for Not supposed to9/14/2010 c29 
1SpiritStand
i just figured out what tbc is thats sad...nice i like the story, i was so eager to read it when i got home from school ithink i spent have my classes wondering what was going to happen next
1SpiritStandi just figured out what tbc is thats sad...nice i like the story, i was so eager to read it when i got home from school ithink i spent have my classes wondering what was going to happen next
9/9/2010 c45 2chromasanguine
This is a very well written and well thought out story. There are occasional grammar mistakes and such, but I understand English isn't your first language, so it's definitely written well, considering.
I love all the characters and really hope they get the happy ending they deserve.
I really hope you update this soon :)
2chromasanguineThis is a very well written and well thought out story. There are occasional grammar mistakes and such, but I understand English isn't your first language, so it's definitely written well, considering.
I love all the characters and really hope they get the happy ending they deserve.
I really hope you update this soon :)
9/6/2010 c36 Vivi
So, I spent about 8 hours so far reading this fic (split between two days, and the first few hours kept me awake until 4:50AM). I thought I was going to end up enjoying this right up until the last posted chapter...
Do not read on if you don't take harsh criticism well. I do not mean to demean your work, but I know that sometimes tough critique can come off as a real bastard-like attack. You should really be commended for putting in your own time and producing SO MUCH and then sharing it freely on the internet. Not many people can do that, and those who do waste their time on fanfiction.
...Okay...you've been warned...
But I feel I need to stop. I'll just list my problems to make it more cohesive.
- I see by your profile that English is not your first language, and your mastery of writing English is actually better than most native speakers (phenomenal, actually). However, there are nuances that make me find a lot of this unbelievable and very...awkward. Seeing "the" in front so much just seems odd: THE parents, THE grandparents, etc. Normally, spoken English would include some sort of possessive quality: my parents, our grandparents, etc. This problem also came in with vocabulary. There were so many words I wanted to see synonyms for, so that my brain could focus on the story and not the overuse of the word. Also, Americans do call American football "Football" and football "Soccer." BUT, what was odd was that your character didn't make that distinction correctly, because in their description they asked it they meant "American football" or "Soccer." If the character is American, they would never put American in front of football, unless they were making the comparison of "American football or regular football?". Don't be afraid to do reach out on communities for help with country-by-country research.
- There came a point a few chapters in when I just started skipping the morning routines. I skimmed them to see who was there in the morning, what excuse their parents had to be gone this time, and then moved on. There weren't many scenes that were important. I didn't need to see the breakfasts and showers and homework sessions that added nothing to the narrative. It was very redundant. Most of my eight hours I felt were spent in these scenes.
- Why does everyone have such a weak stomach over everything?
- I haven't gotten to the end, but a few chapters back, even before the BIG hints that Shawn wasn't Uri's brother by birth (such as the reference to being afraid of storms or the note, before then), I started getting that feeling. I honestly don't know if that's where you were going, but if it was, I'm disappointed you took the easy route out of it, especially after going to such great lengths to grotesquely describe the same, repetitive emotions and reactions to to him. "Oh, we're not brothers anyway" is such a cop-out, honestly. Such an "arrested Development" thing to do. I feel like an author that does that is saying something about themselves not feeling comfortable with it, as if they themselves can't make the distinction between fact and fiction. This may not be true, it just comes off that way.
- I actually have no idea where this story takes place. Like I said before, the colloquialisms are all over the map. Is this America? England? Europe? Somewhere else entirely? The names of certain wardrobe pieces I thought could clue me in, but it really didn't. There were some labels I was familiar with (trousers being British), and others that felt odd (like whatever they changed into after school and whatever their uniform was named). The food, the recipes for that food, the idea that people actually ate breakfast in the morning with such a rushed-schedule...just felt unusual. All in all, I won't fault you for whatever country this does take place in, I just feel like more research should be done on the slang and customs of that country if you want me to believe it takes place there.
- The development of sexual tension between Shawn and Rane was actually done well. But the last chapter, I feel like you blew it completely. It felt like Shawn just said, "Oh, yeah, Rane told me in this deleted scene, so after all of that build-up, I think there's a huge brick of writer's block with progressing this story and skip the most important and vital scene to the entire plot."
- For someone who seems intent on showing that homophobia and discrimination is wrong, there's so much homophobia and sexism laden within the characters. I would believe it if the parents were really more strict with their religious upbringing of the boys, and actually weren't so casual with the revelation of their sons being gay. I'm sorry, because no matter what, the only way those kids would be that way is if their parents really gave them something to fear. It seems more reflective of you, the author, because of the comic relief idea that this is just being written because slash and taboo relationships are in and popular. If it's not, I apologize, but you may want to consider how you're representing yourself within your writing.
