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for Gryphon's Gate

11/23/2007 c2 R.B. Mackensie
Greetings! I will try and give you the best suggestions I can offer, seeing that you wish to publish your story one day. Best of luck.

First off, take out your prelude; everything mentioned in your prelude can EASILY be developed in your story. Your prelude seems like more like an extended-summary, but if you plan someday to give this to a possible publisher, I doubt an editor is going to force himself past an info-dump...they get hundreds of submissions a day, they don't have the time or patience. However, if you start your story like this: "Oregon did indeed have a law decreeing that a helmet must be worn when flying—most states did." - WOW! I am MUCH more intrigued! Oregon? Flying? Dragon? Wha-? Cool!

The concept is novel; develop it slowly throughout your story, it can really add to the suspense and your reader's curiosities. And don't forget description. Treat Oregon like a regular made-up fantasy world. Not everyone has been there/lived there, so: What does it look like? "North to Portland." What lies South of Portland - does she live closer to the ocean or deep in the mountains? Develop setting early. Again, great idea (holy, it would be so cool if there were dragons in modern day)...but also think of how that would CHANGE the economy, politics, esc. You could REALLY go far with this idea, but it's going to take a lot patience, research, and devotion. Please continue!
8/28/2007 c2 Mercelyssatyr
This is the best story you've written in a long time, and that's saying something! I love the setting and how it takes place in Portland. All the Latin references are fun, too. The last line in the prologue, about riding the "night-scaled sky," was a little cheesey, but other than that I really like the style. So can dragons breathe fire here? I would doubt it . . . . Oh, and I love the pager idea, it's really creative. Just out of curiosity, how old is Diana now and what year is it (if you know)?

BTW, there's one little thing you might want to rephrase: In the line about Patticus, it's kind of unclear whether the brother or the feyhound died of cancer.

Overall, I think this is your best story idea yet. Sorry I couldn't be more critical! =)
8/22/2007 c1 24Hazeleyed Everglades
Wow. That's a gorgeous premise! I'm totally enthralled, even though kids who're five years old don't talk like babies. They talk pretty much like normal people at that point- it's just that their vocabs are limited and just about everything that comes out of their mouths is related to curiosity or innocence. Even their 'dirty jokes' are innocent! (Compared to... well, real dirty jokes. =P)

I love how you never actually said her name. :] I hope you continue this!

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