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for HEAL

6/14/2007 c1 37TaltushMeiMei
The words are sad, powerful, and meaningful. The format needs some word. There are numerous fragments that should have commas instead of periods and are all in the same line. Breaking those up would help the flow a lot. For example:

"One day,

When our tasks are complete,

Our paths will meet again.

Your smiling eyes,

In heartfelt memories"

There are tons of these mistakes. They're a bit annoying to read, and while your words are lovely, the overall impression is a weak one. Another thing would be something like "heartfelt". It should probably be one word. Also, "Your hand, out reached". I think you mean "out-stretched". The "whispering" should be lower-cased after you adjust the periods to commas.

Grammar aside, once you get the flow to go smoother, this will be so beautiful. It needs a bit of work to make it wonderful, but it'll get there with just a moment's effort.

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