for Corporate Apocalypse4/6/2013 c8 
1Abbadon Kikoskia
I am eager to see what you have in store for our would-be "Chosen One." If The Bard's Tale has taught me anything, the answer is probably death.
1Abbadon KikoskiaI am eager to see what you have in store for our would-be "Chosen One." If The Bard's Tale has taught me anything, the answer is probably death.
5/25/2010 c1 eiyuang999
hi !
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12/27/2007 c8 Emphasis
Somewhat longer, but still not much of a plot. It built up but it seemed the climax was lacking.:/ But I liked this chapter best.
Random note; the shopkeeper reminded me of Hagrid.XD
Somewhat longer, but still not much of a plot. It built up but it seemed the climax was lacking.:/ But I liked this chapter best.
Random note; the shopkeeper reminded me of Hagrid.XD
12/27/2007 c6 Emphasis
Nice name, but the chapter confused me a little...where did Sulfur come in and who was the girl who was previously speaking?o.o
Nice name, but the chapter confused me a little...where did Sulfur come in and who was the girl who was previously speaking?o.o
12/27/2007 c5 Emphasis
Nice poem...now i am curious as too what the next chapter shall bring...but I think the next chapter could go in here and he could explain the poem or discuss it.:/
Nice poem...now i am curious as too what the next chapter shall bring...but I think the next chapter could go in here and he could explain the poem or discuss it.:/
12/27/2007 c4 Emphasis
Short...O.o It makes it more suspenseful if you have more events in this chapter and then abruptly stop...don't have a few paragraphs and then try to add suspense...it just makes the reader confused.:P
Short...O.o It makes it more suspenseful if you have more events in this chapter and then abruptly stop...don't have a few paragraphs and then try to add suspense...it just makes the reader confused.:P
12/27/2007 c3 Emphasis
MEH! Too short! XD there is so much going for this story...it needs more length! D8 lol, but really, I hate sci-fi stories and this one is really good and it keeps abruptly stopping to go to another chapter.:P try not to switch between characters wither...it's just something in the rules of English. Unless you write one chapter viewing what ONE character is doing, then another chapter with what the other is doing it's alright; you started off with Neon in this chapter then went back to K1 all in this chapter.O.o
MEH! Too short! XD there is so much going for this story...it needs more length! D8 lol, but really, I hate sci-fi stories and this one is really good and it keeps abruptly stopping to go to another chapter.:P try not to switch between characters wither...it's just something in the rules of English. Unless you write one chapter viewing what ONE character is doing, then another chapter with what the other is doing it's alright; you started off with Neon in this chapter then went back to K1 all in this chapter.O.o
12/27/2007 c2 Emphasis
Interesting...one typo though;
Neon to hlep him up
I assume you meant "help"? lol, anyways, I love the detail in this story...but I find that the chapter is still quite short. O.o Maybe you'd consider lengthening it a bit?
perhaps I am just a fast reader though...idk.
Interesting...one typo though;
Neon to hlep him up
I assume you meant "help"? lol, anyways, I love the detail in this story...but I find that the chapter is still quite short. O.o Maybe you'd consider lengthening it a bit?
perhaps I am just a fast reader though...idk.
12/27/2007 c1 Emphasis
hmm...kinda short but I kept reading so it's bound to be pretty good.:) I give it a 4 out of 5.
hmm...kinda short but I kept reading so it's bound to be pretty good.:) I give it a 4 out of 5.
12/8/2007 c8 1Wes Sheaborn
Well not much else left to comment, on, other than a tournament is exactly what I expected (props there). I'm a bit curios about those factory things and I hope that isn't the end of that storyline. Oh, and I don't think sulphur actually "decided" to sneeze. That made it funny.
Keep it up
1Wes SheabornWell not much else left to comment, on, other than a tournament is exactly what I expected (props there). I'm a bit curios about those factory things and I hope that isn't the end of that storyline. Oh, and I don't think sulphur actually "decided" to sneeze. That made it funny.
Keep it up
12/8/2007 c5 Wes Sheaborn
As far as characters go, I found K1 to be the most interesting, although he wasn't exactly human was he? The other characters were flat in my opinion and there wasn't very much development done for them.
Your writing is good, although I spotted a single spelling error in one of the previous chapters, I think it was chapter one not really sure. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful by pointing out where. Your grammar is also very good and precise, making everything easy to catch, although sometimes you use this "-" when you should be using the double lengthed one.
As to enjoyment, yes I did enjoy it! It's very humorous, but not to the point where it detracts from the plot. I found myself almost toppling over at the part where Charles went to search for the glue gun.
