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11/16/2019 c15 Guest
Um frankly, I hate this. I just skipped to the last chapter hoping it would be better than the rest but you have disappointed me. And when Ben said it would be hot if his ex was a lesbian? Fuck you. Fetishising homosexuality is wrong you airheaded bitch
11/16/2019 c1 Guest
Charlie calls them airheads? What the fuck is she then? A shameless slut? A dumb bimbo?
12/29/2015 c5 Lacey
I know it's been about 8 years since you've written this, but maybe it's still hooked up to your email. I just wanted to say that so far, I believe this to be a beautiful story, written on a fine line between the life of being a perfect ballerina and boy trouble. Just wanted to tell you that I look forward to finishing it 〜(ゝ。)
4/4/2014 c14 Turtle-Llama1101
This is a really good story and i love the plot and how you kind of explained a teenage/young females mentality through Charlie. HOWEVER, her constant indecisiveness and brother-jumping is not only confusing but down-right annoying. It just makes me wonder where you got the idea for Charlie's character. Is it from experience? BTW's I kind of thought Charlie jumping from brother to brother made her seem like a slut and although that may not be what you wanted with her dating ben then sleeping with matt then her dating matt and breaking it off to choose ben but then choosing matt only to go back to benakes it seem that way
1/27/2013 c5 8affableFacade
I only review when I'm finished, unless it's incomplete.
Damn. Just broke my protocol.
7/26/2009 c15 6KellyVirg
Overall this is a 'good' story, but there are several things that are distracting. I like to start with the good, so I will say that I like the concept of the story. The plot was interesting, but the lack of character motivation was pulling it down a little. With Charlie constantly switcing between Ben and Matt, it was hard to follow and a little irritating that she couldn't just make up her mind about who she wanted to be with. It wasn't just one or two switches, there were around five! It's really confusing for the reader and it lessens the impact of her final decision.

There were some minor issues with spelling, which I hope are all typos, so maybe just reading your work over carefully before posting. A few are acceptable, but it's really bad in dialogue especially if you can't completely understand what they are saying.

Also, some of the writing leans toward the cliche side. I've noticed it particularly in the dialogue and it pulls the story down a little. When you brought up the "it's my mistake to learn from," I knew I had already heard that kind of line before and it gets a little old.

Finally, I'll just point out a little observation with your love scenes. You seem to be rushing through them and throwing out awkward phrases and words. I'm not saying that the scenes should be long, but you should work on making them flow so it seems longer than it actually is. And using technical terms for body parts is generally a bad idea unless you are going for a cold, detached love scene (e.g. penis).
4/16/2009 c15 Mackenzie Harris
oh please please PLEASE write a sequel. I LOVE this story! this is probably one of the storys i've ever read
4/14/2009 c15 1dancegymnastics
loved it!
7/30/2008 c15 Kimmeh
Sequel? :3

I enjoyed reading this, although Charlie moved from brother to brother a tad too much. x]

I like the CharliexMatt pairing. But that could be because I have a weak spot for guys with that name xD

Ah well, keep up the good work and I hope there will be a sequel o;
5/17/2008 c6 mbcrazychick2011
i like your story a lot.you are a good writer and the pace of the story is realistic and exiting. and on chapter six yoou mentioned somothing about jehove witnesses and i found it very insulting because i have grwon friends who are jehove witnesses. i belive thatone should know about a religion and its people before talking bad stuff about them.i just though ill put that out there..ill really love t finish your story but i can't ... that comment.. wel that comment...
11/22/2007 c15 Strangely Natural
Too many spelling, repetition and grammar mistakes for one thing, for another Charlie is kind of a moron along with her brown-nosing sister and judgment mother; and Matt, Ben need to grow up, they're both slutty (Matt more visibly so, like his asshole father, who strangely reminds me of the male version of Charlie's mother) but at least are trying to be better. Overall I give an eh for this story in development, an nicely ok for plot and bleh for the protagonists except for Ethan Lockwood, sort of. The end was good though, except for what Matt did to Teri, she may have been willing but he kind of raped her in a sense. Btw the title should be Toxic Love. Since it seems kind of toxic for their hearts for either of the boys to be with her ;)

*“Yeah, whatever. I figured this [Charlie breaking up eith Matt...again] would happen.”* yeah...I think everybody did.

*“That’s a bunch of bullshit! My parents are a bunch of nut jobs that sleep in different rooms, and the only reason they are still together is because they are Catholic, and don’t believe in divorce. But you know what, I managed to get past it. Don’t blame your own inabilities on other people. Just blame them on your own fear, because that’s the cause of it, whether you want to believe it or not.”* BAM! take that for a reality check!

*That was all in her imagination though, and just when Charlie was thinking of acting on her sexual urge she stopped herself. She knew that if she leaned over and kissed him, nothing would ever be the same. She would be branded as a whore for sleeping with two brothers, and even if nobody else knew about it other than herself, she couldn’t live with it. Instead she got up from the couch and got a glass of water, hoping that it would help to clear her mind.* That was the one smart thing she did besides staying single and out of their life.

