7/25/2007 c6 1ShyGhostie
Hello! Sorry it has taken me so long to review! I've actually been without internet for a while, and working 2 jobs. Not to mention sleeping in my spare time and slowly going crazy! Actually had to quit one of the jobs because 2 full time jobs is too much!
Well, onto the story now: the cutest part of this chapter was when Jakob (I love that name by the way) noticed that Cat had tangled herself in the seatbelt and wondered what she had done to do that. Everything is really getting to the climax. Indeed, the plot and relationships are thickening. Jakob is noticing that Cat is a woman, and not some little girl. I can tell you loved writing that scene. It's so smooth and beautiful.
The dialogue in this chapter was great, but sometimes it would be nice to get more of a description of what things are said, etc...this can be tricky, however, because doing it too often or too elaborately rips the reader from the story (at least I find that). Hmm... striking that balance between fluid dialogue, and blended description is near impossible. You're coming very close though! It's nice to see you develop as a writer through all of these chapters! You have a great talent!I'll be back to read more when I've got more time. It's off to bed with me!
Hello! Sorry it has taken me so long to review! I've actually been without internet for a while, and working 2 jobs. Not to mention sleeping in my spare time and slowly going crazy! Actually had to quit one of the jobs because 2 full time jobs is too much!
Well, onto the story now: the cutest part of this chapter was when Jakob (I love that name by the way) noticed that Cat had tangled herself in the seatbelt and wondered what she had done to do that. Everything is really getting to the climax. Indeed, the plot and relationships are thickening. Jakob is noticing that Cat is a woman, and not some little girl. I can tell you loved writing that scene. It's so smooth and beautiful.
The dialogue in this chapter was great, but sometimes it would be nice to get more of a description of what things are said, etc...this can be tricky, however, because doing it too often or too elaborately rips the reader from the story (at least I find that). Hmm... striking that balance between fluid dialogue, and blended description is near impossible. You're coming very close though! It's nice to see you develop as a writer through all of these chapters! You have a great talent!I'll be back to read more when I've got more time. It's off to bed with me!
7/24/2007 c9 Sophie Ulquiorra Allen
Hmm, I like the ending. Short but simple, and it leaves very little to the imagination. Of course, for your rewrites I would expect more elaboration in terms of description, and perhaps characterization, but overall I liked it. Actually, it reminds me very much of the end of 'Downfall'. You know, the whole defeat, but it still does seem to 'work out' in the end, mostly for the female protagonists. Just a few grammar and spelling mistakes (as well as some minor spacing issues) in this one, but nothing you can't fix. I wonder if there shall be a sequel...I look forward for the rewrite as well...keep writing! :)
Hmm, I like the ending. Short but simple, and it leaves very little to the imagination. Of course, for your rewrites I would expect more elaboration in terms of description, and perhaps characterization, but overall I liked it. Actually, it reminds me very much of the end of 'Downfall'. You know, the whole defeat, but it still does seem to 'work out' in the end, mostly for the female protagonists. Just a few grammar and spelling mistakes (as well as some minor spacing issues) in this one, but nothing you can't fix. I wonder if there shall be a sequel...I look forward for the rewrite as well...keep writing! :)
7/24/2007 c9 bipedalcooney
Congratulations on finishing the story! You obviously worked really hard on this, and it shows. I thought it was brilliant throughout and I really enjoyed it. But that was such a sudden ending! What happened to the underground city? And what happens with Cat and Jakob? Even if you didn't tell EVERYTHING that happens in the end, I think an added epilogue would be awesome, just to give the ending a little more stability.
Since you're going to work on it further (which you most definately should), I think it would be better if you filled in some space between the romance parts and the traveling with more in-depth action parts that involve more detailed events of Cat's and Jakob's origonal mission of the "pickles". Also, the whole thing with Alecz was great. Go deeper into that when you add stuff. Actually, if you just go deeper in all of the aspects of this story, it not only would be novel length, but the true complexity of the plot could be brought out. This story is so good already, but it still has so much more potential.
So definatley don't give up on this one. Your storyline here is great. If this was novel-length and published, and I saw it on a shelf at a bookstore, I would buy it. No lie.
