for Lady Hel's Kiss7/11/2008 c1 
10TheMonomaniacalGoblin
This is really awesome so far- the fight scenes were awesome, not overdone, and not too skimpy. I loved the beginning and ending paragraphs, really, the whole thing tied together so well, and everything fits so perfectly (:
That said, time for my little nitpicks: third paragraph, "cieling" is spelled ceiling. :/ I think that`s it, actually! The spelling and grammer was really good, as was the imagery, etc.
And Yakuza- I was always under the impression they were professional hitmen, the type a bussinessmen would hire to capture, or elimanate competition. So gangsters might bring the wrong connotation. I might be wrong though. (: I`ll get to the otehr chapters later.
Peace! .theSCREAMINGgoblin.
10TheMonomaniacalGoblinThis is really awesome so far- the fight scenes were awesome, not overdone, and not too skimpy. I loved the beginning and ending paragraphs, really, the whole thing tied together so well, and everything fits so perfectly (:
That said, time for my little nitpicks: third paragraph, "cieling" is spelled ceiling. :/ I think that`s it, actually! The spelling and grammer was really good, as was the imagery, etc.
And Yakuza- I was always under the impression they were professional hitmen, the type a bussinessmen would hire to capture, or elimanate competition. So gangsters might bring the wrong connotation. I might be wrong though. (: I`ll get to the otehr chapters later.
Peace! .theSCREAMINGgoblin.
6/21/2008 c5 nadljfaithglingh
This chapter reads differently than the other four, to me. It fits, though. I enjoyed reading how you got into your characters' minds. Nice work :)
This chapter reads differently than the other four, to me. It fits, though. I enjoyed reading how you got into your characters' minds. Nice work :)
6/21/2008 c1 nadljfaithglingh
(Sorry it's taken so long for me to respond!)
Let's see...okay, I think the strong and weak points in this chapter are one in the same. I really enjoy some of your descriptions, they make the story very vivid and real in my mind. However, I feel like it's too descriptive at points when it should be quick, raw and fast, like in some parts of the fight scenes. (It doesn't detract too much from the story, but I, being myself, found my attention wandering several times.)
Then again, I am an ardent convert to "less is more", so you can take it however you like :)
I really liked how you tied in the end with the start, build-up and all. Great job there! Okay, off to finish the story...
(Oh, and editing notice: you misspelled "destroy" in the first paragraph or so. That's just me being anal retentive, sorry!)
:)
(Sorry it's taken so long for me to respond!)
Let's see...okay, I think the strong and weak points in this chapter are one in the same. I really enjoy some of your descriptions, they make the story very vivid and real in my mind. However, I feel like it's too descriptive at points when it should be quick, raw and fast, like in some parts of the fight scenes. (It doesn't detract too much from the story, but I, being myself, found my attention wandering several times.)
Then again, I am an ardent convert to "less is more", so you can take it however you like :)
I really liked how you tied in the end with the start, build-up and all. Great job there! Okay, off to finish the story...
(Oh, and editing notice: you misspelled "destroy" in the first paragraph or so. That's just me being anal retentive, sorry!)
:)
12/17/2007 c3 22BeautifulAssassin
Review game!
Chapter one: I thought the first paragraph was good...a little confusing, but a good start, and it got me interested. Your vocabulary was a little too 'flowery', and didn't really go with the charecter, although I thought the action sequece (basicly the whole chapter) was well described - I could almost picture it, which is a good thing.
Chapter two: Um...shje? Sorry, but if you have a spell-checker, you shoiuldn't have things like that in there...on a more positive side...I liked the charecter development...it was interesting to hear her backstory.
Chapter three: again, some of the voacbulary was a bit confusing - "The demon-child's harassment did not stop, not even upon illiciting tears from my weakened child-like mind. He only stopped at the sight of my protector; my knight in shining armor." - but maybe thats the way you write.
