for Not supposed to7/19/2007 c7 
5American Schokolade
This chapter was sweet. Shawn's being a little transparent, but since Uri's so oblivious, I guess it works well. I'm glad you developed Uri's obliviousness with girls before, though, instead of making him only so with Shawn.
I was reading your replies to the other reviewer, and I'd say, if you want to make this language sound less formal, the big thing would be to use more contractions, especially with "I" as the subject (for example, "I am" and "I will" are usually spoken as "I'm" and "I'll"). Use them frequently in dialogue too, because I doubt Uri and his friends would bother to pronounce whole words while bantering with each other. Remember, though, that for negatives, contract the verb and the negative, not the verb and the subject (for example, "I'll not" sounds way too formal and old-fashioned, but "I won't" is usually common).
However, the lack of contractions doesn't get too in the way of the flow because, from the first chapter, you hinted that Uri really likes to read and would therefore strive to be correct in his language. But, since he is a fairly normal teenager (except for the whole brother thing...), he probably wouldn't be such a perfectionist about it.
Anyway, this was a great chapter. I really enjoyed it. I love how fast you update, too. Keep it up!
5American SchokoladeThis chapter was sweet. Shawn's being a little transparent, but since Uri's so oblivious, I guess it works well. I'm glad you developed Uri's obliviousness with girls before, though, instead of making him only so with Shawn.
I was reading your replies to the other reviewer, and I'd say, if you want to make this language sound less formal, the big thing would be to use more contractions, especially with "I" as the subject (for example, "I am" and "I will" are usually spoken as "I'm" and "I'll"). Use them frequently in dialogue too, because I doubt Uri and his friends would bother to pronounce whole words while bantering with each other. Remember, though, that for negatives, contract the verb and the negative, not the verb and the subject (for example, "I'll not" sounds way too formal and old-fashioned, but "I won't" is usually common).
However, the lack of contractions doesn't get too in the way of the flow because, from the first chapter, you hinted that Uri really likes to read and would therefore strive to be correct in his language. But, since he is a fairly normal teenager (except for the whole brother thing...), he probably wouldn't be such a perfectionist about it.
Anyway, this was a great chapter. I really enjoyed it. I love how fast you update, too. Keep it up!
7/18/2007 c6 5Amerez
Hi there! English isn't my first tongue either, but it's the one I use the most. So I get what you mean. Your English is seriously much better than some native speakers though, so congrats. This chapter's dialog was much more relaxed.
Can't wait to see what happens next! Update soon...please.
5AmerezHi there! English isn't my first tongue either, but it's the one I use the most. So I get what you mean. Your English is seriously much better than some native speakers though, so congrats. This chapter's dialog was much more relaxed.
Can't wait to see what happens next! Update soon...please.
7/18/2007 c6 5American Schokolade
This chapter seemed more like a filler chapter than anything, but it was still good. I can imagine the mortification Uri felt during that parent-son talk... I'm glad I managed to mostly skip those growing up...
Anyway, I can't wait to see where this is going. Keep it up!
5American SchokoladeThis chapter seemed more like a filler chapter than anything, but it was still good. I can imagine the mortification Uri felt during that parent-son talk... I'm glad I managed to mostly skip those growing up...
Anyway, I can't wait to see where this is going. Keep it up!
7/17/2007 c5 5Amerez
And the plot thickens! OMG...they're not really brothers? Poor silly Uri, I kinda feel like slapping him. oh, and I feel bad for Nancy, she seems nice. Ok. on to the reviewing...I noticed the dialog is really formal. "I must do my work for school"...I've never heard any teen talk like that. It could be a quirk of Uri's but you've never specified that, and everyone else talks like that. When you're writing dialog you should go over it and think about if it sounds right.
I hope you don't think I'm being a nit picky b$%ch. I wouldn't bother to be pointing out these little things if I didn't really like the story and your style.
