. The descriptions are great and I like the idea of this random masquerade.
4/26/2009 c1 Chasing Skylines
[“Everybody ready?” it was that same boy again,]

Don't think that's a speech tag. It should be capitalized, and the comma after again should be a period.

[“Shut up!” I snapped, “I hate dancing, anyway.”]

I snapped is the speech tag for "shut up" only. Unless she snapped "I hate dancing, anyway" as well (which would go against the dialogue), it should be a period after snapped, not a comma.

- Review Marathon, link in profile.
4/18/2009 c1 Miss Bob
Oh gawsh, I am SO sorry for the mix up Sir! (Just proof of how much I should pay attention to dealines etc, karma is extacting her revenge) Anyway, here's your belated April Fools day review.

[The path made easy] maybe make that 'the path was easy to follow' because I don't think it makes much sense like this.

[“Who’s she?” everyone] Needs to be a capital 'e'

[Emily strapped a mask on my head faster than I could comprehend. I blinked, my mind hazy.] One thing I really really liked was this line, because it shows a sense of dnager, maybe? Loss of control in an alien situation? Whatever, it works really well :P

I didn't really get a message from this, so I'm left feeling a bit unsatisfied, could there be any way to make it clearer? Also Madeline's character could do with a little elaboration, she seems... inconsistent, in her speaking style.

Overall, I did like this, good job, could do with some tweaking though :)
4/18/2009 c1 24Miss Bob
Hey Sesshy, sorry this is really rather late...

For starters, I have to say I love your use of the word 'stippled', it puts me in mind of brushes and painting, and coupled with the image of cracks being bandaged by moss, works wonderfully to set the scene.

(Actually, I really like your imagery in general, you have a way with words, Sesshy dear, so I'm not going to pick at every single word that jumps out at me XD)

Nice introduction of the girl character, it leaves you to wonder what she's running from so hastily.

Ah wait, I read on.

*Very* nice introduction of the girl character, there's enough information and subtle backstory to give a very clear reason as to why she's running.

[There was oil in his chest, and when he spoke, a furnace ignited. ] Wowie...

[“My stature and appearance –“] I think you need to get rid of the space before the dash, there.

[He appeared to mull this over. “And my passion in bed.”] O.O I giggled, I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself XD

Oh wow. Sesshy, you should never ever neglect horror again! This is brilliant! You never actually said he is a werewolf, but when I read back I could see how it has been subtely woven through the piece e.g. "Belle saw the bear’s grimace as more a wolf’s grin now." and it works wonderfully. I love it.
3/1/2009 c1 13VelvetyCheerio
Nope. I didn't get the message. :D Spill? Interesting piece, though. Kind of creepy, too. I would be freakin out if I came into some theatre full of masked people.

It feels like you wanted to continue this piece to me. I dunno. Good work though, I liked it despite the pace. :)

2/11/2009 c1 your blind date
My name is Madeline. This is a story about what happened to me one day, not too long ago. {I’d rather see an opening that sets the stage vs. telling me who/why. This didn’t hook me. I’d actually start with the music or describing the place. For some reason this reminded me of Moby Dick}

And music meant people. {liked this line}

There were at least two dozen kids, all staring at me. {you use the word staring a few times in the text that follows. Go for variety. And since the masks are actually so unusual, I would have that be the first thing that is “noticed” rather than the number and/or their clothing and hairstyles}

Nobody breathed./ “Who’s she?” everyone seemed to release the breath they’d been holding {again here you are repeating yourself. Use fresh words, or delete one phrase of the two}

“Madeline.”/“All right, Emmiline, go get Ms. Madeline her costume.” {I think there is something here with the rhyme and name choice but it didn’t come through clearly.}

“Wait!” I shouted, but everyone was singing again. {you mentioned music before. My first impression was chamber orchestra – now the focus is singing. This was a bit confusing.}

“I don’t like this!” I shouted, “I don’t know the steps! {dancing? This is a leap}

Overall this is well written. I like the dialogue, but I’ll admit that the content of the story didn’t grip me. I didn’t see the deeper moral that I think you intended.