I thought the brother was intersting - you say you're going to make him the protagonist in the next chapter? However, I think you need to put some more description in, because, even three chapters in, I still have no idea what anybody looks like. The emotions are well described, though.
And that was just about the longest reveiw I have ever written. I hope it wasn't too critical, i did try and balence things out. Anyways...you've got some talent - keep writing!
22BeautifulAssassinReview game!
Chapter one: I thought the first paragraph was good...a little confusing, but a good start, and it got me interested. Your vocabulary was a little too 'flowery', and didn't really go with the charecter, although I thought the action sequece (basicly the whole chapter) was well described - I could almost picture it, which is a good thing.
Chapter two: Um...shje? Sorry, but if you have a spell-checker, you shoiuldn't have things like that in there...on a more positive side...I liked the charecter development...it was interesting to hear her backstory.
Chapter three: again, some of the voacbulary was a bit confusing - "The demon-child's harassment did not stop, not even upon illiciting tears from my weakened child-like mind. He only stopped at the sight of my protector; my knight in shining armor." - but maybe thats the way you write.
I thought the brother was intersting - you say you're going to make him the protagonist in the next chapter? However, I think you need to put some more description in, because, even three chapters in, I still have no idea what anybody looks like. The emotions are well described, though.
And that was just about the longest reveiw I have ever written. I hope it wasn't too critical, i did try and balence things out. Anyways...you've got some talent - keep writing!
9/21/2007 c2 1Narc
You start with present tense and then switch to past in the first two paragraphs. Everthing from 'Hard to believe it's ...' to 'but nobody believes me' needs to be in the past tense.
Please spell-check. There's no reason things like 'shje' should pop up.
You're overwriting quite a bit. Flowery phrases like 'naught but a sea of despair' and 'ready to escort me to demise' are grating to read and don't match the tone of the narrator who says things like 'It just pisses me off.' Also, I would recommend cutting back on the use of italics. If you overuse things like that to emphasize the word, it loses its effect when you really need it. There's a lot of different ways to emphasize things, such as putting significant lines in their own paragraph, or at least their own sentence.
'Suddenly, unexpectantly, I wrapped the chain'
Adverbs like 'suddenly' and 'unexpectantly' are an example of telling the reader something you should be showing. Give the reader a feeling of the suddenness of it by the way you write. Start a new paragraph. Slow down the scene by adding some more description and then bring it up to full speed with quick actions. Words like 'suddenly' are kind of a cop-out.
Try to avoid 'began' in an action scene. It gives the impression that people are acting languidly because it makes the scene lose a sense of immediacy. Look at those instances where you use it and see if it still sounds right without them. 'The woman in my grasp wriggled to escape, but I applied pressure to her throat' is much more immediate without the 'began' and keeps the pacing up.
I thought you wrote some witty dialogue. Just try not to fall into the trap of always having your character speak in witty phrases. It can get annoying.
You did a good job in the scene where she was talking about her past and making it clear what was part of the story and what was happening in the present.
One thing ... until I read the note at the bottom of chapter one and the bottom of this chapter, I had absolutely no idea whether or not this POV character was female. I only suspected when the story started, but it still could have been a man talking about a woman he avenged.
1NarcYou start with present tense and then switch to past in the first two paragraphs. Everthing from 'Hard to believe it's ...' to 'but nobody believes me' needs to be in the past tense.
Please spell-check. There's no reason things like 'shje' should pop up.
You're overwriting quite a bit. Flowery phrases like 'naught but a sea of despair' and 'ready to escort me to demise' are grating to read and don't match the tone of the narrator who says things like 'It just pisses me off.' Also, I would recommend cutting back on the use of italics. If you overuse things like that to emphasize the word, it loses its effect when you really need it. There's a lot of different ways to emphasize things, such as putting significant lines in their own paragraph, or at least their own sentence.
