for The Golden Curse8/14/2009 c2 
1CJ Currie
Hi,
(Oh, and by the way, I don't want to sound bossy in my critique; I just try to use as few words as possible. Laziness, you see...)
I would avoid passive language, like in the beginning when you said things like "The mind was recalling" when you could say "The mind recalled." Although it may be a stylistic and/or tense thing.
I really like your use of alliteration here, too!
Did I ever mention that Alteng's full name always sounds like Alt-English to me?
Instead of "finery (which in this locality would still be called gaudy) of a smokey..." I would say "...finery: (...) a smokey gray shirt..." Note the colon.
Instead of "That work had been profitable..." say "The outside business had been profitable..." I was confused at first.
"extricating" is an A+ word. Kudos to you.
A leech on the codpiece to cure ED, eh?
Alteng did not announce his intention to retrieve the inkeeper and cook, so how did Narrinda know to hide in the chest? Explain that more.
Assuming that Deutsch (German?) was the one attacked by the board-with-nail, shouldn't he be dead, or at least more injured than just a gash on his forearm? If kobolds have even tougher skin than I thought, or if the nail was /really/ dull, let us know.
“No, I don’t want to make a one-handed doctor nervous when he’s using pointy objects on me.” Would be good with the follow-up "And trust me, I don't think either of us will want to be watching /this/."
"...the risk of implanting him with an ugly scar for the rest of his life." Under the circumstances, he'd be LUCKY to get only an ugly scar! Alteng is an amateur, right?
To show that the operation mentioned at the end is in addition to what Deutsch had, say "a little [more] operation might do Alteng some good[, too]."
The reason I got so picky is because this is so good! I only get in-depth with the stories I like. My only real advice to you (besides fixing the Narrinda-in-chest logic problem) is to beware the line between serious and funny. Your character dialog can have all the humor you want in it without compromising the tone of the piece, but if you use blurbs like the "(with more needles and a rusty axe)" part in your narrative you will start to pull your tone away from the somber mood of the previous chapter. This is fine if it is used solely as contrast or as a purposeful change, though.
Thanks,
-CJ
1CJ CurrieHi,
(Oh, and by the way, I don't want to sound bossy in my critique; I just try to use as few words as possible. Laziness, you see...)
I would avoid passive language, like in the beginning when you said things like "The mind was recalling" when you could say "The mind recalled." Although it may be a stylistic and/or tense thing.
I really like your use of alliteration here, too!
Did I ever mention that Alteng's full name always sounds like Alt-English to me?
Instead of "finery (which in this locality would still be called gaudy) of a smokey..." I would say "...finery: (...) a smokey gray shirt..." Note the colon.
Instead of "That work had been profitable..." say "The outside business had been profitable..." I was confused at first.
"extricating" is an A+ word. Kudos to you.
A leech on the codpiece to cure ED, eh?
Alteng did not announce his intention to retrieve the inkeeper and cook, so how did Narrinda know to hide in the chest? Explain that more.
Assuming that Deutsch (German?) was the one attacked by the board-with-nail, shouldn't he be dead, or at least more injured than just a gash on his forearm? If kobolds have even tougher skin than I thought, or if the nail was /really/ dull, let us know.
“No, I don’t want to make a one-handed doctor nervous when he’s using pointy objects on me.” Would be good with the follow-up "And trust me, I don't think either of us will want to be watching /this/."
"...the risk of implanting him with an ugly scar for the rest of his life." Under the circumstances, he'd be LUCKY to get only an ugly scar! Alteng is an amateur, right?
To show that the operation mentioned at the end is in addition to what Deutsch had, say "a little [more] operation might do Alteng some good[, too]."
The reason I got so picky is because this is so good! I only get in-depth with the stories I like. My only real advice to you (besides fixing the Narrinda-in-chest logic problem) is to beware the line between serious and funny. Your character dialog can have all the humor you want in it without compromising the tone of the piece, but if you use blurbs like the "(with more needles and a rusty axe)" part in your narrative you will start to pull your tone away from the somber mood of the previous chapter. This is fine if it is used solely as contrast or as a purposeful change, though.
Thanks,
-CJ
8/14/2009 c1 CJ Currie
On the whole, well told, although some of the (parenthetical addendums) seemed to deviate from your standard narrative form - But it was interesting.
If you are going to 'write in' an accent, make sure it's consistent. People who say 'ye' usually always use 'ye'. ["We’ll deal with you worse than him if you don’t get out!"]
When using onomatopoeia, ["BOOM".] I believe the standard is to use italics so everyone knows it wasn't a character who actually /said/ boom. Also, periods always go inside quotation marks : D
A little piece of trivia: "The Little Death" is a French phrase for "orgasm". ["...the Little Death come to take him away."] I don't know if it was on purpose or not, but it was funny.
I look forward to reading more,
-CJ
On the whole, well told, although some of the (parenthetical addendums) seemed to deviate from your standard narrative form - But it was interesting.