- I commend you on the accurate descriptions and the ambition to not shy away from what could have been an all-out rape scene. Creeping out readers is a GOOD thing in that case, we want people to be sickened by rape, even attempted rape. That being said, there was a serious, serious, SERIOUS lack of anger on everyone's behalf. ESPECIALLY HIS PARENTS. "Ready to hear it when you're ready to tell"? Kyle just moves out of the neighborhood in a single sentence? Why go to the lengths of making it seem real if you're not going to follow through with realistic consequences? There is not a loving friend or family in the world who would hear their loved one was almost raped and wouldn't be rife with grief and anger. It seemed like a poor excuse to get Uri into bed with Shawn.
All in all, after eight hours of reading, I need to stop before I get even more disappointed. There were so many perfect gems in this story, but it was scattered among shower after shower after breakfast after dinner after mysterious parental outing.
I'm very sorry if this disheartens you. This is just my technical review of the story, and if you ever want to take another look at what you wrote, there's a fair chance you could turn this back into something amazing.
So, I spent about 8 hours so far reading this fic (split between two days, and the first few hours kept me awake until 4:50AM). I thought I was going to end up enjoying this right up until the last posted chapter...
Do not read on if you don't take harsh criticism well. I do not mean to demean your work, but I know that sometimes tough critique can come off as a real bastard-like attack. You should really be commended for putting in your own time and producing SO MUCH and then sharing it freely on the internet. Not many people can do that, and those who do waste their time on fanfiction.
...Okay...you've been warned...
But I feel I need to stop. I'll just list my problems to make it more cohesive.
- I see by your profile that English is not your first language, and your mastery of writing English is actually better than most native speakers (phenomenal, actually). However, there are nuances that make me find a lot of this unbelievable and very...awkward. Seeing "the" in front so much just seems odd: THE parents, THE grandparents, etc. Normally, spoken English would include some sort of possessive quality: my parents, our grandparents, etc. This problem also came in with vocabulary. There were so many words I wanted to see synonyms for, so that my brain could focus on the story and not the overuse of the word. Also, Americans do call American football "Football" and football "Soccer." BUT, what was odd was that your character didn't make that distinction correctly, because in their description they asked it they meant "American football" or "Soccer." If the character is American, they would never put American in front of football, unless they were making the comparison of "American football or regular football?". Don't be afraid to do reach out on communities for help with country-by-country research.
- There came a point a few chapters in when I just started skipping the morning routines. I skimmed them to see who was there in the morning, what excuse their parents had to be gone this time, and then moved on. There weren't many scenes that were important. I didn't need to see the breakfasts and showers and homework sessions that added nothing to the narrative. It was very redundant. Most of my eight hours I felt were spent in these scenes.
- Why does everyone have such a weak stomach over everything?
- I haven't gotten to the end, but a few chapters back, even before the BIG hints that Shawn wasn't Uri's brother by birth (such as the reference to being afraid of storms or the note, before then), I started getting that feeling. I honestly don't know if that's where you were going, but if it was, I'm disappointed you took the easy route out of it, especially after going to such great lengths to grotesquely describe the same, repetitive emotions and reactions to to him. "Oh, we're not brothers anyway" is such a cop-out, honestly. Such an "arrested Development" thing to do. I feel like an author that does that is saying something about themselves not feeling comfortable with it, as if they themselves can't make the distinction between fact and fiction. This may not be true, it just comes off that way.
- I actually have no idea where this story takes place. Like I said before, the colloquialisms are all over the map. Is this America? England? Europe? Somewhere else entirely? The names of certain wardrobe pieces I thought could clue me in, but it really didn't. There were some labels I was familiar with (trousers being British), and others that felt odd (like whatever they changed into after school and whatever their uniform was named). The food, the recipes for that food, the idea that people actually ate breakfast in the morning with such a rushed-schedule...just felt unusual. All in all, I won't fault you for whatever country this does take place in, I just feel like more research should be done on the slang and customs of that country if you want me to believe it takes place there.
- The development of sexual tension between Shawn and Rane was actually done well. But the last chapter, I feel like you blew it completely. It felt like Shawn just said, "Oh, yeah, Rane told me in this deleted scene, so after all of that build-up, I think there's a huge brick of writer's block with progressing this story and skip the most important and vital scene to the entire plot."
