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8/22/2007 c1 killaccount
One word: beta. Since I like your story line/plot/style, I'm offering. But whether you take me up on the offer or not, you either need to get one or start re-reading your stories. I know it's gets annoying after a while and the words start doing the can-can, but there are enough spelling/grammar mistakes here to actively detract from the story.

Like I was said, I like the idea you have here, and with a few touch ups it could turn out to be a respectable first chapter. As the previous reviewer said, you really should break up your paragraphs. A good rule is to start a new "paragraph" with the beginning of each quote, so it doesn't get all muddled up.

And this is just a pet peeve of mine, but I hate it when I see bolded words in the middle of a story. Song lyrics and the title of the chapter is ok in bold too, but just random words... no. I also didn't like the way you seperated the P.O.Vs... It would've been better if you had changed P.O.V.s starting with the second chapter.

So there's some things to work on, but they call all be fixed relatively easily.

Good effort here, keep writing!

8/22/2007 c1 18J.S. Goldberg
Since you're new at writing and its hard to get people to read your stories sometimes,and I decided to check this out,I'm reviewing. Ok,first of all, I like the story line. Its different and it seems interesting. I found it funny when he was just staring at him. Haha.

Now, the critisism. There were some spelling errors. I could understand what you were trying to say,but try to work on that. Second, try to split it up more. It's kind of better to split it up especially if there's dialogue. It'll make it easier to read and it fills up pages. Overall, very good. And I'd like to see where this is going. ^_^

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