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8/21/2012 c1 8Mad Vampire Poet
This is amazing and I feel like I should say so much more but I can't. I am so terrible at reviews... I love how poetic it is and how you show the characters twisted thoughts, how she wants more than anything to be thin...
6/28/2007 c1 1AluminumMuse
Wow, I really like this. I mean, I love it. I hate leaving worthless reviews, but you are a far better writer than I am, so I really have nothing much to say. The only thing I noticed was that You switch back and forth from past to present tense. This may be intentional, but it is still confusing for the reader, and disturbs the flow of the writing.

Her world grew fainter day by day. The colors merged together like a painting in the rain. They mixed, fading with each stroke. Until everything went black and she had no weight. A number small enough to fly.

-

I think that the last line of this, though good, doesn't quite make sense in this sentence. You could probably knit it on very neatly with an extra sentence about watered down paint or dripping colors or something. Paint doesn't fade to black, and white, with it's denotation of chalky skin, skim milk and all sorts of anorexia-tastic things (tasteless humor, I know) seems more fitting anyways.

Keep on writing!

Feather La
6/28/2007 c1 16RuathaWehrling
Greetings!

Is this meant to be a poem (if so, put it under the poetry category, please), or a very short story? The reason I ask is that the way you write it, with very short lines and no dialogue or action suggests a poem, but the scene itself doesn't. In fact, my first assumption was that this was a prologue to a longer story.

But in any case, it's an interesting and difficult subject that you've chosen. I really like the final line: I think it sets exactly the mood you want. Well done!

The one criticism I have relates to verb tense. Most of the poem is written in past tense (swung, had grown, etc). But this one line stands out: "Someday she will be light enough to fly. She knows she will." Yes, it's future tense, but it's the type of future tense that's told from the present. To make it future tense told from the past (which would fit the verb tense you use throughout the rest of the piece), you should use "would" instead of "will".

I would be interested in seeing this story filled out more. Give me more details, tell me about her past and her future. It might make an interesting story!

Thanks,

-Ruatha
6/28/2007 c1 173Exodus.Escence Of Sin
aw, this is a good poem . i don't approve of the subject but mine aren't that good or happy either. very good job, you know that some of the best poetry in the world doesn't rhyme? and your's is great^^

~evanescence123~
6/28/2007 c1 65Stella Grimshaw
It's so sad what some girls go through to find happiness. Great work, I loved this.

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