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2/5/2008 c4 5clair-a-net
I thought the chapter was good. Your still introducing the characters and the background store so dont be so hard on your self. The more you write the better it gets. update soon.
2/4/2008 c4 6Carmel March
Even though it's been awhile since I've been on Fictionpress, I've definitely not forgotten this story. I'm loving it! It's this kind of story that keeps me coming back for more. So, I hope to see more from you soon :)

~Carm~
1/6/2008 c4 Rudos
Thank you for this story. I like it very much.
1/5/2008 c4 twinklegoesthesea
more pleases
11/11/2007 c3 Carmel March
I'm here, I'm here! I'm still alive! Sorry I took so long to read and review! Time is an issue these days.

Really wonderful job you're doing, as always. I was so glad to see an update in my inbox. So, keep up this superamazingness. I can't wait to read more :)

~Carm~
8/17/2007 c2 5clair-a-net
they sound like typical guys. update soon
8/13/2007 c1 2C. N. Sweatt
Strangely enough, I'm friends with an Ian Morgan...how wierd. Good job, my dear! Fantastic!
8/12/2007 c2 6Carmel March
Lovely chapter. The way you pay attention to detail is excellent. And the plot seems to be taking off. Keep up the amazing work, and update soon!

~Carm~
8/11/2007 c1 Carmel March
Wonderful start to the story. I like how you've developed the characters so far. They seem real, believable. I can't wait for more of this :)

~Carm~
8/6/2007 c1 11Everything to you
I guess I can now say how people feel when they read the first couple chapters of my story. It's not that interesting. Well don't worry it gets a lot better and interesting as you keep writing so don't give up hope. I think the only reason I'm going to keep reading is because I'm a very nosy person so I want to see what happens.
8/5/2007 c1 6concerto49
I said I was going to review it on my 101 reply. In essence, I've been going around giving people so constructive reviews as I've been annoyed at how often many people make the same mistakes. Then I agree - wonder how like some of the works here that aren't that good get so many fans with the "update soon" words often. I wish I had them. Instead, I'm doing things the hard way to earn things.

I agree that the summary is cliched - then in fact, most of the cliche ones sell better - somehow they get more reviews. I tried something very innovative and insightful, yet sounds like it turns people down.

Okay, as far as the intro goes, even just the first paragraph was boring. Maybe people didn't even finish reading. You started off describing every detail the main character did, which was mostly irrelevant. Try to capture what's important. Like it could have been more concise. Some of it was rather reptitive too. Intros are meant to be catchy and attention seeking - so do something explosive and gripping that would make the readers hooked right from the start. Something that would make them think and go woah, I must read on.

There was a lot of telling and not showing as well. Like you said she didn't want to go to class and all, and pointed too much out without the character actually portraying it. It could have been more emotional and the character trying to express her feelings.

It lacked some in-depth description more than just listing things in a simple level. Like the setting and the characters could be explored more as well. Perhaps you could have expressed the dialogue in a smarter way. Like I could see where you'll getting at and all, but it's not striking, and punchy. I felt it was a touch rushy too.

Anyhow. Since you asked why. I gave my opinion. It's good to ask. Be brave. At least you don't sit there wondering and instead you get answers. There's so many out there, we really have to do something really different to win. Cheers.
7/19/2007 c1 5clair-a-net
interesting. So why do they want her to return to england? and why dont her and her brother get along? update soon.

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