for Ripples1/7/2010 c2 
1miss.venerable
I know that you've chosen to have modern references integrated into your story, but personally I feel that it can really disrupt the flow as you're reading. Which sucks because you're a talented writer and I think your characters are probably quite fully fledged. I admit, I did enjoy reading this, though at times the seconds chapter dragged a bit, with some overhauls of infodump about the character's background/history etc. and very little going on. Anyway, that's my personal opinion. I hope that came out as constructive and not insulting, as I truly abhor flames. And yes, you should continue!
:)
1miss.venerableI know that you've chosen to have modern references integrated into your story, but personally I feel that it can really disrupt the flow as you're reading. Which sucks because you're a talented writer and I think your characters are probably quite fully fledged. I admit, I did enjoy reading this, though at times the seconds chapter dragged a bit, with some overhauls of infodump about the character's background/history etc. and very little going on. Anyway, that's my personal opinion. I hope that came out as constructive and not insulting, as I truly abhor flames. And yes, you should continue!
:)
9/11/2009 c1 offline sloth
Please continue! I think it's awesome, cute, funny, and intriguing! I like your writing style, characters, and the ambiguity of the time period. I didn't get chapter 1 much, but I still like! :)
Please continue! I think it's awesome, cute, funny, and intriguing! I like your writing style, characters, and the ambiguity of the time period. I didn't get chapter 1 much, but I still like! :)
6/18/2009 c2 7FictionismyGame
This is pretty good. I mean seriously. It could be omnipresent if you would like (you know all the characters thoughts and feelings too) but it's good like this too. Please keep writing and I'll read it!
7FictionismyGameThis is pretty good. I mean seriously. It could be omnipresent if you would like (you know all the characters thoughts and feelings too) but it's good like this too. Please keep writing and I'll read it!
10/5/2007 c2 Tuiki
Well honestly everyone stole my words...bah...
But yes, continue. I'm interested in this. I couldn't stop laughing...^^ (Ah priceless me..)
So continue to make it bluntly...^^;
Puh-leese...
Well honestly everyone stole my words...bah...
But yes, continue. I'm interested in this. I couldn't stop laughing...^^ (Ah priceless me..)
So continue to make it bluntly...^^;
Puh-leese...
9/3/2007 c1 4JellyBeaner
Hey! So I decided since you've been so wonderful about reviewing me that I should review you and that's exactly what I'm doing...it took me long enough, I know, but still.
first off, great opening line. There are plenty of anachronisms in here(Richard Simmons, THe Weakest Link) but it works. 2nd: You are really funny.(see above) 3rd: I liked how it's simple and easy to get though, no huge long paragraphs droning on about something or whatever. I'm going to keep reading...
4JellyBeanerHey! So I decided since you've been so wonderful about reviewing me that I should review you and that's exactly what I'm doing...it took me long enough, I know, but still.
first off, great opening line. There are plenty of anachronisms in here(Richard Simmons, THe Weakest Link) but it works. 2nd: You are really funny.(see above) 3rd: I liked how it's simple and easy to get though, no huge long paragraphs droning on about something or whatever. I'm going to keep reading...
8/9/2007 c2 4DevonnyAuriel
I've spent the last couple days reading most of your stories, and then I noticed you had another name and I absolutely love them too. I like this idea, as well, David's so bumbling that it's endearing. I'm excited for the next update!
4DevonnyAurielI've spent the last couple days reading most of your stories, and then I noticed you had another name and I absolutely love them too. I like this idea, as well, David's so bumbling that it's endearing. I'm excited for the next update!
7/17/2007 c2 19ihrtbks
I really like the medieval but with modern references, but to keep it somewhat in character, just keep the language somewhat medieval (curse it/blast it) and don't talk about modern technology so much. If they use swords now, don't make them use printing presses as well. But otherwise, immensely amusing.
UPDATE SOON!
19ihrtbksI really like the medieval but with modern references, but to keep it somewhat in character, just keep the language somewhat medieval (curse it/blast it) and don't talk about modern technology so much. If they use swords now, don't make them use printing presses as well. But otherwise, immensely amusing.
UPDATE SOON!
7/17/2007 c2 3Sinor
Sorry for not reviewing for a long time. Busy, busy, busy. Good chapter, and thanks for clearing that other thing up. Keep it up, it looks good!
3SinorSorry for not reviewing for a long time. Busy, busy, busy. Good chapter, and thanks for clearing that other thing up. Keep it up, it looks good!
