for Dear Me,4/23/2008 c3 
1onlyuptosaveit
Wow... that was really good ;D
I like how Bri had to take the fall for the murders... nice twist... same with Bri being buried near David... that was ironic but a good ending.
Jessica
1onlyuptosaveitWow... that was really good ;D
I like how Bri had to take the fall for the murders... nice twist... same with Bri being buried near David... that was ironic but a good ending.
Jessica
9/9/2007 c3 Tiger-Sparks
Great!
As i was reading the second to last paragraph i was thinking, 'well at least she's alive' but then i read about the suicide and was like 'oh' xP
Great story! I love it!
So does the last part mean that Brianna's body was buried next to David's then? Aww poor Ashley :(
KeL xx
Great!
As i was reading the second to last paragraph i was thinking, 'well at least she's alive' but then i read about the suicide and was like 'oh' xP
Great story! I love it!
So does the last part mean that Brianna's body was buried next to David's then? Aww poor Ashley :(
KeL xx
9/2/2007 c2 16a-random-writer
Overall, this is pretty good. There are some parts in this chapter that seem to jump around a bit.
Also, when you wrote:
"Silently, Ashley dropped from the old Maple tree's branch and landed on the ground. She crept around the building and noticed that only two cars were there- David's and Ashley's. That meant her parents were out: perfect."
Firstly, there is some potential confusion in the second sentence. Instead of "...two cars were there-David's and Ashley's" you could write "...two cars were there-David's and her own" or something like that. THat way you aren't using names too much and sounding repetative.
Secondly in hte third sentence "That meant her parents were out..."
When you put 'her' some people might assume Ashley's 'rents. Putting 'Brianna's parents' would clarify.
Thirdly, your character's seem a little bland...almost too made up. There is a definate realistic-ness to them but...I can't quite put my finger on it...crap.
Anywho...great story, keep up the good work and good luck!
16a-random-writerOverall, this is pretty good. There are some parts in this chapter that seem to jump around a bit.
Also, when you wrote:
"Silently, Ashley dropped from the old Maple tree's branch and landed on the ground. She crept around the building and noticed that only two cars were there- David's and Ashley's. That meant her parents were out: perfect."
Firstly, there is some potential confusion in the second sentence. Instead of "...two cars were there-David's and Ashley's" you could write "...two cars were there-David's and her own" or something like that. THat way you aren't using names too much and sounding repetative.
Secondly in hte third sentence "That meant her parents were out..."
When you put 'her' some people might assume Ashley's 'rents. Putting 'Brianna's parents' would clarify.
Thirdly, your character's seem a little bland...almost too made up. There is a definate realistic-ness to them but...I can't quite put my finger on it...crap.
Anywho...great story, keep up the good work and good luck!
9/2/2007 c1 just me
She's really angry. Is she insane? Well, it sounds more like still in love with him but there isn't much of a difference...
She's really angry. Is she insane? Well, it sounds more like still in love with him but there isn't much of a difference...
8/31/2007 c1 Tiger-Sparks
I really like this. He he, she's going to shoot them ^-^. Did i sound to happy there? Whoops ^-^
KeL xx
I really like this. He he, she's going to shoot them ^-^. Did i sound to happy there? Whoops ^-^
KeL xx
8/30/2007 c1 197the Stranger in the moonlight
The beginning was really good, though the ending was too violent/dramatic for my tastes. Interesting writing though.
~the Strange rin the moonlight
197the Stranger in the moonlightThe beginning was really good, though the ending was too violent/dramatic for my tastes. Interesting writing though.
~the Strange rin the moonlight