for Those Who Don't Learn Are Doomed to Repeat6/29/2007 c1 Voyevoda
Using science fiction to express political views is one thing. the partisan and racist dribble you've written is another. Communists, Athiests Democrates. my god man a little subtlty. but i guess i find you horibble prose most offensive.
Using science fiction to express political views is one thing. the partisan and racist dribble you've written is another. Communists, Athiests Democrates. my god man a little subtlty. but i guess i find you horibble prose most offensive.
6/27/2007 c1 
48Michael Panush
Goddamn. I only read the first part of the first chapter and I seriously can't go on without writing a scathing review. First of all, your Dystopia is completely and utterly ridiculous. Liberals create a Nazi-type society? Um, excuse me? Let's look at Conservative and Liberal values. Liberals enjoy laxening restrictions of free speech. Conservatives enjoy putting up child-blockers and outlawing pornogray, as well as anything that may question the bible. Hell, Jesus was a liberal, talking about making everyone equal and spreading liberty. Second of all, why does the mom's taste in music suck? Have only crappy emo bans survived the liberal's evil plight? And communists being bad. Well, commies have done some bad things, like Stalin and Mao's purges, but you're definetly not giving the philosophy a fair shake. First of all, Soviet Russia was NOT communisty. After Lenin and Trotsky crushed the Korstadt Rebellion of soviet sailors who wanted real freedom, opened up the New Ecenomic Policy that allowed trade with the capitalists, and the Cheka's purges, all hope of Marx's dreams were gone. By the time Stalin was actively making treaties and deals wiht Hitler, the USSR was communist in name only. The same with China, Loas, and other such countries. And Capitalism isn't exactly a smashing sucess either. Any system that recquires a large amount of its citizens to be poor and miserable is not a good system. Atheists. Well, what bad things have ahteists done? You can't include communists into atheism, because they worshipped their leaders. What was the deal with preserving Lenin if not for a temple, and there were shrines to Stalin in every good soviet house. Now, let's look at what bad things religon has done. The crusades. The Inqusition. The Holocaust. Christian Fundamentalists. 9/11. Countless pogroms, lynchings, murders and worse. Wow, atheism is just awful compared to the saintly record of religon! (SaRCASM!) And your set-up...what the hell? Jews try to eliminate Christianity and Islam? Well, considering some of Israel, and Judaism's biggest allies are Christians, that makes less than zero sense. And the thing actually suceeds? What were the Jews using? Mind control waves that made suicide bombers and abortion-clinic protestors suddenly walk into a bookstore and start reading Richard Dawkins. And why Jews? As a Jew, I am greatly insulted that this whole Protocols of the Elders of Zion crap is being used once again. I mean, your writing style is decent and actually pretty good, but the story is just utter bigoted crap and I say that in the most sincere way. I hope you take a good look at your values, and then maybe do some story that resembles reality a little.
48Michael PanushGoddamn. I only read the first part of the first chapter and I seriously can't go on without writing a scathing review. First of all, your Dystopia is completely and utterly ridiculous. Liberals create a Nazi-type society? Um, excuse me? Let's look at Conservative and Liberal values. Liberals enjoy laxening restrictions of free speech. Conservatives enjoy putting up child-blockers and outlawing pornogray, as well as anything that may question the bible. Hell, Jesus was a liberal, talking about making everyone equal and spreading liberty. Second of all, why does the mom's taste in music suck? Have only crappy emo bans survived the liberal's evil plight? And communists being bad. Well, commies have done some bad things, like Stalin and Mao's purges, but you're definetly not giving the philosophy a fair shake. First of all, Soviet Russia was NOT communisty. After Lenin and Trotsky crushed the Korstadt Rebellion of soviet sailors who wanted real freedom, opened up the New Ecenomic Policy that allowed trade with the capitalists, and the Cheka's purges, all hope of Marx's dreams were gone. By the time Stalin was actively making treaties and deals wiht Hitler, the USSR was communist in name only. The same with China, Loas, and other such countries. And Capitalism isn't exactly a smashing sucess either. Any system that recquires a large amount of its citizens to be poor and miserable is not a good system. Atheists. Well, what bad things have ahteists done? You can't include communists into atheism, because they worshipped their leaders. What was the deal with preserving Lenin if not for a temple, and there were shrines to Stalin in every good soviet house. Now, let's look at what bad things religon has done. The crusades. The Inqusition. The Holocaust. Christian Fundamentalists. 9/11. Countless pogroms, lynchings, murders and worse. Wow, atheism is just awful compared to the saintly record of religon! (SaRCASM!) And your set-up...what the hell? Jews try to eliminate Christianity and Islam? Well, considering some of Israel, and Judaism's biggest allies are Christians, that makes less than zero sense. And the thing actually suceeds? What were the Jews using? Mind control waves that made suicide bombers and abortion-clinic protestors suddenly walk into a bookstore and start reading Richard Dawkins. And why Jews? As a Jew, I am greatly insulted that this whole Protocols of the Elders of Zion crap is being used once again. I mean, your writing style is decent and actually pretty good, but the story is just utter bigoted crap and I say that in the most sincere way. I hope you take a good look at your values, and then maybe do some story that resembles reality a little.