*Somehow Charlie had ended up sitting in between Ben and Matt on the couch, and Matt felt the need to point out the irony in that.“Man Charlie. You always seem to find a way to wedge yourself in between the two of us. You are going to be causing trouble like this until the day we all die.”* well duh ;)

*“How come you didn’t tell me this at the beginning of this mess?” “Because it was your mess to make and clean up. That’s all apart of growing up, and this is just a little taste of it.”* oh please they could have avoided all this mess and hurt feelings if he could have just given her some proper advice and guidelines, sheesh.

This kind of story though obviously needs a sequel. Make them all much more mature.
11/5/2007 c15 wtf
what a skank, I hope both Matt and Ben get over that slut...
8/22/2007 c2 Fractured Illusion
"“Just twenty. You should have seen the girls once the class ended. Half of them went over to the teacher, Matt, and the other half went and talked to his brother Ben. It was so sad the way the female population turns into mush once a couple of hot guys come into the room,” Charlie stated cynically."

But reacted just the same! O.o Her mental reaction is not at all different than theirs and hey, she is STILL thinking about them. :/

And whoa, Charlie wants to be a shrink? Interesting.

"a split personality r something?"

Missed a 'o' in or

"Ben seems like the type of guy that wants what he can’t have, so you have to play hard to get.”"

Okay, how does she come to this conclusion all of a sudden? Looking over the dialog they shared, no trait of Ben was ever spoken otherwise that he was the younger brother and hot :/ What Mary says is a tad too convenient and probably also "fitting" regarding a person she has never seen, interacted with nor has had him much described even. I just don't buy this :/

"where does that leave me."

You should add a question mark there

The structure of paragraphs and such are well done though, and no paragraph is ever too long. So it's all easy on the eyes. Your sentences have varied openers (ie, you start most with different kinds of words, wherein it is a common mistake for many on this site to stick to nouns (ie, I saw, He said, Rebecca did - those kinds of things). So kudos for not falling into that.

Overall, the writing is fine. Characters seem to be, too. But everything happens too quickly. Perhaps if you added some subplots, unrelated to romance? To give the characters depth. Don't know if you do that later though.

About why I feel you still rush: After the first lesson, she will be going after the brother rather than having gone for a few weeks (eyeing the brothers but never taking initiative) and THEN telling her sister about him... Or something. Like I said, you're rushing it, to me. The characters would all be nice if they weren't so obsessed with romance/who is sexy etc. But because you introduce the dating and such so quickly, it feels a tad shallow.

Feel free to PM me with any questions regarding my review! I know I sometimes preach big but in the end doesn't make much sense :/

- Frac
8/21/2007 c1 Fractured Illusion
"praying that she would fit in. She had never fit in much at school "

fit in, fit in. Repetitions so close by are to be avoided (unless it is one of the normal words, like "and" and such). I suggest the second could be traded to "belonged"? Using synonyms brings variety to your writing, after all.

"with strong biceps that were meant for squeezing"

:3 I favor this description! Never heard anything like it before. You score points for creativity!

" she would say [']the answer to your dreams[']."

Try to mark the words he wants her to say. Like 'this, or like "this". It gives clarity and flows better.

"“look, "

You missed making the L a capital L as it is the start of her sentence

"he began (after giving a cold stare to Charlie)"

Using () is generally considered bad. You should use - (ie he began - after giving a cold stare to Charlie)

"This caused quite a stir among the women, because as mentioned earlier ballerinas are quite stuck up, and believe that they have no flaws at all."

I don't quite think you should be that blunt. Remember, it's show don't tell. Just saying it was a stir is enough. If you want the ballerinas to be perceived as narcissistic, show it through their behavior ^^

"because he was a work of art. Beautifully sculpted muscles and a chiseled face made him a work of art"

a work of art, a work of art. Unnecessary repetition.

"There are some airheads in this room. It’s amazing they don’t just float away. They are pretty sexy though."

The airheads are sexy? That is what is sounds like here. :P

I think you had two general problems that made the chapter less interesting for me;

-you rushed a lot with Charlie and the dance teacher. Though I do like their introduction to each other (such snappy dialog!), what progressed after I did not like. Too fast. Plus, Matt is supposed to be a professional and it felt immature of him to want to "have her in the sack" :/

- you told (and not showed) various things.

I liked the dialog, it was the strongest and most solid part of the story. Your characters show very well in them ^^ Just try to make more points by dialog rather than telling it (ie, showing how they feel.

Can be done in writing, too. Like, how does the expression on the character's face look like when she/he says this? Example; rather than saying that someone looked happy, say WHAT makes them look happy. Instead of a "She looked happy", you could have a "Her lips curved into a giant grin as she laughed" Sucky example, I know :P)

Ok that turned out pretty long :/ Sorry, but I hope I helped somewhat though!

Keep it up!

- Frac
8/5/2007 c15 3tasi13
i loved this story and would love for you to put up a sequl
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