Well again, congratulations on finishing it! You should be proud! :D
-Guardrail
Congratulations on finishing the story! You obviously worked really hard on this, and it shows. I thought it was brilliant throughout and I really enjoyed it. But that was such a sudden ending! What happened to the underground city? And what happens with Cat and Jakob? Even if you didn't tell EVERYTHING that happens in the end, I think an added epilogue would be awesome, just to give the ending a little more stability.
Since you're going to work on it further (which you most definately should), I think it would be better if you filled in some space between the romance parts and the traveling with more in-depth action parts that involve more detailed events of Cat's and Jakob's origonal mission of the "pickles". Also, the whole thing with Alecz was great. Go deeper into that when you add stuff. Actually, if you just go deeper in all of the aspects of this story, it not only would be novel length, but the true complexity of the plot could be brought out. This story is so good already, but it still has so much more potential.
So definatley don't give up on this one. Your storyline here is great. If this was novel-length and published, and I saw it on a shelf at a bookstore, I would buy it. No lie.
Well again, congratulations on finishing it! You should be proud! :D
-Guardrail
7/24/2007 c8 bipedalcooney
It's ending soon? That's so sad! I'm excited to find out what happens next though. And I'm glad Cat didn't sleep with Alecz. I think she's better with Jakob.
Good chapter!
It's ending soon? That's so sad! I'm excited to find out what happens next though. And I'm glad Cat didn't sleep with Alecz. I think she's better with Jakob.
Good chapter!
7/24/2007 c1 5GilanSalehi
Wow. All I can say is… wow. This story is a gem-I really admire the way you use hyperbole, juxtaposition, and anachronistic elements to create a level of social commentary that one doesn’t see very often, even in published media. Your criticism is scathing, and your use of complex literary elements reveals to the astute reader the sarcasm underlying your criticism.
Your brilliant criticism is very subtle-VERY subtle, and I must admit it took me a while to realize it. I first recognized that this story was so much more than it appeared on the surface when Cat’s mom returned from grocery shopping.
Clue 1: I feel like I need to quote that passage to do it justice, so here goes. “someone was knocking on the door ten minutes after she’d left…” you write. But after a brief conversation with Jakob, Cat’s mom returns. “‘Cat? Who is that?’ her mother asked from the back door…” At first I missed it, but then I thought-something doesn’t fit. Who can manage to go grocery shopping, buy a bunch of groceries, and return, all within ten minutes (twelve minutes max, if you count their brief conversation)? Then it hit me. This story is so much more than it seems on the surface. The anachronistic elements early on was a clue to look for more, to find the true, deep, meaning of this story. So I did.
Clue 2: The criticism from flawed characters. Great writers like Heinlein, Harper Lee, and Steinbeck have all used this device: praising something by using flawed characters to criticize it. It Harper Lee’s bestselling book, To Kill a Mockingbird, it was the overtly repugnant characters that supported racism, associating it with the ‘bad guys’ and evil characters. The racist characters criticized Atticus Finch, casting him in a good light (sort of like a double-negative), much like the way your brilliantly realized characters criticize the government of the future.
I noticed that Jakob’s name is spelled awkwardly. But, since you are such a gifted and quite frankly amazing writer, no simple spelling error or grammatical issue could have snuck under your radar. So I investigated further. Then I realized… The K is a flaw-at the very ‘center’ of the character, no less-that hints at his imperfection, and the fact that we should take everything he says with a grain of salt. I thought about it more and found a concrete basis for my theory. Cat’s flaw is obvious. She likes Angels and Airwaves (You could have made it a little more subtle. Perhaps if she liked Kiss or Marilyn Manson, it wouldn’t have been so obvious that she’s a flawed character). And, she can’t even think of a witty riposte when Jakob mentions he’s 45 (“I meant to make some smart remark back, but couldn’t think of anything.”). Clearly, she’s hardly the ideal female heroine, neither a paragon of tact, nor grace, nor intelligence. Much akin to a female Odd Job… but I digress. The point here is the subtle way you use her as a form of social commentary, following in the footprints of Harper Lee. If Odd Job wrote a speech about how evil James Bond was, we (the viewers of this hypothetical Bond flick) would know to think exactly the opposite-that Bond was indeed an admirable character.