6/27/2007 c5 bipedalcooney
I think it's good that you these drama/romance parts because it really helps the reader get to know the characters and their relationships better. I really liked this chapter, although I felt as though the writing was rushed at the end. Still very good though.
And I put chapter two of Mongrel up the other day if you want to read it.
Well update soon!
I think it's good that you these drama/romance parts because it really helps the reader get to know the characters and their relationships better. I really liked this chapter, although I felt as though the writing was rushed at the end. Still very good though.
And I put chapter two of Mongrel up the other day if you want to read it.
Well update soon!
6/26/2007 c2 Sophie Ulquiorra Allen
Another good chapter, although there are several things that remain to be fixed:
1. I don't know if you should use the word 'more' in 'her shoulders looked more like the crest of a bird's wing without the feathers'. Lovely simile, to be sure, but the 'more' is used primarily with comparisons than just stating a simple fact. If you added 'than shoulders' onto the end of the sentence you would be fine, but it gets redundant.
2. Dialogue spacing. Please, just watch that when you edit.
3. When you begin the paragraph 'killed her Jakob', I am unsure about where the dialogue ends and Jakob's own thoughts begin (I'm assuming here that his thoughts begin with 'and isn't it odd', but I could be entirely incorrect on that) Just see where you should put quotation marks.
4. And, as usual for all fiction writers, beware the dreaded typos and spelling mistakes!
Other than that, it's a very interesting story. Jakob is a very good narrator, and I like that you switch PoV's around. Makes for a better read, IMHO. If you wondered why I haven't put you on author alert yet, I just want to get caught up with reviewing before I get muddled with the different chapters. It can be confusing, especially if one receives many messages at once and is up at 1 in the morning. Feel free to PM me on anything, and keep writing! XD
Another good chapter, although there are several things that remain to be fixed:
1. I don't know if you should use the word 'more' in 'her shoulders looked more like the crest of a bird's wing without the feathers'. Lovely simile, to be sure, but the 'more' is used primarily with comparisons than just stating a simple fact. If you added 'than shoulders' onto the end of the sentence you would be fine, but it gets redundant.
2. Dialogue spacing. Please, just watch that when you edit.
3. When you begin the paragraph 'killed her Jakob', I am unsure about where the dialogue ends and Jakob's own thoughts begin (I'm assuming here that his thoughts begin with 'and isn't it odd', but I could be entirely incorrect on that) Just see where you should put quotation marks.
4. And, as usual for all fiction writers, beware the dreaded typos and spelling mistakes!
Other than that, it's a very interesting story. Jakob is a very good narrator, and I like that you switch PoV's around. Makes for a better read, IMHO. If you wondered why I haven't put you on author alert yet, I just want to get caught up with reviewing before I get muddled with the different chapters. It can be confusing, especially if one receives many messages at once and is up at 1 in the morning. Feel free to PM me on anything, and keep writing! XD
6/26/2007 c1 2cherry-rose
Long chapter but fascinating. I'll have to read more later, it's after midnight.
I like the way you are developing your characters. The first person pov fits the story well. It's kind of scary, but the world you describe...could be the world we'll be living in a few decades.
2cherry-roseLong chapter but fascinating. I'll have to read more later, it's after midnight.
I like the way you are developing your characters. The first person pov fits the story well. It's kind of scary, but the world you describe...could be the world we'll be living in a few decades.
6/25/2007 c4 4Ember Swish
Yeah more! Really good...the was a couple of capitalization errors, but that was all. I can't wait to hear more!
4Ember SwishYeah more! Really good...the was a couple of capitalization errors, but that was all. I can't wait to hear more!