5AmerezAnd the plot thickens! OMG...they're not really brothers? Poor silly Uri, I kinda feel like slapping him. oh, and I feel bad for Nancy, she seems nice. Ok. on to the reviewing...I noticed the dialog is really formal. "I must do my work for school"...I've never heard any teen talk like that. It could be a quirk of Uri's but you've never specified that, and everyone else talks like that. When you're writing dialog you should go over it and think about if it sounds right.
I hope you don't think I'm being a nit picky b$%ch. I wouldn't bother to be pointing out these little things if I didn't really like the story and your style.
7/17/2007 c5 5American Schokolade
I really liked the scene with Shawn crying. It was very vivid, and sad... I wonder what Shawn's thinking this whole time.
And the plot thickens into a love triangle, I see. I figured Nancy would probably like Uri, especially since Uri's friends kept insisting that he had so many girls liking him, but still it's kind of sad that Uri's basically playing her without even realizing that that's what he's doing.
Anyway, another good chapter. Keep it up!
5American SchokoladeI really liked the scene with Shawn crying. It was very vivid, and sad... I wonder what Shawn's thinking this whole time.
And the plot thickens into a love triangle, I see. I figured Nancy would probably like Uri, especially since Uri's friends kept insisting that he had so many girls liking him, but still it's kind of sad that Uri's basically playing her without even realizing that that's what he's doing.
Anyway, another good chapter. Keep it up!
7/15/2007 c4 5Amerez
yay for updates! Good chapter, I like how freaked out Uri is about the whole situation, it makes it more believable somehow. The grammar in this chapter was perfect so congrat on that front. Please update soon.
5Amerezyay for updates! Good chapter, I like how freaked out Uri is about the whole situation, it makes it more believable somehow. The grammar in this chapter was perfect so congrat on that front. Please update soon.
7/15/2007 c4 5American Schokolade
Another good chapter. At first I was thinking, Damn, this kid throws up a lot. But, then you addressed that so it was kind of funny.
I'm glad to see more of Shawn. I feel sorry for him. I figure if Uri actually tries to get a girlfriend, it's only going to complicate things more. Fun, fun. I can't wait to read more.
5American SchokoladeAnother good chapter. At first I was thinking, Damn, this kid throws up a lot. But, then you addressed that so it was kind of funny.
I'm glad to see more of Shawn. I feel sorry for him. I figure if Uri actually tries to get a girlfriend, it's only going to complicate things more. Fun, fun. I can't wait to read more.
7/15/2007 c3 6Kaerith
Whee! Fun-fun brother-cest! *squees fangirlishly* ...Okay, it's out of my system now.
My unnatural fondness for brothers boning brothers aside, I think this story has a lot of potential. It's awesome how you are developing minor characters- all too often writers don't detail peripheral characters in favor of focusing on the main characters. Which can be okay too, but I guess I just like the evidence that the author is imagining a bigger world than just a single relationship.
Just don't ignore Shawn too much. I'm very interested in what's going on in his head. Any chance of switches in POV? At least give us hints in the next chapter of what Shawn's dealing with.
Oh, here's one small nitpicky thing I noticed: after the break in the middle of the third chapter the word "Revelations" was tacked on before Uri's resumtion (oops, that's not a word, is it? ;) of his narrative. If it is meant to be a a subheading or something, double check the formatting. FP's editor is difficult to manage sometimes.
Thanks for what you've written so far! I enjoyed meeting the characters. This story's going on my alert list! ~Kaerith
6KaerithWhee! Fun-fun brother-cest! *squees fangirlishly* ...Okay, it's out of my system now.
My unnatural fondness for brothers boning brothers aside, I think this story has a lot of potential. It's awesome how you are developing minor characters- all too often writers don't detail peripheral characters in favor of focusing on the main characters. Which can be okay too, but I guess I just like the evidence that the author is imagining a bigger world than just a single relationship.
Just don't ignore Shawn too much. I'm very interested in what's going on in his head. Any chance of switches in POV? At least give us hints in the next chapter of what Shawn's dealing with.