If you are going to 'write in' an accent, make sure it's consistent. People who say 'ye' usually always use 'ye'. ["We’ll deal with you worse than him if you don’t get out!"]
When using onomatopoeia, ["BOOM".] I believe the standard is to use italics so everyone knows it wasn't a character who actually /said/ boom. Also, periods always go inside quotation marks : D
A little piece of trivia: "The Little Death" is a French phrase for "orgasm". ["...the Little Death come to take him away."] I don't know if it was on purpose or not, but it was funny.
I look forward to reading more,
-CJ
7/3/2009 c4 9Alteng
I think Alteng would have had to say something about if there was a lady available, where upon, Narrinda would have to thrash him.
I'm surprised that I was able to squeeze some time in this evening for this, but here I am.
You have a paragraph of a rather long run-in sentence that I am so famous for. I believe it is the one that you describe Narrinda's background.
Also, I would have thought that Klaus would have had some kind of reaction to Narrinda in a negative way. Her appearance, regardless of seeing the bare bones or not, is still a frightening thing.
Alteng would also be just a tad disappointed that he didn't get a chance to kill the scoundrel.
9AltengI think Alteng would have had to say something about if there was a lady available, where upon, Narrinda would have to thrash him.
I'm surprised that I was able to squeeze some time in this evening for this, but here I am.
You have a paragraph of a rather long run-in sentence that I am so famous for. I believe it is the one that you describe Narrinda's background.
Also, I would have thought that Klaus would have had some kind of reaction to Narrinda in a negative way. Her appearance, regardless of seeing the bare bones or not, is still a frightening thing.
Alteng would also be just a tad disappointed that he didn't get a chance to kill the scoundrel.
7/3/2009 c4 9Narq
First word: "Nighttime" I think it's two words.
You've got good use of dialogue here - it really shows Narrinda's personality and brings the whole chapter to life!
"A sharp smile carved itself across Alteng’s features. “Oh, he will sing like a nightingale under my tender care.” With one hand he yanked on the back of Klaus’ tangled hair. “Here you...” he began, “Talk to me or I’ll hack your head off.”" Omph... careful Alteng, you might pull all the poor creatures' hair off - and he'll be bald!
Anyways, this is a really nice chapter and I liked the way you was able to bring in the characters from your describing at the start and them just build it up from there.
Great work!
9NarqFirst word: "Nighttime" I think it's two words.
You've got good use of dialogue here - it really shows Narrinda's personality and brings the whole chapter to life!
"A sharp smile carved itself across Alteng’s features. “Oh, he will sing like a nightingale under my tender care.” With one hand he yanked on the back of Klaus’ tangled hair. “Here you...” he began, “Talk to me or I’ll hack your head off.”" Omph... careful Alteng, you might pull all the poor creatures' hair off - and he'll be bald!
Anyways, this is a really nice chapter and I liked the way you was able to bring in the characters from your describing at the start and them just build it up from there.
Great work!
6/3/2009 c3 Narq
Yes! What you did at the first half of this chapter was exactly what I was talking about on the previous review I wrote.
The action scene was WONDERFUL! I was sitting at th edge of my seat and hardly breathing! GREAT! oh, but you might want to keep the sentences short to add the tension.
Narq.
Yes! What you did at the first half of this chapter was exactly what I was talking about on the previous review I wrote.
The action scene was WONDERFUL! I was sitting at th edge of my seat and hardly breathing! GREAT! oh, but you might want to keep the sentences short to add the tension.
Narq.
6/3/2009 c2 Narq
I enjoyed this chapter again, but I'd have liked to see a bit more diversity with dialogue and detail of the scene. If you look at this chapter for example, you have a lot of detail at the first half - and then at the end you have a lot of dialogue. It would be better, or, for me personally anyways, if you merged these two together.
OK, on to the next chappie!
I enjoyed this chapter again, but I'd have liked to see a bit more diversity with dialogue and detail of the scene. If you look at this chapter for example, you have a lot of detail at the first half - and then at the end you have a lot of dialogue. It would be better, or, for me personally anyways, if you merged these two together.
OK, on to the next chappie!
6/3/2009 c1 Narq
Wow, very thorough detailed. I like your writing very much. It reminds me a lot of Alteng's style, actually ^^ You two would probably be soul-mates, if I may say so ;)
Great work!
Narq
Wow, very thorough detailed. I like your writing very much. It reminds me a lot of Alteng's style, actually ^^ You two would probably be soul-mates, if I may say so ;)
Great work!
Narq
8/3/2007 c1 9Alteng
Okay, I am making my way through the list of emails, and I finally got here.
Nice added description on the grey suit man.
I am not sure that Narrinda would sob at the sight of Deutsch being beaten up like this, but it could well be related to a gasp.
And Alteng is going to be majorly pissed!
9AltengOkay, I am making my way through the list of emails, and I finally got here.
Nice added description on the grey suit man.
I am not sure that Narrinda would sob at the sight of Deutsch being beaten up like this, but it could well be related to a gasp.
And Alteng is going to be majorly pissed!