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for Shadow beauty :::new title:::

8/1/2007 c5 12Andwin
wow this is nice definatly alot more detail and I think that I have got a grasp on the whole shadow v.elf thing now. good job
7/31/2007 c1 38Around.the.Rainbow
very nice I like it so far. I can't wait to read more of it.
7/27/2007 c1 12Andwin
ok I have to say that I do like this stroy and I see it having great potential, but it moves VERY fast almost too fast for anyone to really get a grip on something that is happening before youmove one. I think that you need a litte more back story on what is going on like maybe explain alittle of the fight between the shadows and the elfs and what is happening there. over all it is good just moves too fast with very little informataion
7/18/2007 c1 5Heron-Marked Sword
Ok. While I agree with Salty Eyes that this story was REALLY fast paced, with limited descriptions and a rather hard-to-follow plot, it was interesting. Yes, blue hair is weird, but it definitely caught my eye. I think your strong points were the sections where you described the emotions of the characters, especially from Xi's point of view, since Zaynon's were usually too confusing and quick. Chapter three was muddy; I didn't know what was going on, but that very well could have been your intention. I liked the ending, because, while it was also confusing and fast-paced, it wasn't quite as cliche as it could have been. Typos throughout, but do keep writing.
7/3/2007 c4 59The Jynx of Kari
Err... yeah... Short, short story. Would almost make a goof fairy tale... 'cept for the abruptness in all. The transitions weren't all too good. I was confused a several number of times but... you made that up in your descriptions of the characters and surroundings. Plus there were the couple of typos in Chapter three. This does need a bit of edit, but only in the places with the transitions because it was hard to understand.


[[still like it btw]]
6/18/2007 c2 24Scorpius Malfoy
Okay, links don't show up on here.

Just Google 'Original Fiction Mary-Sue Litmus', and it should come up. Use the new script version so you can't cheat. :)
6/18/2007 c1 Scorpius Malfoy
Ugh, Zaynon comes off as being such a Mary-Sue. Electric blue hair? Has hair dye been invented in your world, is this inspired by some sort of sword-and-sorcery anime, or is it blue just "cause it's fantasy and I can do whatever the hell I want"?

Amazing singing voice? Bleh. Anyway, here's a link to Mary-Sue litmus:

Overall, this sounds like sub-par amateur fantasy. It doesn't add anything new to the genre, and there are absolutely no emotions. For a reader to 'fall into' a story, there needs to be something pulling at their hearts.

Also, your pacing is quite fast, and your descriptions are quite forced. Slow it down a tad.

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