for Chained12/29/2008 c9 donxcat
sorry I have been neglecting you of late. Switching to a new computer and domestic emergencies have interfered. As usual a well constructed story clearly told also as an "old guy" sort of interesting.
sorry I have been neglecting you of late. Switching to a new computer and domestic emergencies have interfered. As usual a well constructed story clearly told also as an "old guy" sort of interesting.
9/12/2008 c4 amethyststone
i have to say...
that's really really good! i love the new aproach you've taken to a story with great such great potential! Kylie's sarcasm made me laugh a lot too, and the whole thing captivated me!
its got some really great detail and description added, with cool new twists and differences from the previous version.
constructive critisism?:
ermm... just to spice things up further, try thinking about how to use the some of the 5 senses in each scene: did she hear something? did he look or seem different today? etc etc etc.
also, maybe to get us more absorbed with Kylie and more involved in her experiences, use more of her emotions, more feelings of helplessness-without actually stating that she's helpless... like "why is this happening? i feel so lost-" so more of her thoughts and her imagination, does that make sense?
Just to make readers feel what she's feeling at that moment!
anywayss. hope thats been of some help. its a really great second start to the story, and obviously:
Update Soon
ciao
=]
x
i have to say...
that's really really good! i love the new aproach you've taken to a story with great such great potential! Kylie's sarcasm made me laugh a lot too, and the whole thing captivated me!
its got some really great detail and description added, with cool new twists and differences from the previous version.
constructive critisism?:
ermm... just to spice things up further, try thinking about how to use the some of the 5 senses in each scene: did she hear something? did he look or seem different today? etc etc etc.
also, maybe to get us more absorbed with Kylie and more involved in her experiences, use more of her emotions, more feelings of helplessness-without actually stating that she's helpless... like "why is this happening? i feel so lost-" so more of her thoughts and her imagination, does that make sense?
Just to make readers feel what she's feeling at that moment!
anywayss. hope thats been of some help. its a really great second start to the story, and obviously:
Update Soon
ciao
=]
x
9/2/2008 c2 
2SketchThySoul
whoA, i like where this is going =D, very suspenseful and the writing is very stylish, i wrote a short story called Bounty Hunter, u shud check that out =D
2SketchThySoulwhoA, i like where this is going =D, very suspenseful and the writing is very stylish, i wrote a short story called Bounty Hunter, u shud check that out =D
9/13/2007 c7 Amethyst-Stone
that is great!
yes i think you should rewrite he 1st chapter atleast.
it is always good to rewrite if you have spare time to do it in, because then you have another version of the chapter if you dont like the 1st version.
keep up theamazing writing
amethyst-stone-
that is great!
yes i think you should rewrite he 1st chapter atleast.
it is always good to rewrite if you have spare time to do it in, because then you have another version of the chapter if you dont like the 1st version.
keep up theamazing writing
amethyst-stone-
9/12/2007 c7 21angeloftheninthorder
Lyn sounds like a very cruel person. A Mis. side-effect maybe? Still this story is really good and I hope you will update it soon. As for pictures..Lyn sounds like someone who would have a dark outlook on life. Tave...Tave could look basically like any personality. Jeremy and Bradley (sp?), Kiley's other brothers, could be the same because they haven't been shown yet except for the brief glimpses through Kiley's or Tave's points of view.
21angeloftheninthorderLyn sounds like a very cruel person. A Mis. side-effect maybe? Still this story is really good and I hope you will update it soon. As for pictures..Lyn sounds like someone who would have a dark outlook on life. Tave...Tave could look basically like any personality. Jeremy and Bradley (sp?), Kiley's other brothers, could be the same because they haven't been shown yet except for the brief glimpses through Kiley's or Tave's points of view.
9/12/2007 c6 angeloftheninthorder
"...Mis. responding in the military way"? More suspense! Brilliant!
"...Mis. responding in the military way"? More suspense! Brilliant!
9/12/2007 c5 angeloftheninthorder
That chapter makes me want to reread it. How did Derek break those hand cuffs? Hmm.
That chapter makes me want to reread it. How did Derek break those hand cuffs? Hmm.
9/12/2007 c3 angeloftheninthorder
Hmm. This chapter was interesting, but it seemed slightly odd that Kiley would cry on Tave's shoulder. Something to do with the Mis. in Tave and his connection with her? I will read more now...
Hmm. This chapter was interesting, but it seemed slightly odd that Kiley would cry on Tave's shoulder. Something to do with the Mis. in Tave and his connection with her? I will read more now...
9/12/2007 c2 angeloftheninthorder
I love that you have switched this chapter to show a different side to the story. I didn't see any mistakes in this chapter or the other one, so your good with that. I really love the suspense you pack into your stories.
I love that you have switched this chapter to show a different side to the story. I didn't see any mistakes in this chapter or the other one, so your good with that. I really love the suspense you pack into your stories.