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for A short story about love

3/9/2012 c1 Fabulous as FCUK
12/29/2010 c1 horse4ever
write another story

that was good
4/17/2009 c1 38Poems To The End
Aww cute

There i a few splling mistakes but other than that its a lovly story
3/1/2009 c1 ChristianAngel01
aww I loved it! awesome short story :D
11/16/2007 c1 3JGoddess
It was lovely... =]
7/18/2007 c1 nolongerwritinghere1234560982
Much better, but now we must work on the grammer, by dear. Yes, I know, I'm horrible, but you will thank me some day when you are a world famous author. Yeah that writing on fiction press taught me everything I know.*cough* Anyway, you need to watch you typos. There are quite a few. Slow down, you don't have to write the whole thing in four hours. You're missing comas, periods, and quote marks in quite a few places. Also snynonims(which I spelt wrong but I beleive you can read it) You reuse words a lot. Sometimes in the course of three sentinces. This is not good. It makes it sound boring and repetitive. You do this mostly during the love scene. I'll have you know right now there is nothing wrong with using the scientfic names for those parts of the body.The english language has many words.Use them. Don't use to many of course, because that is just as bad and annoying. Also, don't use modern slang and quotes inside the text. Talking and thoughts is fine, but when describing don't.

Also you need to describe more what Damian looks like. He's kind of blurry. I don't know how she feels when she sees him naked. I know she feels awkward, but describe how he looks through her eyes. Obviously there are some er, awkward parts that her eyes are drawn to. That could add a little something to his personality. Does he feel smug about her looking there, or ill at ease. Stuff like that.

I know there is more, but I can't think of it.

Have you ever heard of a beta reader? It's a person you send your stories to and they fix grammer and everything I listed above for you, while explaining it. That way you don't make the same mistakes and you have another eyes.

Just because you have a beta it doesn't mean you don't edit yourself. I beta cleans it up for you, see. A good way to edit is to read it out loud to yourself. You hear typos and all that easier because it ruins the flow of the story.

I strongly suggest you get a beta. I'm one myself. lol. So if you want PM me and I'll give you my email address.

DF over and out.
7/17/2007 c1 9jonsie2128
This is a very creative and well written story!I really enjoyed reading it! Very nice work!

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