7/8/2007 c2 akb-inactive
I'm starting on 3rd person too, so don't worry. I think you're doing it wonderfully.
Everything's wonderful so far! Keep it up!
I'm starting on 3rd person too, so don't worry. I think you're doing it wonderfully.
Everything's wonderful so far! Keep it up!
7/6/2007 c2 picturesque
Great chapter. I'm really starting to enjoy the humor that comes with the modern day references... I found it a bit awkward in the last chapter, but now I think it's great. I loved the references to Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader and Harry Potter. The 3rd person omniscient is also really good; it helps set a satirical tone to your story. I can't wait for another update!
Great chapter. I'm really starting to enjoy the humor that comes with the modern day references... I found it a bit awkward in the last chapter, but now I think it's great. I loved the references to Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader and Harry Potter. The 3rd person omniscient is also really good; it helps set a satirical tone to your story. I can't wait for another update!
7/6/2007 c2 4Lulai
Hey, this is really really cute. i've enjoyed both the just ignorant snobbishness of the princess and the almost woe-be-goneness of david. the only thing that caught me was the word 'tossell.' i don't think that's a word, perhaps 'tousle' was the word you were looking for?
but either way, it's great. the only thing i'm hesitant on is the mixing of periods. it can be done and done great (dianna wynne jones comes to mind) but it can also been done very badly. yours has been done really well so far, but as long as its done consistantly i think we'll be good.
4LulaiHey, this is really really cute. i've enjoyed both the just ignorant snobbishness of the princess and the almost woe-be-goneness of david. the only thing that caught me was the word 'tossell.' i don't think that's a word, perhaps 'tousle' was the word you were looking for?
but either way, it's great. the only thing i'm hesitant on is the mixing of periods. it can be done and done great (dianna wynne jones comes to mind) but it can also been done very badly. yours has been done really well so far, but as long as its done consistantly i think we'll be good.
7/6/2007 c2 Emerald-Maiden
ooh, I get it! Haha Harry Potter Fanfiction writer! Guilty as charged! ^.^ I love where this is going, though I have no idea where excactly - it IS going, but I love it anyways! Good job, love the plot, characters and setting! Keep writing!
ooh, I get it! Haha Harry Potter Fanfiction writer! Guilty as charged! ^.^ I love where this is going, though I have no idea where excactly - it IS going, but I love it anyways! Good job, love the plot, characters and setting! Keep writing!
7/5/2007 c1 Emerald-Maiden
I actually like it! Good job! I love that "more than a Richard Simmons excersice viedeo." wow thats a lot! haha. ^.^ Good Job!
I actually like it! Good job! I love that "more than a Richard Simmons excersice viedeo." wow thats a lot! haha. ^.^ Good Job!
7/5/2007 c1 3Sinor
Um...the old woman part is confusing. I don't really get it...what she's trying to say or anything. Could you make it less...confusing?
Surely words would have fallen to the ground as if they’d never been spoken; even she, in her state of mind, recognized that.
I mean, that sentence doesn't even make sense. And the whole thing with time flashbacks and present time mixing is way too confusing. Other than that, a good start!
3SinorUm...the old woman part is confusing. I don't really get it...what she's trying to say or anything. Could you make it less...confusing?
Surely words would have fallen to the ground as if they’d never been spoken; even she, in her state of mind, recognized that.
I mean, that sentence doesn't even make sense. And the whole thing with time flashbacks and present time mixing is way too confusing. Other than that, a good start!
7/5/2007 c1 picturesque
I think you have made a good start. However, I am curious to know whether this story takes place in some world that incorporates present day technology or whether it is more of a medieval fantasy... Your summary kind of gave me the impression that it was more of a medieval fantasy. If that's the case, some of the phrases (for example, "Richard Simmons exercise videos" or "heart the temperature of liquid nitrogen") sound a bit anachronistic. All in all, I think this is a good beginning... your grammar and spelling are very good, but I think the setting/time period is a little ambiguous right now. I look forward to reading more!
I think you have made a good start. However, I am curious to know whether this story takes place in some world that incorporates present day technology or whether it is more of a medieval fantasy... Your summary kind of gave me the impression that it was more of a medieval fantasy. If that's the case, some of the phrases (for example, "Richard Simmons exercise videos" or "heart the temperature of liquid nitrogen") sound a bit anachronistic. All in all, I think this is a good beginning... your grammar and spelling are very good, but I think the setting/time period is a little ambiguous right now. I look forward to reading more!