Once you’ve established this framework, the scathing social criticism is quite plain, and I feel no need to elaborate here (just read the story, and it will be apparent). (see clue 4).
Clue 3: This one is subtle- oh so subtle. “I thought back to the old movies—the mafia, cattle drives, free enterprise, real patriotism, capitalism, and history. What had the world come to?” At first I passed this off as a simple list of things you saw in old movies. But then I knew that such a skilled writer would not pass up an opportunity to make a bit of social commentary. So I took a closer look. The way you subtly compare the mafia, real patriotism, and cattle drives is brilliant. Your social commentary is unparalleled on FP. I totally agree with your opinions-the parallels between so called ‘real’ patriots and the mafia is uncanny in today’s society, and then comparing all the real patriots to cows… Wow. What a subtle touch of brilliance. I almost missed it. That was good. I’m just struck speechless, so I’ll get on to the next clue that I noticed.
Clue 4: Your visions of an opulent and promising future are very inspiring, and give a message of hope to those who believe that no good can come from the current political quagmire. Your enthusiasm and optimism for the future are things that are found so rarely in FP and Sci-Fi stories in general, which normally feature despotic governments and loss of liberties; in a word, humorless dystopias. The world of the future you create is so full of life, despite the tragedies you mention in your first chapter, that it makes me feel that even if the world is subjected to nuclear holocaust, global meltdown, and never-ending genocide that there will always be an America where the leaders espouse genuine and heartfelt values that should serve as a model for all people.
Congratulations on that, I hope all the people who read your story read this review and understand what this story is REALLY about, and the core level, behind all the diversion and subtleties. Perhaps they should think twice before writing overtly sarcastic and flaming reviews as they get it all wrong. The critics have it all wrong, and your admirers don’t even realize the depth of what they are admiring. Kudos.
P.S. In your profile, it says that you like Nazi romances. Hitler and Braun? Come on. Perhaps you should clear that up, so that the careless reader doesn't think you'd like to see Adolf and Eva get it on.
Wow. All I can say is… wow. This story is a gem-I really admire the way you use hyperbole, juxtaposition, and anachronistic elements to create a level of social commentary that one doesn’t see very often, even in published media. Your criticism is scathing, and your use of complex literary elements reveals to the astute reader the sarcasm underlying your criticism.
Your brilliant criticism is very subtle-VERY subtle, and I must admit it took me a while to realize it. I first recognized that this story was so much more than it appeared on the surface when Cat’s mom returned from grocery shopping.
Clue 1: I feel like I need to quote that passage to do it justice, so here goes. “someone was knocking on the door ten minutes after she’d left…” you write. But after a brief conversation with Jakob, Cat’s mom returns. “‘Cat? Who is that?’ her mother asked from the back door…” At first I missed it, but then I thought-something doesn’t fit. Who can manage to go grocery shopping, buy a bunch of groceries, and return, all within ten minutes (twelve minutes max, if you count their brief conversation)? Then it hit me. This story is so much more than it seems on the surface. The anachronistic elements early on was a clue to look for more, to find the true, deep, meaning of this story. So I did.
Clue 2: The criticism from flawed characters. Great writers like Heinlein, Harper Lee, and Steinbeck have all used this device: praising something by using flawed characters to criticize it. It Harper Lee’s bestselling book, To Kill a Mockingbird, it was the overtly repugnant characters that supported racism, associating it with the ‘bad guys’ and evil characters. The racist characters criticized Atticus Finch, casting him in a good light (sort of like a double-negative), much like the way your brilliantly realized characters criticize the government of the future.
I noticed that Jakob’s name is spelled awkwardly. But, since you are such a gifted and quite frankly amazing writer, no simple spelling error or grammatical issue could have snuck under your radar. So I investigated further. Then I realized… The K is a flaw-at the very ‘center’ of the character, no less-that hints at his imperfection, and the fact that we should take everything he says with a grain of salt. I thought about it more and found a concrete basis for my theory. Cat’s flaw is obvious. She likes Angels and Airwaves (You could have made it a little more subtle. Perhaps if she liked Kiss or Marilyn Manson, it wouldn’t have been so obvious that she’s a flawed character). And, she can’t even think of a witty riposte when Jakob mentions he’s 45 (“I meant to make some smart remark back, but couldn’t think of anything.”). Clearly, she’s hardly the ideal female heroine, neither a paragon of tact, nor grace, nor intelligence. Much akin to a female Odd Job… but I digress. The point here is the subtle way you use her as a form of social commentary, following in the footprints of Harper Lee. If Odd Job wrote a speech about how evil James Bond was, we (the viewers of this hypothetical Bond flick) would know to think exactly the opposite-that Bond was indeed an admirable character.