'Suddenly, unexpectantly, I wrapped the chain'
Adverbs like 'suddenly' and 'unexpectantly' are an example of telling the reader something you should be showing. Give the reader a feeling of the suddenness of it by the way you write. Start a new paragraph. Slow down the scene by adding some more description and then bring it up to full speed with quick actions. Words like 'suddenly' are kind of a cop-out.
Try to avoid 'began' in an action scene. It gives the impression that people are acting languidly because it makes the scene lose a sense of immediacy. Look at those instances where you use it and see if it still sounds right without them. 'The woman in my grasp wriggled to escape, but I applied pressure to her throat' is much more immediate without the 'began' and keeps the pacing up.
I thought you wrote some witty dialogue. Just try not to fall into the trap of always having your character speak in witty phrases. It can get annoying.
You did a good job in the scene where she was talking about her past and making it clear what was part of the story and what was happening in the present.
One thing ... until I read the note at the bottom of chapter one and the bottom of this chapter, I had absolutely no idea whether or not this POV character was female. I only suspected when the story started, but it still could have been a man talking about a woman he avenged.
9/16/2007 c2 Twilight Starr
That poor girl. That's so sad.
You descibed her emotions very well.
~Twilight Starr~
That poor girl. That's so sad.
You descibed her emotions very well.
~Twilight Starr~
9/16/2007 c1 Twilight Starr
Good start. She's very violent.
This story has potential.
Looking forward to more.
Good luck with writing and this story. :)
~Twilight Starr~
Good start. She's very violent.
This story has potential.
Looking forward to more.
Good luck with writing and this story. :)
~Twilight Starr~
9/7/2007 c2 Elvaroste
I like how you facilitate the motif of the number 'one' in the first chapter. It throws in some literary interest and it's a good start to the story. Will you be continuing the number motif? I think it would be good to, actually. ^^
The prisoner being female was rather unexpected... o_o
The story the prisoner (Amanda?) told was very cliched, but it's fine in the context it was told.
Overall, other than the typos, this story is interesting and, well, gruesome, but hey - it's M-rated action so no complaints there.
Good job! I'll be checking back for more. (:
I like how you facilitate the motif of the number 'one' in the first chapter. It throws in some literary interest and it's a good start to the story. Will you be continuing the number motif? I think it would be good to, actually. ^^
The prisoner being female was rather unexpected... o_o
The story the prisoner (Amanda?) told was very cliched, but it's fine in the context it was told.
Overall, other than the typos, this story is interesting and, well, gruesome, but hey - it's M-rated action so no complaints there.
Good job! I'll be checking back for more. (:
8/24/2007 c2 10DarkBlysse
AHH! Review Game!
"This penal facility1... "-Do you need the '1' in there? *poke*
"I needed an escape any kind of escape would be...'-You should put a comma after the first 'escape'.
"...something tough, Instead, her jaw nearly hit the floor."-You accidentally capitalized 'instead'.
"...as these things tend to do..."-You don't need the 'do'.
"...she's dead..."-Okay, generally people use italics and not bold to emphasize words.
"That night, they cried together and Over time..."-Mis-capitalized 'over'.
"touching, Isn't it?"-Check your capitalization here again.
"Shje looked to him..."-Nix the 'j'.
Wow, aside from the grammar mistakes, this was wonderfully done. Sick, and shocking in some parts (though in a good way), but also very touching.
10DarkBlysseAHH! Review Game!
"This penal facility1... "-Do you need the '1' in there? *poke*
"I needed an escape any kind of escape would be...'-You should put a comma after the first 'escape'.
"...something tough, Instead, her jaw nearly hit the floor."-You accidentally capitalized 'instead'.
"...as these things tend to do..."-You don't need the 'do'.
"...she's dead..."-Okay, generally people use italics and not bold to emphasize words.
"That night, they cried together and Over time..."-Mis-capitalized 'over'.
"touching, Isn't it?"-Check your capitalization here again.
"Shje looked to him..."-Nix the 'j'.
Wow, aside from the grammar mistakes, this was wonderfully done. Sick, and shocking in some parts (though in a good way), but also very touching.
