for Jump or Run10/13/2008 c1 
1xilaberry
Overall, I liked the effect of the poem, but I do have a few comments.
1. The line "They are knocking" kind of bugs me. I can't quite tell what you're talking about. Are you talking about your knees or (for whatever reason) whoever is watching?
2. Why are you being watched? I like the idea behind the being watched, but I feel like I don't know enough to really understand and enjoy the poem.
3. The lines "Will she just jump in/ Get a little wet?/ Or will she run away/ Again?" bother me because of the change of perspective without explanation. I understand that this is the thoughts of the people watching, but the moment of hesitation when reading to make sure disturbs the flow of the poem.
4. The word "atremble," though not a real word, does work with the poem. it bothers me, though others probably like it.
5. The line "Unable to unfreeze" is a little awkward, mostly the word "unfreeze"
6. Again, an awkward line. This time the line "I see me clear as day"
7. Repeating the lines "Will she jump?/ Will she run?" only once doesn't work for me. I would either repeat it multiple times or not repeat it at all.
8. I find the last line very inconclusive. i don't get any feeling that this is the end of the poem, only that you want it to be. If you have more to say, keep writing. If you don't, get e decent ending
1xilaberryOverall, I liked the effect of the poem, but I do have a few comments.
1. The line "They are knocking" kind of bugs me. I can't quite tell what you're talking about. Are you talking about your knees or (for whatever reason) whoever is watching?
2. Why are you being watched? I like the idea behind the being watched, but I feel like I don't know enough to really understand and enjoy the poem.
3. The lines "Will she just jump in/ Get a little wet?/ Or will she run away/ Again?" bother me because of the change of perspective without explanation. I understand that this is the thoughts of the people watching, but the moment of hesitation when reading to make sure disturbs the flow of the poem.
4. The word "atremble," though not a real word, does work with the poem. it bothers me, though others probably like it.
5. The line "Unable to unfreeze" is a little awkward, mostly the word "unfreeze"
6. Again, an awkward line. This time the line "I see me clear as day"
7. Repeating the lines "Will she jump?/ Will she run?" only once doesn't work for me. I would either repeat it multiple times or not repeat it at all.
8. I find the last line very inconclusive. i don't get any feeling that this is the end of the poem, only that you want it to be. If you have more to say, keep writing. If you don't, get e decent ending
2/18/2008 c1 16Ds14
Very nice. I get a whole "endless loop" feeling from the constant indecision. So much is happening in the character's mind, yet they're physically frozen in one spot.
And long time no review, I'm sorry about that. I don't browse much unless I'm about to write or update something, so that'd explain why. Keep up the good work.
16Ds14Very nice. I get a whole "endless loop" feeling from the constant indecision. So much is happening in the character's mind, yet they're physically frozen in one spot.
And long time no review, I'm sorry about that. I don't browse much unless I'm about to write or update something, so that'd explain why. Keep up the good work.
8/9/2007 c1 Universal Empire
Really nice poem! I could relate it to a few times in my life. Great work!
Really nice poem! I could relate it to a few times in my life. Great work!
7/20/2007 c1 49thedarkthatiwas
Such a long time, and no see... I really must write some more. I wrote a couple of poems a month ago but haven't posted them.
Anyways, this new poem! [it's been such a long time since I've lurked on fictionpress, all my favourited people seem to have quit writing/fp...] I like it. it's well written, the feelings it invokes are... well, you know how bad I am at explaining stuff / reviewing, yep still xD
But it is a good poem. I know the feeling. yeah... I just like this poem. The standing at edge of a lake I see at definitely a metaphor for something else, undefined but could be many things. I can relate it back to a few things in my own life. Even taken as is I can relate.
...
Basically, it's a really nice poem, and I like it, and it's nice to see more from you! really great poem - I likes! muchly.
~aquila
49thedarkthatiwasSuch a long time, and no see... I really must write some more. I wrote a couple of poems a month ago but haven't posted them.
Anyways, this new poem! [it's been such a long time since I've lurked on fictionpress, all my favourited people seem to have quit writing/fp...] I like it. it's well written, the feelings it invokes are... well, you know how bad I am at explaining stuff / reviewing, yep still xD
But it is a good poem. I know the feeling. yeah... I just like this poem. The standing at edge of a lake I see at definitely a metaphor for something else, undefined but could be many things. I can relate it back to a few things in my own life. Even taken as is I can relate.
...
Basically, it's a really nice poem, and I like it, and it's nice to see more from you! really great poem - I likes! muchly.
~aquila