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for The Muted Gypsy

8/8/2007 c2 Fractured Illusion
Honestly, you are killing me with the bold :/ Have it normal! Easier to read! (unless you purposely bold it to make people not want to read)

"She reached sunny tree"

*a* sunny tree, or sunny tree is the name of it: Sunny Tree

You have a lot of "smile". It's repetitive and unnecessary. Especially when you already said she was smiling. Why do you need to repeat it so often? Answer is; you don't. End of story ^^

"Life for Enitan, which means man of story, well his story wasn’t the greatest."

the man of story part is a side-track from the original sentence and should not be picked up on after the comma ends it. Thus;

"wasn't the greatest" is enough to say.

"means in Egyptian “Blessing or Gift”"

I think you mean to say "Blessing" or "Gift". The meaning will be weird if it contains "or".

"Reaching the lake she smiled happily"

Ugh, it's getting repetitive. We already knows she has knack for smiling. Don't rub it in more :/

"and splashed Madam Toad" and then later; "Splashing and playing"

Splashed, splashing. Don't repeat yourself, and not so closely either.

"Enitan raised an eyebrow at that comment." and then; "“What’s with the raised eyebrow Enitan? Have you a better idea?”"

At least change the way the father speaks, like "What's with the expression, Enitean?" (yes there should be a comma when you address someone. Always)

"The kid knew how to pull at his heart strings. Well, if he had a heart."

:/ Riight, Denying the obvious I see... *has a problem with characters that don't admit they can feel when they clearly do*

If you want it to appear as if he does not care for his little brother, make him annoyed by him and do not insert such cheesy, sweet lines.

By the way, what's with the bowing for the lion? :/ Animals doesn't bow, and as she doesn't interact with humans, neither should she.

"“AH!” He yelled as"

Repetition. You have him yell, and then you say that he does. Unnecessary. Just cut out the ugly "AH". It serves no purpose.

"Not to mention we are both despised for who we are"

Uh, what? Since when was the moon despised? Everyone I know seem to like it. No one has declared any hostilities towards it.

"She suddenly realised that the strange feeling was coming from him.

She then smiled."

Smiling, eh? What a surprise...

Sorry to say, this chapter failed in comparison to the first one. It felt shallow, and you used nouns too oftne to start your sentences. There was little substance and the text is still bold.

The paragraphs are well sized however, so that is good.

I won't be reading onwards. Sorry.

- Fractured Illusion
8/8/2007 c1 Fractured Illusion
Interesting beginning, it really is (not just saying that). BUT why having it bold? It's completely unnecessary.

And why have such a long paragpraph? Generally, don't have a paragprah last for more than 5 lines. Yup. ONLY five or people will turn away (like I almost did).

also, you start a lot of your sentences with "she". This gets repetitive and boring, so try to spice it up, eh?

Otherwise I liked it. Lets see where this goes!

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