Once you’ve established this framework, the scathing social criticism is quite plain, and I feel no need to elaborate here (just read the story, and it will be apparent). (see clue 4).
Clue 3: This one is subtle- oh so subtle. “I thought back to the old movies—the mafia, cattle drives, free enterprise, real patriotism, capitalism, and history. What had the world come to?” At first I passed this off as a simple list of things you saw in old movies. But then I knew that such a skilled writer would not pass up an opportunity to make a bit of social commentary. So I took a closer look. The way you subtly compare the mafia, real patriotism, and cattle drives is brilliant. Your social commentary is unparalleled on FP. I totally agree with your opinions-the parallels between so called ‘real’ patriots and the mafia is uncanny in today’s society, and then comparing all the real patriots to cows… Wow. What a subtle touch of brilliance. I almost missed it. That was good. I’m just struck speechless, so I’ll get on to the next clue that I noticed.
Clue 4: Your visions of an opulent and promising future are very inspiring, and give a message of hope to those who believe that no good can come from the current political quagmire. Your enthusiasm and optimism for the future are things that are found so rarely in FP and Sci-Fi stories in general, which normally feature despotic governments and loss of liberties; in a word, humorless dystopias. The world of the future you create is so full of life, despite the tragedies you mention in your first chapter, that it makes me feel that even if the world is subjected to nuclear holocaust, global meltdown, and never-ending genocide that there will always be an America where the leaders espouse genuine and heartfelt values that should serve as a model for all people.
Congratulations on that, I hope all the people who read your story read this review and understand what this story is REALLY about, and the core level, behind all the diversion and subtleties. Perhaps they should think twice before writing overtly sarcastic and flaming reviews as they get it all wrong. The critics have it all wrong, and your admirers don’t even realize the depth of what they are admiring. Kudos.
P.S. In your profile, it says that you like Nazi romances. Hitler and Braun? Come on. Perhaps you should clear that up, so that the careless reader doesn't think you'd like to see Adolf and Eva get it on.
7/23/2007 c8 Sophie Ulquiorra Allen
Hehehe, your little 'apology' was quite funny. But things must progress as the author wishes them to, so I'm not angry. XD Here are a few things I caught:
1. With the paragraph that begins 'by evening we made it into Germany', you have 'had changed' twice in there.
2. Spacing again at the 'Mr. Sampson' bit of dialogue.
3. Just more elaboration in general. More description of the scenery, perhaps you should have more stuff going on in each city. The chapter seemed awfully rushed to me.
That's all!
Hehehe, your little 'apology' was quite funny. But things must progress as the author wishes them to, so I'm not angry. XD Here are a few things I caught:
1. With the paragraph that begins 'by evening we made it into Germany', you have 'had changed' twice in there.
2. Spacing again at the 'Mr. Sampson' bit of dialogue.
3. Just more elaboration in general. More description of the scenery, perhaps you should have more stuff going on in each city. The chapter seemed awfully rushed to me.
That's all!
7/22/2007 c7 bipedalcooney
This chapter was SO good! Alecz is an interesting character, I wonder if he's really who he says he is. And is Jakob jealous? Update soon! Really soon!
Also, the dialogue looks a lot better, much easier to read.
:)
This chapter was SO good! Alecz is an interesting character, I wonder if he's really who he says he is. And is Jakob jealous? Update soon! Really soon!
Also, the dialogue looks a lot better, much easier to read.
:)
7/22/2007 c7 Sophie Ulquiorra Allen
Hmm, good character development. I like Aleczander for some reason; those dubious, perhaps two-faced, characters always seem more interesting to me. Here are a few things that I managed to catch:
1. The second paragraph, when Cat says 'crazy fashion obsessed person'. While I don't like the phrase particularly, you need a hyphen between 'fashion' and 'obsessed'. Better yet, perhaps think of something more witty for Cat to come up with.