6/25/2007 c4 1ShyGhostie
Very cute! Action packed and cute is hard to pull off! Sometimes Jakob and Cat became a little too adorable. I like not knowing a romance is gonna happen. Sometimes it is predictable, but usually love isn't spontaneous. I love how natural the conversations are. When Jakob did the whole fake-make-out thing, I thought "Oh. That's kinda cliche." But then I re-thought it and realized "What do most people do in that situation?" And it truly is more natural for us to enact something we've seen in the movies because we know it: it's easily immitatable, and it works.
Your writing style is very smooth. At some points it became awkward - which interrupted the flow, but nothing a good read-over/edit can't fix. Write more!
1ShyGhostieVery cute! Action packed and cute is hard to pull off! Sometimes Jakob and Cat became a little too adorable. I like not knowing a romance is gonna happen. Sometimes it is predictable, but usually love isn't spontaneous. I love how natural the conversations are. When Jakob did the whole fake-make-out thing, I thought "Oh. That's kinda cliche." But then I re-thought it and realized "What do most people do in that situation?" And it truly is more natural for us to enact something we've seen in the movies because we know it: it's easily immitatable, and it works.
Your writing style is very smooth. At some points it became awkward - which interrupted the flow, but nothing a good read-over/edit can't fix. Write more!
6/24/2007 c4 bipedalcooney
I loved this chapter! The train bombing was really well written and exciting. And I like Cat and Jakob together; it's awfully cute and definately fits better than my father figure idea. Awesome chapter, update soon!
I loved this chapter! The train bombing was really well written and exciting. And I like Cat and Jakob together; it's awfully cute and definately fits better than my father figure idea. Awesome chapter, update soon!
6/22/2007 c3 ShyGhostie
Dramatic ending! It made me want to read on - but there was nothing there to read!
Just a pointer: I know this is a very moralistic story, however sometimes Cat, Jakob and the other characters say things that seem out of character and a little cheesy. Ex. "No, only a few days. Oh, only a few days. It seemed like longer." It's not normally something that people would say. I know I do that a lot in my stories too! It's hard also, to refrain from having characters explain things unnecessarily! I find I get stuck in that trap, however you're very good at keeping complex explanations within the story and away from dialogue!
I love how you describe things so vividly I can see them in my head. I also enjoyed the reference to Joseph Mengele's death. Creepy! I really like the creepy associations! Hmm...Cat seemed awfully blush-y there with Jakob! ;) Keep it up!
Dramatic ending! It made me want to read on - but there was nothing there to read!
Just a pointer: I know this is a very moralistic story, however sometimes Cat, Jakob and the other characters say things that seem out of character and a little cheesy. Ex. "No, only a few days. Oh, only a few days. It seemed like longer." It's not normally something that people would say. I know I do that a lot in my stories too! It's hard also, to refrain from having characters explain things unnecessarily! I find I get stuck in that trap, however you're very good at keeping complex explanations within the story and away from dialogue!
I love how you describe things so vividly I can see them in my head. I also enjoyed the reference to Joseph Mengele's death. Creepy! I really like the creepy associations! Hmm...Cat seemed awfully blush-y there with Jakob! ;) Keep it up!
6/22/2007 c3 bipedalcooney
Wow, you waste no time in updating haha. Great chapter! I feel like I know the characters much better and the story flows smoother for it. And I thought it was funny how people kept mistaking Jakob for Cat's father or husband. Nicely written. Keep it up, I can't wait for the next bit!
Wow, you waste no time in updating haha. Great chapter! I feel like I know the characters much better and the story flows smoother for it. And I thought it was funny how people kept mistaking Jakob for Cat's father or husband. Nicely written. Keep it up, I can't wait for the next bit!
6/22/2007 c1 Sophie Ulquiorra Allen
Another promising start. Your main idea of obliterating history, music, religion and the rest is quite spooky, and really makes for some interesting writing. Here are a few pointers:
1. Once again, your opening is awkward. Personally, I would take out the first two paragraphs (the ones beginning 'the world changed...' and 'communists, liberals...') because the story has so much more of an impact if you begin it with the third paragraph. I read the first chapter both with the first two paragraphs and excluding them. It sounded much better with the third paragraph as an opener. It's more intriguing that way. Besides, your fourth and fifth paragraphs do a good job of explaining what you already explained in the second paragraph.