- For someone who seems intent on showing that homophobia and discrimination is wrong, there's so much homophobia and sexism laden within the characters. I would believe it if the parents were really more strict with their religious upbringing of the boys, and actually weren't so casual with the revelation of their sons being gay. I'm sorry, because no matter what, the only way those kids would be that way is if their parents really gave them something to fear. It seems more reflective of you, the author, because of the comic relief idea that this is just being written because slash and taboo relationships are in and popular. If it's not, I apologize, but you may want to consider how you're representing yourself within your writing.
- I commend you on the accurate descriptions and the ambition to not shy away from what could have been an all-out rape scene. Creeping out readers is a GOOD thing in that case, we want people to be sickened by rape, even attempted rape. That being said, there was a serious, serious, SERIOUS lack of anger on everyone's behalf. ESPECIALLY HIS PARENTS. "Ready to hear it when you're ready to tell"? Kyle just moves out of the neighborhood in a single sentence? Why go to the lengths of making it seem real if you're not going to follow through with realistic consequences? There is not a loving friend or family in the world who would hear their loved one was almost raped and wouldn't be rife with grief and anger. It seemed like a poor excuse to get Uri into bed with Shawn.
All in all, after eight hours of reading, I need to stop before I get even more disappointed. There were so many perfect gems in this story, but it was scattered among shower after shower after breakfast after dinner after mysterious parental outing.
I'm very sorry if this disheartens you. This is just my technical review of the story, and if you ever want to take another look at what you wrote, there's a fair chance you could turn this back into something amazing.
8/31/2010 c1 Hai
Please update ):
Please update ):
8/31/2010 c45 3LostLovelessSoul
OMG! An updtae, not one but 3! I totally thought you stopped writting on aarin and was all sad XD I now have hope again. Finding these updates here has just made my week so much better! I can0t wait to read what happens next =D
3LostLovelessSoulOMG! An updtae, not one but 3! I totally thought you stopped writting on aarin and was all sad XD I now have hope again. Finding these updates here has just made my week so much better! I can0t wait to read what happens next =D
8/8/2010 c46 2diabla616
I was directed here by a community n livejournal,and I'm really glad I did, it's a lovely story, well-written with feeling. I'm waiting for the happy ending now though! Please update soon!
2diabla616I was directed here by a community n livejournal,and I'm really glad I did, it's a lovely story, well-written with feeling. I'm waiting for the happy ending now though! Please update soon!
7/30/2010 c45 andreja
I just read all 45 chapters in 3 days. I was reading until 5 in the morning (I'm not kidding). I fell a little dizzy now from the story. I just fell into this mad world from Shawn and Uri and I think I'm gonna need a few days to come back to earth. I love the story and trust me a read allot and was always the bookworm in my family. After the first chapter I knew this is one of those stories that stays with you for a while and now at chapter 45 a know a was right. Shawn and Uri, Uri and Shawn like a pair that cannot stand alone, are like two planets that attract each other and would without this crazy gravity fall apart in aimlessly wander in space. That is how I understand their love for each other,and although allot of thing change as the story progresses and allot happens, I think that deep down their love for each other stays the same.
I can see that you haven’t updated over a year, but I still hope you will decide to finish the story. I hope you will find time and inspiration and maybe still surprise us and Uri, just like Shawn when he finally came out of his room…
I just read all 45 chapters in 3 days. I was reading until 5 in the morning (I'm not kidding). I fell a little dizzy now from the story. I just fell into this mad world from Shawn and Uri and I think I'm gonna need a few days to come back to earth. I love the story and trust me a read allot and was always the bookworm in my family. After the first chapter I knew this is one of those stories that stays with you for a while and now at chapter 45 a know a was right. Shawn and Uri, Uri and Shawn like a pair that cannot stand alone, are like two planets that attract each other and would without this crazy gravity fall apart in aimlessly wander in space. That is how I understand their love for each other,and although allot of thing change as the story progresses and allot happens, I think that deep down their love for each other stays the same.
I can see that you haven’t updated over a year, but I still hope you will decide to finish the story. I hope you will find time and inspiration and maybe still surprise us and Uri, just like Shawn when he finally came out of his room…
7/27/2010 c38 NnNn
Come on!
Please update! I've read the 45 chapters of your story in less than a day, and when I finished and saw the last time you updated I almost had a depressive attack...