2. Third paragraph. The last sentence doesn't really need to be there, as you covered the subject of Jakob showing emotion perfectly in the previous two sentences.
3. Again, and this is just through the whole of the chapter: SPACING! XD
4. Hmm, when Jakob asks Alecz if he is 'scared we'll seize power and, if or when we do, you'll be fed to the dogs and are redeeming yourself early' doesn't seem to work. I think that you need a thus after the second 'and' and before the 'are'. That makes it sound better, IMHO.
5. There's a small glitch in the kissing scene paragraph. You said 'like in those old romance books melt, either'. It really should be 'like in those old romance books, melt, either'.
6. Are you going to call him Alex or Alecz? I thought that perhaps his nickname might be spelled the same as his full name...just something to think on.
The kissing scene was kind of cute. I might consider myself a possible CatxAlecz shipper if this continues. Keep writing! ;)
Hmm, good character development. I like Aleczander for some reason; those dubious, perhaps two-faced, characters always seem more interesting to me. Here are a few things that I managed to catch:
1. The second paragraph, when Cat says 'crazy fashion obsessed person'. While I don't like the phrase particularly, you need a hyphen between 'fashion' and 'obsessed'. Better yet, perhaps think of something more witty for Cat to come up with.
2. Third paragraph. The last sentence doesn't really need to be there, as you covered the subject of Jakob showing emotion perfectly in the previous two sentences.
3. Again, and this is just through the whole of the chapter: SPACING! XD
4. Hmm, when Jakob asks Alecz if he is 'scared we'll seize power and, if or when we do, you'll be fed to the dogs and are redeeming yourself early' doesn't seem to work. I think that you need a thus after the second 'and' and before the 'are'. That makes it sound better, IMHO.
5. There's a small glitch in the kissing scene paragraph. You said 'like in those old romance books melt, either'. It really should be 'like in those old romance books, melt, either'.
6. Are you going to call him Alex or Alecz? I thought that perhaps his nickname might be spelled the same as his full name...just something to think on.
The kissing scene was kind of cute. I might consider myself a possible CatxAlecz shipper if this continues. Keep writing! ;)
7/21/2007 c6 bipedalcooney
Finally, an update! I loved it, as usual. I hope that lady doesn't tell the officer what's going on! And the ending was so cute! But the dialogue is still a little hard to read. Start a new paragraph whenever the speaker changes. When you don't, it implies that the person before was still speaking. Other than that, this chapter was great. Update soon!
Finally, an update! I loved it, as usual. I hope that lady doesn't tell the officer what's going on! And the ending was so cute! But the dialogue is still a little hard to read. Start a new paragraph whenever the speaker changes. When you don't, it implies that the person before was still speaking. Other than that, this chapter was great. Update soon!
7/20/2007 c6 Sophie Ulquiorra Allen
This chapter is a lot better than previous. I feel that you're more sure of yourself now. I like how you manage to deepen the relationships, as well as the plot in one fell swoop. The only real 'criticism' I have is that you still need to overlook your work for typos and spacing. Sometimes, I can't tell who is speaking, so you might want to make it clearer. Another thing that I would like to caution you about: the use of the word 'random'. It brings your stylistic level down alot, and perhaps it would be wise to avoid using it in future. Although it is Cat's dialogue and not direct exposition, it still doesn't seem like a word she would use that often. These are just nitpicks rather than real crit., but they still might be useful to look over. Keep writing! :)
~Idril
P.S. I've added you to my watch list as of now.
This chapter is a lot better than previous. I feel that you're more sure of yourself now. I like how you manage to deepen the relationships, as well as the plot in one fell swoop. The only real 'criticism' I have is that you still need to overlook your work for typos and spacing. Sometimes, I can't tell who is speaking, so you might want to make it clearer. Another thing that I would like to caution you about: the use of the word 'random'. It brings your stylistic level down alot, and perhaps it would be wise to avoid using it in future. Although it is Cat's dialogue and not direct exposition, it still doesn't seem like a word she would use that often. These are just nitpicks rather than real crit., but they still might be useful to look over. Keep writing! :)
~Idril
P.S. I've added you to my watch list as of now.