Oh, here's one small nitpicky thing I noticed: after the break in the middle of the third chapter the word "Revelations" was tacked on before Uri's resumtion (oops, that's not a word, is it? ;) of his narrative. If it is meant to be a a subheading or something, double check the formatting. FP's editor is difficult to manage sometimes.
Thanks for what you've written so far! I enjoyed meeting the characters. This story's going on my alert list! ~Kaerith
7/12/2007 c3 5American Schokolade
Hmm, my mind isn't in a very reviewing mood, but since you posted the chapter I'll try my best...
I thought it was cute how Uri didn't realize all the girls had crushes on him-if they even did-but maybe the revelation will make him more confident later. I missed Shawn in this chapter but...ergh, I guess I can wait.
I think it's funny how innocent and adolescent Uri and all of his friends are. Shawn serves as a nice contrast to that.
Well, can't wait for more, so keep it up. I can't believe you're not getting more reviews than this...
5American SchokoladeHmm, my mind isn't in a very reviewing mood, but since you posted the chapter I'll try my best...
I thought it was cute how Uri didn't realize all the girls had crushes on him-if they even did-but maybe the revelation will make him more confident later. I missed Shawn in this chapter but...ergh, I guess I can wait.
I think it's funny how innocent and adolescent Uri and all of his friends are. Shawn serves as a nice contrast to that.
Well, can't wait for more, so keep it up. I can't believe you're not getting more reviews than this...
7/12/2007 c3 5Amerez
hi! Nice story you got here. I like Uri... sweet and and totally oblivious. I noticed some syntax errors and the like, so you might want to read it over before posting or get a beta. It makes a bit awkward to read. Other than that, I'm loving it!
5Amerezhi! Nice story you got here. I like Uri... sweet and and totally oblivious. I noticed some syntax errors and the like, so you might want to read it over before posting or get a beta. It makes a bit awkward to read. Other than that, I'm loving it!
7/11/2007 c2 5American Schokolade
Oh, yeah. Don't switch to Shawn's POV. I hate POV switching...
I thought this chapter was short, but looking at the size of the scrolling bar, I guess it isn't that short. Maybe I just enjoyed it, eh? Anyway, I think this chapter served well to show the development of Uri's feelings... I'm sure that's going to be fun to deal with.
And as much as I hate vomit, I think the bathroom scene was funny, how they both ended up there at the same time. Like-minded? Heh.
Well, anyway, keep it up! I like the fast update, by the way.
5American SchokoladeOh, yeah. Don't switch to Shawn's POV. I hate POV switching...
I thought this chapter was short, but looking at the size of the scrolling bar, I guess it isn't that short. Maybe I just enjoyed it, eh? Anyway, I think this chapter served well to show the development of Uri's feelings... I'm sure that's going to be fun to deal with.
And as much as I hate vomit, I think the bathroom scene was funny, how they both ended up there at the same time. Like-minded? Heh.
Well, anyway, keep it up! I like the fast update, by the way.
7/10/2007 c1 American Schokolade
M, incest...
Although I sorely disagree with Uriel on the point of swearing, I do like the character nonetheless. He's interesting and unique, and a pushover (I would NEVER make breakfast for my brother like that! Jeez..). I like him, though.
I want to get to know Shawn more. And this plot. You've made some interesting characters, and I look forward to seeing how they develop. Keep it up!
M, incest...
Although I sorely disagree with Uriel on the point of swearing, I do like the character nonetheless. He's interesting and unique, and a pushover (I would NEVER make breakfast for my brother like that! Jeez..). I like him, though.
I want to get to know Shawn more. And this plot. You've made some interesting characters, and I look forward to seeing how they develop. Keep it up!
7/10/2007 c1 7color-of-her-eyes
so...here we go...let's raise the glass and hope for a good second start of uri and shawn...and rane...it's all about rane...but it works...yuha...
7color-of-her-eyesso...here we go...let's raise the glass and hope for a good second start of uri and shawn...and rane...it's all about rane...but it works...yuha...