8/24/2007 c2 Fractured Illusion
Okies, I am back from watching me movie! ("Lady in the Water"). Onto the review (of your story. Not the movie):
"This penal facility1"
Nooes, what is that 1 doing there, defiling the words? :O Ok, I'll stop overreacting... Ahem... But don't add numbers. If there is something you want to say in the AN, just have it said there. No need for numbers that disrupts the story.
"an escape[,] any kind"
"This day would bring me mine"
I don't get the sentence, so maybe rephrasing it? Yes? Or stupify it in a review reply?
"Rediculous" *Ridiculous*
" The third guatrd" * I trust you to know what is wrong with the rest :P
" wecoming him back"
"Shje looked"
"The thrid shot"
Anyhow, do you know how much more interesting this chapter is instead of the first one? I mean, really! It is! We see attitude, we see thoughts, and the dialog is interesting. This would make for a stronger first chapter, I think. Unless the first chapter was of a different guy than this one, you'd do yourself a favor by opening with this.
"and Over time"
Why the O instead of o? O.o
It strikes me as odd that no one of the guards tries to get to him while he rambles. That is a particularly weak moment he has because then he focuses more on telling that on observing, so he could slip.
And OMG I just realized that the prisoner was a GIRL! :O *had honestly no clue* Whoa. Cool. And creepy.
Well done chapter! Suggestion: Shorten the part in which she tells the beginning of her story to the guards. Otherwise this was a-okay.
And man, you need to spell check! You sometimes have a habit of adding some weirdo letter by accident, that can easily picked up! So please do that before posting. Eliminate all flaws possible ^^
(Hopefully you won't get too annoyed by my nit-picking. This chapter was however too cool to have such mistakes in it)
I can honestly say I am interested now! But you killed her off! . *shakes fist* Darn you!
- Frac
Okies, I am back from watching me movie! ("Lady in the Water"). Onto the review (of your story. Not the movie):
"This penal facility1"
Nooes, what is that 1 doing there, defiling the words? :O Ok, I'll stop overreacting... Ahem... But don't add numbers. If there is something you want to say in the AN, just have it said there. No need for numbers that disrupts the story.
"an escape[,] any kind"
"This day would bring me mine"
I don't get the sentence, so maybe rephrasing it? Yes? Or stupify it in a review reply?
"Rediculous" *Ridiculous*
" The third guatrd" * I trust you to know what is wrong with the rest :P
" wecoming him back"
"Shje looked"
"The thrid shot"
Anyhow, do you know how much more interesting this chapter is instead of the first one? I mean, really! It is! We see attitude, we see thoughts, and the dialog is interesting. This would make for a stronger first chapter, I think. Unless the first chapter was of a different guy than this one, you'd do yourself a favor by opening with this.
"and Over time"
Why the O instead of o? O.o
It strikes me as odd that no one of the guards tries to get to him while he rambles. That is a particularly weak moment he has because then he focuses more on telling that on observing, so he could slip.
And OMG I just realized that the prisoner was a GIRL! :O *had honestly no clue* Whoa. Cool. And creepy.
Well done chapter! Suggestion: Shorten the part in which she tells the beginning of her story to the guards. Otherwise this was a-okay.
And man, you need to spell check! You sometimes have a habit of adding some weirdo letter by accident, that can easily picked up! So please do that before posting. Eliminate all flaws possible ^^
(Hopefully you won't get too annoyed by my nit-picking. This chapter was however too cool to have such mistakes in it)
I can honestly say I am interested now! But you killed her off! . *shakes fist* Darn you!
- Frac
8/18/2007 c1 Fractured Illusion
"onhe hour"
shouldn't it be "one"?
"I would know, In one instant"
the 'i' to be capitalized in "in" seemed excessive and unnecessary
"persuers.It was"
I'm being picky here, but I always am: Stylistic error. Missing a space between the period and It
"the injured yakuza reaching for his pistol. In an instant, I shifted my aim to the injured man" and later "fresh corpse of the injured yakuza."
