for How Can You Miss Something You Never Had?11/3/2007 c1 uh
"Thankfully she only had to wait another 2 minutes until the rest of the students came rushing up the stairs, and as people ran by they made her long, flat, thin, blonde hair swish into her blue eyes. Now you may be picturing her as being really pretty—as people often do-but truthfully, she was average height and had very average looks. However, she was anything but average, and she loved appearing though she was, because it made everything so much easier. But you’ll understand that in a second."
That paragraph... that paragraph... it's just, well, bad. Very bad. By reading that I could tell your age- eighth grade, not surprising- and I knew you were young. Now, being young in itself is not a bad thing, but your writing is young. You probably read a lot of stories on this site. Again, not a bad thing, but you most likely have picked up the terrible habits of the other not-so-good writers on this site. This a cliched mess. You tried not to be cliched in this parapraph (which exemplifies immature writing), and it shows. Unfortuanately.
I'd say scrap this and start again.
"Thankfully she only had to wait another 2 minutes until the rest of the students came rushing up the stairs, and as people ran by they made her long, flat, thin, blonde hair swish into her blue eyes. Now you may be picturing her as being really pretty—as people often do-but truthfully, she was average height and had very average looks. However, she was anything but average, and she loved appearing though she was, because it made everything so much easier. But you’ll understand that in a second."
That paragraph... that paragraph... it's just, well, bad. Very bad. By reading that I could tell your age- eighth grade, not surprising- and I knew you were young. Now, being young in itself is not a bad thing, but your writing is young. You probably read a lot of stories on this site. Again, not a bad thing, but you most likely have picked up the terrible habits of the other not-so-good writers on this site. This a cliched mess. You tried not to be cliched in this parapraph (which exemplifies immature writing), and it shows. Unfortuanately.
I'd say scrap this and start again.
9/16/2007 c1 
2Hotari-chan
You've got a great start to this story. I really like it so far. You were very meticulous in not making many mistakes. It's an easy, funny read. I'm anticipating the next chapter!
2Hotari-chanYou've got a great start to this story. I really like it so far. You were very meticulous in not making many mistakes. It's an easy, funny read. I'm anticipating the next chapter!
8/26/2007 c2 6Sobriquets
I think the second chapter is better. It definitely explains things. I can't wait for the third ^.^ -Katie
6SobriquetsI think the second chapter is better. It definitely explains things. I can't wait for the third ^.^ -Katie
8/26/2007 c2 19ihrtbks
They meet! Yay! I love the part about Sven missing his class; I just found that so so funny!
UPDATE SOON!
19ihrtbksThey meet! Yay! I love the part about Sven missing his class; I just found that so so funny!
UPDATE SOON!
8/21/2007 c1 Sophie Ulquiorra Allen
Hm, an interesting premise, I suppose (I'm not one for teen fiction) but your sentences are quite choppy and there are several grammatical errors littered throughout. Sometimes you don't add commas where there should be, and other small things like that. I would appreciate more characterization, but I suppose since this is the first chapter I will let you get away with a minimal amount.
Hm, you have my story: Three Morticians and a Murder, marked down on our favorites. Do you think you could actually give me a review? I would like to know what you think of it.
Hm, an interesting premise, I suppose (I'm not one for teen fiction) but your sentences are quite choppy and there are several grammatical errors littered throughout. Sometimes you don't add commas where there should be, and other small things like that. I would appreciate more characterization, but I suppose since this is the first chapter I will let you get away with a minimal amount.
Hm, you have my story: Three Morticians and a Murder, marked down on our favorites. Do you think you could actually give me a review? I would like to know what you think of it.
8/18/2007 c1 ihrtbks
Amusing. Poor Rory, even the teachers don't notice her... But the dog collar prank was entertaining. Can't wait to see more of Sven!
UPDATE SOON!
Amusing. Poor Rory, even the teachers don't notice her... But the dog collar prank was entertaining. Can't wait to see more of Sven!
UPDATE SOON!
8/17/2007 c1 6Sobriquets
There's something missing from your story. Its seems almost passive, but its not. I think whats missing is detail. You added detail to the story but only enough to get to the point you wanted to. I think maybe you should describe the school or maybe Rory's outfit, anything that just adds to the setting/back ground. I also think that the dog collar prank was unrealistic. But you never know. I think your story has potential. I'll keep reading! ^.^ (and reviewing)
6SobriquetsThere's something missing from your story. Its seems almost passive, but its not. I think whats missing is detail. You added detail to the story but only enough to get to the point you wanted to. I think maybe you should describe the school or maybe Rory's outfit, anything that just adds to the setting/back ground. I also think that the dog collar prank was unrealistic. But you never know. I think your story has potential. I'll keep reading! ^.^ (and reviewing)