Please tell me that you haven't forgot about this story, I think that it's the best story I've ever read in my whole life -and I read a lot, believe me-, and it gives me much sorrow to see that you've probably forgot completely about this story.
Come on!
Please update! I've read the 45 chapters of your story in less than a day, and when I finished and saw the last time you updated I almost had a depressive attack...
Please tell me that you haven't forgot about this story, I think that it's the best story I've ever read in my whole life -and I read a lot, believe me-, and it gives me much sorrow to see that you've probably forgot completely about this story.
7/22/2010 c46 sdwinfreak
I don't have the words to describe my complete adoration for this story... I have laughed, cried, screamed, and been livid while reading this story. I find the almost obsessive, co-dependent love of Shawn/Uri to be intoxicating and infuriating. I am on pins and needles hoping that you are planning to finish this story at some point- I just spent all day reading it and I am HOOKED on it like a crack head.
A few things... I NEVER saw the attempted rape coming, though I understood the mitigating circumstances that led to it while not excusing it... I get so FRUSTRATED with Uri's immaturity that I yell at my computer... I figured out the cousin thing when Uri found that scrap of a letter at his grandparents...
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE update this story... I am begging and giving you the puppy-dog eyes w/a pouty lip thrown in for good measure. = )
I don't have the words to describe my complete adoration for this story... I have laughed, cried, screamed, and been livid while reading this story. I find the almost obsessive, co-dependent love of Shawn/Uri to be intoxicating and infuriating. I am on pins and needles hoping that you are planning to finish this story at some point- I just spent all day reading it and I am HOOKED on it like a crack head.
A few things... I NEVER saw the attempted rape coming, though I understood the mitigating circumstances that led to it while not excusing it... I get so FRUSTRATED with Uri's immaturity that I yell at my computer... I figured out the cousin thing when Uri found that scrap of a letter at his grandparents...
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE update this story... I am begging and giving you the puppy-dog eyes w/a pouty lip thrown in for good measure. = )
7/13/2010 c13 anne
and frankly this family dynamic is just odd...what kind of parents force their child to visit granparents like that? i jsut dont get it.
i am still reading because at this stage i want to see where it goes but over all i have to say i get really angry by reading it. i just dont understand the reactions of people or the motivations and i think there should at least be one character of a story that i can relate to.
and frankly this family dynamic is just odd...what kind of parents force their child to visit granparents like that? i jsut dont get it.
i am still reading because at this stage i want to see where it goes but over all i have to say i get really angry by reading it. i just dont understand the reactions of people or the motivations and i think there should at least be one character of a story that i can relate to.
7/13/2010 c12 anne
i am not quite sure what universe you live in that this school bullying like this is possible.
i mean i guess everyone would have an odd reaction to a gay pupil because people are just odd that way, even if i cant understand it.
i never experienced anything like this in any school i went to. i dont want to say it is unrealistic or that something nasty doesnt happen because i've read enough stories where it apparently does.
i just dont think that one little rumour about one guy being gay would suddenly qualify him for bullying. oh well, this is fiction after all, guess i shouldnt project too much because like i said, fiction, story...not rl :)
i am not quite sure what universe you live in that this school bullying like this is possible.
i mean i guess everyone would have an odd reaction to a gay pupil because people are just odd that way, even if i cant understand it.
i never experienced anything like this in any school i went to. i dont want to say it is unrealistic or that something nasty doesnt happen because i've read enough stories where it apparently does.
i just dont think that one little rumour about one guy being gay would suddenly qualify him for bullying. oh well, this is fiction after all, guess i shouldnt project too much because like i said, fiction, story...not rl :)
7/13/2010 c1 anne
i cannot relate to your uri at all. i dont understand why he does not speak up. being shy or not wanting attention does not mean you have to be a push over which is just so low and pathetic.
i am shy too and i no way would i let people walk all over me. and swearing is part of a healthy experession and not swearing at all is just stuck up...
anyway i will see where this goes, i am curious about it.
i cannot relate to your uri at all. i dont understand why he does not speak up. being shy or not wanting attention does not mean you have to be a push over which is just so low and pathetic.
i am shy too and i no way would i let people walk all over me. and swearing is part of a healthy experession and not swearing at all is just stuck up...
anyway i will see where this goes, i am curious about it.
7/12/2010 c46 ZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZz
UPDATE!
please! i love your story, and it makes me sad to see that you haven´t updated in a million years makes wanna cry.
UPDATE!
please! i love your story, and it makes me sad to see that you haven´t updated in a million years makes wanna cry.