I find your author notes most interesting. Sometimes we don’t need plot or a reason. Sometimes you just have a scene in your head. I’m glad you took the time to capture it and share. If you wanted to build on this, the ending line is strong, but I’d be clearer about your main characters motivations and actions - don’t be there just out of curiosity. Tell me why she doesn’t leave (rather than adapting). Give her a relationship with one of the masked people (because I didn’t feel familiarity it felt very random).

*pays for dinner* - I’m off to read a poem for dessert.

12/1/2008 c1 2PocketofChange
Um, this story just inspired a new song, written by yours truly. I hope that you don't mind too terribly much, but I basically love, love, love this analogy and its like the story of my life. Except backwards. I love dancing. And everyone else looks at me weird when I prance around school. Haha. Well. I thought I'd share that with you and if I ever become rich and famous, I'll be sure to give some credit to the one and only Sercus Kaynine.
6/1/2008 c1 10C.M.F Wright
I feel like you could make the writing sound a little more sophisticated in certain places. "Let me take a minute to describe “them”." sounds a bit juvenile to me... I don't think that sentence is necessary.

“Who’s she?” (E)veryone seemed to release the breath they’d been holding when one girl took liberty to point and ask that simple question in her singsong voice. - This sentence feels awkward as written; I think it's a bit too long. could you break it up?

“Where are you going?” (s)omeone shouted.

And I can’t breath with this forsaken mask on! - do you mean "god-forsaken"? "forsaken" by itself sounds odd to me...

I really wasn't expecting this at all - in a good way. I like reading your stories; they always have cool twists. The ending does feel a little rushed compared to the rest of the piece - not terribly so.

Yay, non-conformity! I assume that was the message?

Haha and I can totally relate to the late-night writing thing. I've been known to stay up till 3 AM on a school night because the muse suddenly hit... needless to say, my parents weren't too pleased.
5/21/2008 c1 6asylum writer
Here's the freebie Frac won for you!

I like the message presented in this. It's an important one, commonly repeated in different forms, and yet still overlooked so often.

"fifteen or sixteen years old, about half a decade older than me." - this sounded a little strange to me. When it's so few years, it isn't normally stated in terms of a decade. And to come from a character around ten years old is more unlikely. But, it's a minor detail.

"Oh, and they were all wearing mask." - mask should be plural.

"There were an even amount of boys and girls, as far as I could tell." - I think the were should be a was, since it refers to 'an even amount' which is singular. I don't always get it right either, but I think it's was in this case.

I think my favorite part is when she complains of the cape tripping her and the mask preventing her from breathing. Nice metaphor about the group interfering with being able to be yourself. One thing in that paragraph I wasn't sure about, though: I'm not sure a character around ten years old would've used the word 'forsaken', but it's not really a problem. Just my observation.

I like the nickname/title of 'Director' for the boy in charge. Very fitting.

So, nice job. I like the overall theme and style and message.
12/15/2007 c1 166Laura Schiller
Good for Madeline - she refuses to conform. That's what you meant by the story, I think, though I could be wrong.
12/11/2007 c1 18Vexed and Tired
Well that's a nice little story, even if I find it a bit sad. It has very surreal qualities to it, mainly because of the story's metaphorical nature, lack of boring details and random goings-on.

If this story had to have a moral it would probably sound similar to "don't get swept up with the crowd,". I guess that's a nice message, but I can't help but wonder why she wants to be so different and reject the people who are willing to look after her.

Being swept up by peer pressure is one thing, but surely, by not even trying to meet the people and seeing stuff from their point of view, Ms Madeline is missing out on opportunities.

Oh christ, I'm going all philosophical on you. I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! Honest!

Good story. I often find that the best ideas come to me when I should be asleep. I'm not sure which is worse though: the lack of sleep or the forgetting of good ideas.

I usually compormise by sleeping though the entire weekend and spewing out thoughts 24-hours during the week. I hope you find a better solution. Or at least one that's better for your health.

Sorry for wasting your time with this review. It show's that I care though (or something like that), right?
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