I wish I could comment on the plot, but at this point I haven't seen that much plot development to make a decision as to how well I think you are doing it. Although, the idea of corporations taking over might be a bit used. However the way in which you seem to be going is a nice refreshing change to that storyline. I don't get what the rubble had to do with it though.
Finally, I just wanted to comment on the length of your chapters. I am not satisfied; they are too short. I noticed the same with Hard Death's Life. It's like you get invested in the damn thing and then suddenly it ends.
Aw crap, I just noticed that this thing is 7 chapters long and this isn't the last chapter, but being as lazy as I am, I'm not going to delete this and start over again when I finish 7. I doubt there'll be that much change in what I have to say then though xP (what with the chapters being so short).
As far as characters go, I found K1 to be the most interesting, although he wasn't exactly human was he? The other characters were flat in my opinion and there wasn't very much development done for them.
Your writing is good, although I spotted a single spelling error in one of the previous chapters, I think it was chapter one not really sure. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful by pointing out where. Your grammar is also very good and precise, making everything easy to catch, although sometimes you use this "-" when you should be using the double lengthed one.
As to enjoyment, yes I did enjoy it! It's very humorous, but not to the point where it detracts from the plot. I found myself almost toppling over at the part where Charles went to search for the glue gun.
I wish I could comment on the plot, but at this point I haven't seen that much plot development to make a decision as to how well I think you are doing it. Although, the idea of corporations taking over might be a bit used. However the way in which you seem to be going is a nice refreshing change to that storyline. I don't get what the rubble had to do with it though.
Finally, I just wanted to comment on the length of your chapters. I am not satisfied; they are too short. I noticed the same with Hard Death's Life. It's like you get invested in the damn thing and then suddenly it ends.
Aw crap, I just noticed that this thing is 7 chapters long and this isn't the last chapter, but being as lazy as I am, I'm not going to delete this and start over again when I finish 7. I doubt there'll be that much change in what I have to say then though xP (what with the chapters being so short).
7/24/2007 c7 5GilanSalehi
Interesting story. The chapters are very short, but the characters more than make up for it. You've got all the ingredients you need for a Hitchhiker-style sci-fi romp. I was a bit confused in chapter 3 when the narration changed from past tense to present tense, then it went right into the prophecy and back to past tense. Perhaps this is intentional, but I thought maybe that chapter should be written in past tense as well.
This is solid, keep up the good work.
5GilanSalehiInteresting story. The chapters are very short, but the characters more than make up for it. You've got all the ingredients you need for a Hitchhiker-style sci-fi romp. I was a bit confused in chapter 3 when the narration changed from past tense to present tense, then it went right into the prophecy and back to past tense. Perhaps this is intentional, but I thought maybe that chapter should be written in past tense as well.
This is solid, keep up the good work.
7/22/2007 c7 25M.H. Moosetail
its very brief, the chapters. good thing for lazy readers. bad for those that like to read more into your story. I would think your story isn't done yet, if it is, very unremarkable ending. Your last chapter, this chapter is done better than any of the rest in writing wise. Just one liner, which is acceptable. Yup, i'll your story into my Community thinger. its nicely written, just no real plot and very brief. Yup, if you that sorta stuff. you gotta read my lastest and possibly best work, The Sinister Wolf NV. alright, keep writing.
25M.H. Moosetailits very brief, the chapters. good thing for lazy readers. bad for those that like to read more into your story. I would think your story isn't done yet, if it is, very unremarkable ending. Your last chapter, this chapter is done better than any of the rest in writing wise. Just one liner, which is acceptable. Yup, i'll your story into my Community thinger. its nicely written, just no real plot and very brief. Yup, if you that sorta stuff. you gotta read my lastest and possibly best work, The Sinister Wolf NV. alright, keep writing.
7/22/2007 c6 M.H. Moosetail
So those three monks are the head of the Order of the Cockroach? i would think monks talk different. They sound like a group of teenagers that had too much sugar. Storywise, what the is Neon trained for? You don't state what his purpose is. just that he's the only hope for peace in the universe. That doesn't say much or goes any further. next chapter.
So those three monks are the head of the Order of the Cockroach? i would think monks talk different. They sound like a group of teenagers that had too much sugar. Storywise, what the is Neon trained for? You don't state what his purpose is. just that he's the only hope for peace in the universe. That doesn't say much or goes any further. next chapter.
7/22/2007 c3 M.H. Moosetail
cyborgs for monks eh? that is just redicilous, but funny at the same time. Again, the one liner speeches with no ID of who said it or how he said it. yeah that's all i got to say about this one. next chapter.
cyborgs for monks eh? that is just redicilous, but funny at the same time. Again, the one liner speeches with no ID of who said it or how he said it. yeah that's all i got to say about this one. next chapter.