*injured*, *injured*, *injured*. Unnecessary repetition. Especially in combination with calling him a yakuza
"immobilized.The cold " another stylistic error, in which you missed a space after the period.
I think its wrong to mention the yakuza yet not tell in the author note what they are. I knew, but like your prior reviewer, he/she didn't.
Also, you start way too many sentences with nouns (ie, 'I' and 'the' being your favorites) and that gets repetitive. Try to vary the way you begin your sentences.
I liked the first paragraph and how it tied together with the end. Sadly I did not find myself enjoying what was between. Just a bunch of action with people I did not care about. It was so obtuse and random, my interest wasn't quite piqued. What need to do is *make it my business*.
Give me a reason (in the story, of course) to care about this nameless man, and why he is fighting other nameless men for seemingly no reason. Yet that you did not give, which was your major fault.
I strongly suggest you lower the rating to a T, so more people can see the story. So far, it is not M, and what has happened so far in the posted chapters are all that counts (it can be raised later if necessary).
(and if it is of a Norse goddess of death, why isn't this in the mythology section? Just curious)
Good luck!
- Frac
"onhe hour"
shouldn't it be "one"?
"I would know, In one instant"
the 'i' to be capitalized in "in" seemed excessive and unnecessary
"persuers.It was"
I'm being picky here, but I always am: Stylistic error. Missing a space between the period and It
"the injured yakuza reaching for his pistol. In an instant, I shifted my aim to the injured man" and later "fresh corpse of the injured yakuza."
*injured*, *injured*, *injured*. Unnecessary repetition. Especially in combination with calling him a yakuza
"immobilized.The cold " another stylistic error, in which you missed a space after the period.
I think its wrong to mention the yakuza yet not tell in the author note what they are. I knew, but like your prior reviewer, he/she didn't.
Also, you start way too many sentences with nouns (ie, 'I' and 'the' being your favorites) and that gets repetitive. Try to vary the way you begin your sentences.
I liked the first paragraph and how it tied together with the end. Sadly I did not find myself enjoying what was between. Just a bunch of action with people I did not care about. It was so obtuse and random, my interest wasn't quite piqued. What need to do is *make it my business*.
Give me a reason (in the story, of course) to care about this nameless man, and why he is fighting other nameless men for seemingly no reason. Yet that you did not give, which was your major fault.
I strongly suggest you lower the rating to a T, so more people can see the story. So far, it is not M, and what has happened so far in the posted chapters are all that counts (it can be raised later if necessary).
(and if it is of a Norse goddess of death, why isn't this in the mythology section? Just curious)
Good luck!
- Frac
8/16/2007 c1 2InViSiBlE wOmAn
Well, I'me going to be honest: I didn't expect to like this story when I started it. There were certian characteristicts of it (nothing wrong with it just not what I usually like) that just weren't to my preferance. For example I had to look up the word Yakuza lol. I can Honestly say I loved it by the end of it! the beginning of the chapter fell perfectly into place with the conclusion of the chapter and you've got me hooked. Great suspence and action and other than a few spelling errors it was excellent! I'm not going to pick at your spelling or grammar very much either because that would be very hypocritical of me. Great job I'll be waiting for chapter two, and I seriously mean it.
2InViSiBlE wOmAnWell, I'me going to be honest: I didn't expect to like this story when I started it. There were certian characteristicts of it (nothing wrong with it just not what I usually like) that just weren't to my preferance. For example I had to look up the word Yakuza lol. I can Honestly say I loved it by the end of it! the beginning of the chapter fell perfectly into place with the conclusion of the chapter and you've got me hooked. Great suspence and action and other than a few spelling errors it was excellent! I'm not going to pick at your spelling or grammar very much either because that would be very hypocritical of me. Great job I'll be waiting for chapter two, and I seriously mean it.