for Midnight at the Crossroads6/12/2009 c3 
9Narq
A good example of my former critisism would be this: "Alteng’s sword came out in a flash, and he snarled a curse as he advanced like a rabid badger. “What about my wife? If you’ve done anything to Ther...”
If you'd had: "Alteng's sword came out in a flash. He snarled a curse. Advanced like a rabid badger..." See? the choppiness actually contributes to the anger that you want to show. Also, I loved the "rapid badger" imager. It was very vivid.
Narq.
9NarqA good example of my former critisism would be this: "Alteng’s sword came out in a flash, and he snarled a curse as he advanced like a rabid badger. “What about my wife? If you’ve done anything to Ther...”
If you'd had: "Alteng's sword came out in a flash. He snarled a curse. Advanced like a rabid badger..." See? the choppiness actually contributes to the anger that you want to show. Also, I loved the "rapid badger" imager. It was very vivid.
Narq.
6/12/2009 c2 Narq
This chapter was a felt a lot more action-packed since you had mixed dialogue and description together so it didn't become tedious. One thing I realised was you were trying to me a tense atmosphere at the start but you used long sentences which worked against you.
Just to take this sentence for example: "To be sure, it creaked and crackled ominously as he stepped slowly, and a length of planking about twenty feet across took him nearly a full minute to traverse." You could have chopped it up into many short sentences, adding to tension instead which would have kept the reader excited~
Great chapter!
Narq.
This chapter was a felt a lot more action-packed since you had mixed dialogue and description together so it didn't become tedious. One thing I realised was you were trying to me a tense atmosphere at the start but you used long sentences which worked against you.
Just to take this sentence for example: "To be sure, it creaked and crackled ominously as he stepped slowly, and a length of planking about twenty feet across took him nearly a full minute to traverse." You could have chopped it up into many short sentences, adding to tension instead which would have kept the reader excited~
Great chapter!
Narq.
6/12/2009 c1 Narq
You start this story with a series of long sentences. I think if you varied your sentences a bit it would make the piece a even more interesting to read. I understand what you're trying ot portray and your description really does paint the whole scenery to the reader, however too much at the start does tire the reader out and we are anxious to meet the character that you've introduced (I've already met him but I'mst just pretending I haven't).
This is a really interesting chapter overall and I'm going to go read the next.
Narq.
You start this story with a series of long sentences. I think if you varied your sentences a bit it would make the piece a even more interesting to read. I understand what you're trying ot portray and your description really does paint the whole scenery to the reader, however too much at the start does tire the reader out and we are anxious to meet the character that you've introduced (I've already met him but I'mst just pretending I haven't).
This is a really interesting chapter overall and I'm going to go read the next.
Narq.
4/12/2008 c3 9Alteng
Okay, I dragged my wreary butt home and read this, and you were in bed by the time I got home. So, Ptl! to you.
This story is taking a little different turn than you expected, eh? I thought Dolora was hoping for him to forget all about Narrinda.
As for Alteng's enemies, well, they would most likely not feel the same about him in the World of the Dead. With dying comes a sort of understanding, unless the soul is damned.
The dead don't hunger, unless they are cursed to. Olivier was cursed in such a way, but given one of his crimes, this was rather proper after all. The dead can eat if they so choose. There is some pleasure in eating especially something good.
And Alteng would be leary or eating anything in the World of the Dead because of the tale of Peresphone and other stories that speak of eating the foods of other worlds.
All the same, I did like that Alteng did manage to get under Dolora's skin. That was amusing.
9AltengOkay, I dragged my wreary butt home and read this, and you were in bed by the time I got home. So, Ptl! to you.
This story is taking a little different turn than you expected, eh? I thought Dolora was hoping for him to forget all about Narrinda.
As for Alteng's enemies, well, they would most likely not feel the same about him in the World of the Dead. With dying comes a sort of understanding, unless the soul is damned.
The dead don't hunger, unless they are cursed to. Olivier was cursed in such a way, but given one of his crimes, this was rather proper after all. The dead can eat if they so choose. There is some pleasure in eating especially something good.
And Alteng would be leary or eating anything in the World of the Dead because of the tale of Peresphone and other stories that speak of eating the foods of other worlds.
All the same, I did like that Alteng did manage to get under Dolora's skin. That was amusing.