for Cage11/11/2008 c1 chowdeeer
Oh my Gosh ! I cannot expected that this short story really reflects in our everyday life until we die ... What a surprise for me ... Great story ... It relates to our reality today... Waw ! Great story ... It makes realize of many things in my life ... This is really a inspiring story especially to the people who has problem ! That's all ... Good bye ... by this story I shall add you to my fav author ! :)
Oh my Gosh ! I cannot expected that this short story really reflects in our everyday life until we die ... What a surprise for me ... Great story ... It relates to our reality today... Waw ! Great story ... It makes realize of many things in my life ... This is really a inspiring story especially to the people who has problem ! That's all ... Good bye ... by this story I shall add you to my fav author ! :)
7/2/2008 c1 
10Caecilia
This is dark and morbid. It's strong. I think it's pretty good for how long it is, seeing as most people aren't able to make something this short this good.
Very unusual view, I love it.
10CaeciliaThis is dark and morbid. It's strong. I think it's pretty good for how long it is, seeing as most people aren't able to make something this short this good.
Very unusual view, I love it.
4/11/2008 c1 3Virage
Ahh, very morbid but very good. I had to read it a few times to immerse myself in the language, but I believe I got what I wanted.
Some things to note:
You're story is very short, flash fiction, so every words has to work triple overtime.
"The thing that sits inside of me does not have a beating heart; it lies on my metal bars, its feathers strewn about, like a scattering of leaves from an autumn tree."
"The thing that sits inside me has no beating heart; it lies on metal bars, its feathers strewn about like a scattering of leaves from an autumn tree."
Very minor changes, but whether you intended or not, there is a lyrical quality to this story. It sounds very stress/unstress/stress and when read out loud, I can feel the rhythm.
"I'm not used to this..." if you cut the "usually" you'll have a stronger sentence, more agressive and to the point.
"The man replies, his voice..." Try using "a voice..." because you're pretty loaded on pronouns as is. Lots of his and hers in close approximation. I think the simple "a" also has a more subtle lyrical sound when joined with the rest of the sentence.
"The woman murmurs..." there's something about that entire paragraph that bothers me. It could be the "suddenly" or the "...towards me and grabs me..." parts. But I'm not sure, the rhythm disappears for a bit and its hard to say if the subsequent actions promote or hinder what your language.
The next paragraphs are freakin' clutch. It's damn fine prose I wouldn't even begin to argue with. Anyway, great story here. I saw your review for another story, Keba Si Rota, and thought, wow you know what you're talking about.
Maybe I'll check out your other stuff, but for now I need to scrounge up old friends. I have been away from FP for like a year, so there might be some pissy buddehs!
See ya!
3VirageAhh, very morbid but very good. I had to read it a few times to immerse myself in the language, but I believe I got what I wanted.
Some things to note:
You're story is very short, flash fiction, so every words has to work triple overtime.
"The thing that sits inside of me does not have a beating heart; it lies on my metal bars, its feathers strewn about, like a scattering of leaves from an autumn tree."
"The thing that sits inside me has no beating heart; it lies on metal bars, its feathers strewn about like a scattering of leaves from an autumn tree."
Very minor changes, but whether you intended or not, there is a lyrical quality to this story. It sounds very stress/unstress/stress and when read out loud, I can feel the rhythm.
"I'm not used to this..." if you cut the "usually" you'll have a stronger sentence, more agressive and to the point.
"The man replies, his voice..." Try using "a voice..." because you're pretty loaded on pronouns as is. Lots of his and hers in close approximation. I think the simple "a" also has a more subtle lyrical sound when joined with the rest of the sentence.
"The woman murmurs..." there's something about that entire paragraph that bothers me. It could be the "suddenly" or the "...towards me and grabs me..." parts. But I'm not sure, the rhythm disappears for a bit and its hard to say if the subsequent actions promote or hinder what your language.
The next paragraphs are freakin' clutch. It's damn fine prose I wouldn't even begin to argue with. Anyway, great story here. I saw your review for another story, Keba Si Rota, and thought, wow you know what you're talking about.
Maybe I'll check out your other stuff, but for now I need to scrounge up old friends. I have been away from FP for like a year, so there might be some pissy buddehs!
See ya!
10/26/2007 c1 5Muu
I love the language in this; it's very descriptive and it's an interesting perspective to write from. It seems I don't have a lot to say, but this was lovely.
5MuuI love the language in this; it's very descriptive and it's an interesting perspective to write from. It seems I don't have a lot to say, but this was lovely.
10/19/2007 c1 43je suis une pomme du terre
Wow... this was... er... wow. I love the sort of disembodied feeling you create here. The dead bird isn't really a strong image when we happen to walk by one splattered on the pavement or something, but you really play it up in this so that it's almost... a mournful sort of feeling. I loved this. Great job!
-T.H.
43je suis une pomme du terreWow... this was... er... wow. I love the sort of disembodied feeling you create here. The dead bird isn't really a strong image when we happen to walk by one splattered on the pavement or something, but you really play it up in this so that it's almost... a mournful sort of feeling. I loved this. Great job!
-T.H.
9/3/2007 c1 56felicia13
Amazing. Fen... you captured this feeling amazingly well. Suddenly, it doesn't matter that the people are mourning this bird because it's so UNCOMFORTABLE to feel it's form sitting inside you.
Getting the essence of non-living things is hard and almost never done well, but I love this. If I were in a position to give stars, you'd get seven.
Felicia.
56felicia13Amazing. Fen... you captured this feeling amazingly well. Suddenly, it doesn't matter that the people are mourning this bird because it's so UNCOMFORTABLE to feel it's form sitting inside you.
Getting the essence of non-living things is hard and almost never done well, but I love this. If I were in a position to give stars, you'd get seven.
Felicia.
8/31/2007 c1 CandleQueen
Wow...I just noticed I never reviewed you back for my poem. But I'm glad I did. Very interesting view point. *faving*
-Ramen
Wow...I just noticed I never reviewed you back for my poem. But I'm glad I did. Very interesting view point. *faving*
-Ramen
8/25/2007 c1 33WyrdWolf
Novel idea, Fen-Fen. Very interesting and well-said...reminds me a bit of that one YouTube video, the life of a pumpkin. Very strong.
Wolfie
33WyrdWolfNovel idea, Fen-Fen. Very interesting and well-said...reminds me a bit of that one YouTube video, the life of a pumpkin. Very strong.
Wolfie
8/24/2007 c1 3Jeanie Gordon
Wow... Um... That was certainly the most unique thing I've read on this site. I liked it. :) It was morbid but interesting. And it was short and sweet. Very good. Creepy. But good.
3Jeanie GordonWow... Um... That was certainly the most unique thing I've read on this site. I liked it. :) It was morbid but interesting. And it was short and sweet. Very good. Creepy. But good.