2. Hm, the part where Cat asks 'what had happened to freedom? etc.' seems quite out of place. Better leave those comments out and save them for the more philosophical moments in your work. Also, for the last paragraph, I would leave it at 'They killed her, Cat' because it is much more cliff-hangerish. Of course, it works fine like you have it, but I just like the sound of it better if it's more cliff-hangy.
I'll let you sit on that for awhile. I look forward to reading more!
~Idril
Another promising start. Your main idea of obliterating history, music, religion and the rest is quite spooky, and really makes for some interesting writing. Here are a few pointers:
1. Once again, your opening is awkward. Personally, I would take out the first two paragraphs (the ones beginning 'the world changed...' and 'communists, liberals...') because the story has so much more of an impact if you begin it with the third paragraph. I read the first chapter both with the first two paragraphs and excluding them. It sounded much better with the third paragraph as an opener. It's more intriguing that way. Besides, your fourth and fifth paragraphs do a good job of explaining what you already explained in the second paragraph.
2. Hm, the part where Cat asks 'what had happened to freedom? etc.' seems quite out of place. Better leave those comments out and save them for the more philosophical moments in your work. Also, for the last paragraph, I would leave it at 'They killed her, Cat' because it is much more cliff-hangerish. Of course, it works fine like you have it, but I just like the sound of it better if it's more cliff-hangy.
I'll let you sit on that for awhile. I look forward to reading more!
~Idril
6/22/2007 c3 4Ember Swish
*adds author to favorites list*
Wow...its really good, and believable...great job.
4Ember Swish*adds author to favorites list*
Wow...its really good, and believable...great job.
6/21/2007 c2 bipedalcooney
Another great chapter! I agree with the reviewer before me; the way you work history into your writing is awesome. I also like how you switched the point of view. It's interesting seeing the events from another's eyes. Nicely written, I can't wait for the next chapter!
Another great chapter! I agree with the reviewer before me; the way you work history into your writing is awesome. I also like how you switched the point of view. It's interesting seeing the events from another's eyes. Nicely written, I can't wait for the next chapter!
6/20/2007 c2 1ShyGhostie
Both of the characters have distinctive personalities! I think mentioning who is saying what at the beginning of each chapter is unnecessary.
Also, I LOVE how you incorporate history into your text, and not just as an item they find, but as a feeling (how a comparrison was made to the bunkers and Birkenau. Some of the camps only had a total of 2 survivors, by the way...I think Treblinka, but I could be wrong!)
1ShyGhostieBoth of the characters have distinctive personalities! I think mentioning who is saying what at the beginning of each chapter is unnecessary.
Also, I LOVE how you incorporate history into your text, and not just as an item they find, but as a feeling (how a comparrison was made to the bunkers and Birkenau. Some of the camps only had a total of 2 survivors, by the way...I think Treblinka, but I could be wrong!)
6/18/2007 c1 bipedalcooney
Writing as good as this deserves a detailed review: I'll start by saying that this story is AMAZING. I love it! The whole idea is great and so well presented with its details. I was hooked from the first paragraph. The world you've created here is so crazy and different, but seems so possible. You need to get another chapter up soon, because this is just SO good.
But as good as this is, there are a few things that could be a bit better, mainly dialogue and characterization. First of all, I found that you often would change who was speaking within the same paragraph. It was confusing sometimes, so if two characters are having a convorsation, it's probably best to start a new paragraph when the speaker changes so that the reader can tell who is doing what at a glance. My second criticism is the characterizaton of the narrator. Even though she is telling the story through her eyes, I don't feel like I really know who she is. Some more in-depth personal detail about her or even a better physical description would make that a lot better.
Well that's about it. I absolutely LOVE this story, so update soon! I can't wait to see what happens next!
Writing as good as this deserves a detailed review: I'll start by saying that this story is AMAZING. I love it! The whole idea is great and so well presented with its details. I was hooked from the first paragraph. The world you've created here is so crazy and different, but seems so possible. You need to get another chapter up soon, because this is just SO good.
But as good as this is, there are a few things that could be a bit better, mainly dialogue and characterization. First of all, I found that you often would change who was speaking within the same paragraph. It was confusing sometimes, so if two characters are having a convorsation, it's probably best to start a new paragraph when the speaker changes so that the reader can tell who is doing what at a glance. My second criticism is the characterizaton of the narrator. Even though she is telling the story through her eyes, I don't feel like I really know who she is. Some more in-depth personal detail about her or even a better physical description would make that a lot better.
Well that's about it. I absolutely LOVE this story, so update soon! I can't wait to see what happens next!