Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Corporate Apocalypse

7/22/2007 c2 25M.H. Moosetail
i gotta say, just the way you write is golden. just how your wrote the beginning where charles is waking up neon. But a trenchcoat, leather strap belt thing, and black sunglasses? Is he Neo? and then you go into those one liner sentences, example, "Of course he is, calm down." if it wasn't for that, i wouldn't comment on your writing. and the bold letters "HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND CON-GRADULATIONS, NEON!" BIG no no. you never see any published authors do any of that do you? or do those one liners? and don't use all caps to express excitement, just like your " ! " take care of that, and a little thing after like "Charles said excitedly." that's okay. next chapter.
7/22/2007 c1 M.H. Moosetail
Alright, wasn't bad. Could use more description on where they are. i got lost, first i find their on some field, then digging for something, then i think their underground. and i got confused with your little, "Alright, two of them were still alive. No, wait, one- Well, one's better than nothing, wouldn't you think?". could be humor,but just as well as confusing. then bang, they start talking one liners which i don't like. and you dont even say who said this and that. you cant expect the reader to know how each monk's own way of speaking so early. i hope the other chapters aren't like that. but it flows, and good.i'll continue reading.
7/11/2007 c4 Bellanyx
Your work shows a lot of promise and I enjoy the way you write. I would be most happy to add you to the C2 list. Keep writing :)
6/20/2007 c6 ecwix
Okay, it feels as though you have some sort of flashback here... and the way you do it is... very... confusing. You should do something to make it more obvious that what they were talking about is a memory-sort of thing. Yeah.

-""Don't you have any sense of decen[c]y in you? You'd let a child starve because of a stupid prophecy?""

^^ I noticed that right before I was going to press "submit review" lol. :P
6/20/2007 c5 ecwix
Okay... no offense, but I found this to be really corny. I'm not sure if that's your intention or not. :P.

If it's not... well, for starters, I'd say stop with the rhyming. :P
6/17/2007 c2 1ShyGhostie
I'm glad you posted more!

I can see this becoming a really awesome coming of age story! It looks like you're doing something new and interesting with it, which I really like! It's so hard not to fall into big cliches when writing coming of age stories.

Also, I'm curions to know what this prophecy is and why it's in place, so I supposed I'd better read the other chapters you've posted! I still enjoy the monks and Charles is so wonderfully freaky, what with his arm falling off and everything! Why is that anyway?

In later chapters I'd like to get a better look inside Neon's head, and I'd like to get a sense of his character. I really hope he ends up being different and quirky...not just some bland figurehead a story revolves around because he looks like he has some serious potential to be a really strong character!

I noticed a few minor typos, but other than that - flawless! Love it! I'll have to go and read the rest when I get a spare moment!
6/17/2007 c4 ecwix
Whoa? What happened to the formatting? This seems so much more... condensed... and... intimidating...

And why is it in present tense all of a sudden? Wasn't it all in past before?

One other note: I think you should make it more clear who is speaking and who is not. Not all the speech, just mainly the ones by the monks. I can't tell if it's Charles or K1 speaking.

And... I guess that's all you have for now. To be honest, you seem to have an interesting setting. Order of the Cockroach.

I bet there was some sort of nuclear holocaust and whatnot. But what's this about reanimation? Zombies? I hope you're not depending upon stereotypes and sort of Hollywood interpretations for any part of your story.

Well, that's it for now, I suppose. :)
6/17/2007 c3 ecwix
-"His head, and the rest [of] his body for that matter, was robotic(,) and was colored with a dark tone. "

Typo.

*End specific notes*

Hm, your chapters are... very short. That brings up a slight problem I'm starting to feel about your main character.

You do a good job with K1 and Charles, but I feel as though Neon is being neglected. He's a complete enigma in terms of his character. I have no clue what he's like, save he has a trenchcoat and a tuft of white hair, basically. Whoo hoo. White hair. Trench coat. How about something more personal, to get readers more acquainted and comfortable with him?

Just a thought. Feel free to ignore at your leisure. :P
6/17/2007 c2 ecwix
Notes:

-"He rolled away from the voice, and shielded himself with a pillow."

Okay, this seems to be something you do often. It's fine sometimes to have the reader pause slightly before continuing on, as a sort of stylistic effect, but when done every time... well, it can get annoying.

Basically, you don't need a comma when connecting compound verbs, which is what you have. You just have two verbs with the same subject. You don't need a comma (did I say that already?)

-"Quite." "Wonderful. Oh, if you'll excuse me."

Slight formatting error. You didn't start a new line. It's probably not your fault, but just the way the stupid Fictionpress thingy uploads documents. Gr... I am very annoyed with that thing...

-"and written in thick black ink(,) were the words"

I don't think the comma is necessary, and it makes the second part of the sentence more confusing, which is bad. Yeah. Take it out. Or don't. Whatever.

*end specific notes*

...Undead monks? That's... odd. But the "prophesy" irks me, although the way you seem to be presenting it, it might turn out not bad after all. Ah well, that's enough for now...
6/17/2007 c1 ecwix
My notes as I read through:

-"The sky hung overhead(,) as the group sifted through the rubble."

I don't really think that comma is necessary, as it sort of disrupts the flow of the sentence.

-"chunk of mortar, easily twice as wide as any of them. Beneath his left sleeve, a flash of blinding sunlight bounced off of the clawed hand as it extended, gripped the mortar, and ripped it away. Ignoring the mortar flying past them"

You use the word "mortar" three times here within three sentences. On the third time I read it, I felt as though the word felt overused.

-"A ray of sunlight trickled down through the shaft, past the rubble, and finally rest[ed] on a sleeping infant."

"Resting" doesn't make sense. I think you're looking for "rested".

-"The third monk climbed down the shaft(,) and picked up the child."

"The child yawned, and sleepily opened its milky-blue eyes. "

The commas are not necessary.

*end specific comments*

Hm, interesting, although short. One thing I think you can do better on would be letting the reader know exactly how many characters are present, as "group" isn't very descriptive and the reader's guess of the number seems to fluctuate quite a bit in the beginning. Of course, if that's your intention, then you did a good job. If not... well...

Otherwise, it was pretty good. Hmm, let's read on...
6/17/2007 c2 3Ryan Whitehead
This is the first non-fan-fiction story I've got hooked on! Some nice humour there that does not interfere with the story... I like it! ^^
6/15/2007 c1 1ShyGhostie
Oh! Mystery! I'm intrigued which means you're going to have to write more! I love the monks! "Everything's in the bloody prophecy" is a classic line! It sounds like the monks could be a source of comic relief! I hope you keep the monks around, and I would love to see what the baby becomes and what this prophecy is! I especially love how you didn't divulge everything all at once. I love ambiguous openings with just enough plot in them to keep you hanging by a thread!

This sounds like it is going to be packed with actions, secrets, and all sorts of great stuff! I like the title! Please write more soon.
27 « Prev Page 1 2

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service