for Nemesis12/16/2008 c4 
8Written
like your other work, this story is written fairly well. your voice as this character is, in my opinion, excellent. however, you do make a few errors that could easily be edited if you had someone look over your work.
I felt it ended a bit too quickly... I don't know if I was being stupid or what, but was the seventeen of us bit referring to their trip back home? I think this sort of story gets ruined by overexplanation, but since the end went over my head, I think you could do with at least talking about the trip a bit more instead of just ... you know.
overall, not bad.
8Writtenlike your other work, this story is written fairly well. your voice as this character is, in my opinion, excellent. however, you do make a few errors that could easily be edited if you had someone look over your work.
I felt it ended a bit too quickly... I don't know if I was being stupid or what, but was the seventeen of us bit referring to their trip back home? I think this sort of story gets ruined by overexplanation, but since the end went over my head, I think you could do with at least talking about the trip a bit more instead of just ... you know.
overall, not bad.
12/16/2008 c3 Written
very creepy. I love your descriptive writing. one thing I forgot to point out was that earlier, in another chapter where he says something in french and someone replies "je ne sais pas"- you repeat that paragraph... I dont feel it was intentional but you know.
this story's tone is excellent.
very creepy. I love your descriptive writing. one thing I forgot to point out was that earlier, in another chapter where he says something in french and someone replies "je ne sais pas"- you repeat that paragraph... I dont feel it was intentional but you know.
this story's tone is excellent.
12/15/2008 c1 Written
oh my gosh, you are very good. I can't wait to read more! I'll be sure to come back soon. finals and all...
oh my gosh, you are very good. I can't wait to read more! I'll be sure to come back soon. finals and all...
3/25/2008 c1 1CillestAvroenyun
Though I have only just now read the first chapter, I must say that I am utterly awed by the smoothness and professional feel of this work. Your words flow seamlessly and naturally, drawing me in without an ounce of boredom, but of sheer engrossment. Forgive my few words, but I must read on now...
1CillestAvroenyunThough I have only just now read the first chapter, I must say that I am utterly awed by the smoothness and professional feel of this work. Your words flow seamlessly and naturally, drawing me in without an ounce of boredom, but of sheer engrossment. Forgive my few words, but I must read on now...
8/13/2007 c4 25The Mumbling Sage
I expected more than a retelling of Magnus with some pretencious references to the Fata Morgana mirage and French custom thrown in. I fear I am disappointed.
25The Mumbling SageI expected more than a retelling of Magnus with some pretencious references to the Fata Morgana mirage and French custom thrown in. I fear I am disappointed.
8/13/2007 c1 The Mumbling Sage
Half-Lovecraft, half-Wilde, but I can still tell who it's really coming from. I think your 'he was wrong' last sentanc was a really...clunker. It spoils the feel with cheesy foreboding. But the quote this story begins with leaves me with a lot of expectation.
Half-Lovecraft, half-Wilde, but I can still tell who it's really coming from. I think your 'he was wrong' last sentanc was a really...clunker. It spoils the feel with cheesy foreboding. But the quote this story begins with leaves me with a lot of expectation.
8/3/2007 c1 9Alteng
I've been a bit busy of late, and then there was the Harry Potter book . . .
Anyway, an interesting story you have going here. I like the setting here as well. It kind of reminds me of a Lovecrraftian type of story, and I do enjoy those.
A grammarical comment for you. You duplicated the paragraph about Gabriel asking about the noise on the river. And the waterfall seemed to creep up on me while reading.
Anyway, I'll be looking out for the next chapter. I want to know where the staircase leads to.
9AltengI've been a bit busy of late, and then there was the Harry Potter book . . .
Anyway, an interesting story you have going here. I like the setting here as well. It kind of reminds me of a Lovecrraftian type of story, and I do enjoy those.
A grammarical comment for you. You duplicated the paragraph about Gabriel asking about the noise on the river. And the waterfall seemed to creep up on me while reading.
Anyway, I'll be looking out for the next chapter. I want to know where the staircase leads to.
7/14/2007 c4 nolongeraround
This was a very good story. I enjoyed every word of it. Keep up the good work.
This was a very good story. I enjoyed every word of it. Keep up the good work.
7/9/2007 c2 nolongeraround
Amazing chapter. I love the way you write. It makes me a little envious. Heh.
Amazing chapter. I love the way you write. It makes me a little envious. Heh.
7/8/2007 c1 nolongeraround
This seems interesting. I want to know where the staircase led to. I can't wait for an update!
This seems interesting. I want to know where the staircase led to. I can't wait for an update!