Just In
for Sullivan's Stars

7/11/2007 c1 16RuathaWehrling
Hi! I'm looking for a good story and yours looks interesting so I think I'll give it a try. I'll comment as I read:

1.) "such a beauty was she, Aphrodite was put to shame" - While I, as an adult, can appreciate this analogy, I doubt many kids could. :( Might want to rephrase it into something they'd understand.

2.) "went over rivers so wide that the sky was too short to cover" - I don't understand this, and I doubt little kids would either.

3.) "But not even the little boy in Timbuktu who played kazoo, knew." - Haha! I really like the sing-songy-ness of this section. I can very much hear this story being told by a parent or grandparent. :) Oh - from a technical perspective, if you're going to have one comma in there, then you need two (the other should be before "who").

4.) "they wore holes in the bottoms of their feet so they had to buy new ones" - Haha! Very cute touch.

5.) "everyone knows that when there’s no troubles come, there’s some to found." - Typo: "to be found".

6.) "tintinnabulation" - I love this word. :) And you even spelled it right (I admit, I had to check that!).

7.) "His hands like a vice and his will like an iron rod" - You're missing a verb here.

8.) "Down, down, down fell Shamus. He saw the sky’s beauty, heard His song, tasted the clouds, and kissed the ground with his rump." - If you're going to use this phrase twice, you really ought to use it all three times he falls. Parallelism, you know.

9.) "Thanks but no thanks Mr. Wizard Sir" - Comma before "Mr."

Aw... What a cute story! I really enjoyed this one - a real pleasure to read. And as I said earlier, I can just HEAR a kid's grampa telling it to them. I think a lot of that had to do with the casual, silly tone you used. That really added a lot.

Very well done! This one goes on my favorites list! Thanks for the read!

6/27/2007 c1 2Dory303
Thank you for a great story!

I really enjoyed reading this one. :)

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service