7/4/2007 c5 Sophie Ulquiorra Allen
This chapter was a tad dry, but it is understandable that you would have to use some filler material at some point. Here are the most notable things that I caught:
1. In the first paragraph, you don't need to add that the tar had 'a disgusting smell'. You make that perfectly clear when you said that the rain smell was spoiled by the tar smell.
2. The sentence fragment -Jakob had all the information, which just figured, doesn't seem to fit in stylistically. Another sentence that could use a bit of editing would be: 'he had that habit: dragging me around in a literal manner, and his warm, dry hand was becoming familiar, large grip encircling my wrist entirely'. I think it would be better if you wrote it as such: 'he had that habit of dragging me around in a literal manner; his warm, dry hand was becoming a familiar, large grip encircling my wrist entirely'.
Again, this is just stuff to think on. I liked your commentary on Johnny Cash and the Beatles; it was cute.
This chapter was a tad dry, but it is understandable that you would have to use some filler material at some point. Here are the most notable things that I caught:
1. In the first paragraph, you don't need to add that the tar had 'a disgusting smell'. You make that perfectly clear when you said that the rain smell was spoiled by the tar smell.
2. The sentence fragment -Jakob had all the information, which just figured, doesn't seem to fit in stylistically. Another sentence that could use a bit of editing would be: 'he had that habit: dragging me around in a literal manner, and his warm, dry hand was becoming familiar, large grip encircling my wrist entirely'. I think it would be better if you wrote it as such: 'he had that habit of dragging me around in a literal manner; his warm, dry hand was becoming a familiar, large grip encircling my wrist entirely'.
Again, this is just stuff to think on. I liked your commentary on Johnny Cash and the Beatles; it was cute.
7/3/2007 c4 Sophie Ulquiorra Allen
Here are a few other things that caught my attention, although, on the whole, that chapter was better than the last two:
1. The third paragraph. There is lovely description here, and the colour of the light does help to get the mood of the story. Still, I don't know if you should repeat 'moon' so many times. It gets redundant (especially the part: 'from the moon behind the smog...' you had mentioned the word moon just eleven words previous).
2. In the seventh paragraph you use the word thick in two sequential sentences. Maybe invest in a good thesaurus?
3. Ninth paragraph was cute, although the sentence 'which she laughed a little laugh at', is redundant.
4. Some of your similies and other literary devices are beautiful, while others are not as good. One such example would be: 'like a U-boat beneath the waves'. I know that you wanted to conjure up the notion (which you have already stated) that people have not forgotten history, but it does disrupt the flow of the story.
5. Hm, I wouldn't state that Jakob only wanted Cat in a platonic way, and that he did not want her in a paedophilic way. If you leave it out, your readers will find it much more interesting if their 'romance' progresses. Another thing is the dream sequence. Just italicize it, don't put down the word 'dreaming'. It should be natural to the flow of the story, but dream scenes work so little in fiction that it's best to leave them out.
The end is good, there is just the right amount of tension. Hope to see more, and, as always, you can PM me if you have any questions or can offer any insights.
Here are a few other things that caught my attention, although, on the whole, that chapter was better than the last two:
1. The third paragraph. There is lovely description here, and the colour of the light does help to get the mood of the story. Still, I don't know if you should repeat 'moon' so many times. It gets redundant (especially the part: 'from the moon behind the smog...' you had mentioned the word moon just eleven words previous).
2. In the seventh paragraph you use the word thick in two sequential sentences. Maybe invest in a good thesaurus?
3. Ninth paragraph was cute, although the sentence 'which she laughed a little laugh at', is redundant.
4. Some of your similies and other literary devices are beautiful, while others are not as good. One such example would be: 'like a U-boat beneath the waves'. I know that you wanted to conjure up the notion (which you have already stated) that people have not forgotten history, but it does disrupt the flow of the story.
5. Hm, I wouldn't state that Jakob only wanted Cat in a platonic way, and that he did not want her in a paedophilic way. If you leave it out, your readers will find it much more interesting if their 'romance' progresses. Another thing is the dream sequence. Just italicize it, don't put down the word 'dreaming'. It should be natural to the flow of the story, but dream scenes work so little in fiction that it's best to leave them out.
The end is good, there is just the right amount of tension. Hope to see more, and, as always, you can PM me if you have any questions or can offer any insights.
7/2/2007 c3 Sophie Ulquiorra Allen
Promising chapter again, but I think that your 'hot off the press' (as it seems to me) work isn't your best. Perhaps let it sit in your folder for awhile, maybe two or three days, then go back and edit it one final time before posting it. Here are a couple of things that I caught:
1. The fifth paragraph. It's tremendously awkward, and does little to convey emotion. While I understand that Cat is trying to elaborate on the man's past, it doesn't work like you intended to. Shouldn't the man in possession of these objects be the one to give a bit of a backstory involving them? I would like it better if this exposition was relayed through dialogue instead of Cat's narration.
2. The ninth paragraph could be tidier. It seems to me that the phrase: 'Hauser, Jakob, written beneath' should be put in brackets as it is not essential to the description, and makes the sentence flow better.
3. The string of insults (shrimp and old about halfway through) needs proper spacing. Another problem that I encountered is that you have 1940s written as such: 194os. Unless, of course, 194os is a brand of clothing that has emerged in the new age, than you should fix it.
4. The last paragraph needs to be spaced, and perhaps some more elaboration would be nice (unless you address the issue later on in the story).
Again, you may always PM me if you have any questions. I am happy to answer any questions.
Promising chapter again, but I think that your 'hot off the press' (as it seems to me) work isn't your best. Perhaps let it sit in your folder for awhile, maybe two or three days, then go back and edit it one final time before posting it. Here are a couple of things that I caught:
1. The fifth paragraph. It's tremendously awkward, and does little to convey emotion. While I understand that Cat is trying to elaborate on the man's past, it doesn't work like you intended to. Shouldn't the man in possession of these objects be the one to give a bit of a backstory involving them? I would like it better if this exposition was relayed through dialogue instead of Cat's narration.
2. The ninth paragraph could be tidier. It seems to me that the phrase: 'Hauser, Jakob, written beneath' should be put in brackets as it is not essential to the description, and makes the sentence flow better.
3. The string of insults (shrimp and old about halfway through) needs proper spacing. Another problem that I encountered is that you have 1940s written as such: 194os. Unless, of course, 194os is a brand of clothing that has emerged in the new age, than you should fix it.
4. The last paragraph needs to be spaced, and perhaps some more elaboration would be nice (unless you address the issue later on in the story).
Again, you may always PM me if you have any questions. I am happy to answer any questions.
6/29/2007 c5 4Ember Swish
A nice addition to the story, it was short, but not too short. I liked the references to the Beatles (yes, i like them!) The only thing was when you said “I don’t care. It good get infected.”, don't you mean it could get infected, not good get infected? Thats all, can't wait for more.
A nice addition to the story, it was short, but not too short. I liked the references to the Beatles (yes, i like them!) The only thing was when you said “I don’t care. It good get infected.”, don't you mean it could get infected, not good get infected? Thats all, can't wait for more.
6/29/2007 c5 1ShyGhostie
Whew! Thanks for posting. I've had a rough week! Way too much work. I haven't had time for anything.
This had some nice character development. I like how you were able to get out some likes, dislikes, and other such information subtly without writing out profiles, or making the character development blatant. It is always important to have breaks from the plot/action just to lull the reader into a nice calm state before rattling them with some crazy discovery.
I loved the descriptions as well - especially the Johnny Cash and the modern ghost town! Nice job! I can't find anything to really critique in this chapter. Your style is getting stronger, perhaps because you are more comfortable with the characters and the story. Keep it up!
Whew! Thanks for posting. I've had a rough week! Way too much work. I haven't had time for anything.
This had some nice character development. I like how you were able to get out some likes, dislikes, and other such information subtly without writing out profiles, or making the character development blatant. It is always important to have breaks from the plot/action just to lull the reader into a nice calm state before rattling them with some crazy discovery.
I loved the descriptions as well - especially the Johnny Cash and the modern ghost town! Nice job! I can't find anything to really critique in this chapter. Your style is getting stronger, perhaps because you are more comfortable with the characters and the story. Keep it up!