for The Words Weren't Yours3/28/2008 c3 
3Mercyette
Sorry for the late reply, but school's been a royal...yeah. Anyway, onto the review. I thought this chapter was really cute. Imlike the scene between her and her brother. I have little brothers, unfortunately, so I'm very familiar with the "boy smell". And if it were my song that someone copied, I'd totally file a lawsuit and rake in the cash! There were a couple of typos I noticed, but nothing too big. It was a great chapter and I look forward to reading more!
3MercyetteSorry for the late reply, but school's been a royal...yeah. Anyway, onto the review. I thought this chapter was really cute. Imlike the scene between her and her brother. I have little brothers, unfortunately, so I'm very familiar with the "boy smell". And if it were my song that someone copied, I'd totally file a lawsuit and rake in the cash! There were a couple of typos I noticed, but nothing too big. It was a great chapter and I look forward to reading more!
3/27/2008 c3 criti-sized
Awesome chapter. It made me smile throughout it in anticipation of what you were going to have mext. I could relate to the earphones getting jammed in her ears, it happens to me almost everyday with my younger brother. Some new song he thinks I should hear, lol.
I kinda sense tha the characters srt of lost their footing in this chapter though. There felt like there were so many ideas in your head that they came of all over the place in your writing.
C.S.
Awesome chapter. It made me smile throughout it in anticipation of what you were going to have mext. I could relate to the earphones getting jammed in her ears, it happens to me almost everyday with my younger brother. Some new song he thinks I should hear, lol.
I kinda sense tha the characters srt of lost their footing in this chapter though. There felt like there were so many ideas in your head that they came of all over the place in your writing.
C.S.
3/21/2008 c2 criti-sized
Another interesting chapter. I liked the character ineractions in this chapter, it felt more relaxed and realistic than the first. I also like how you showed more emotion in your characters also in this chapter.
C.S.
Another interesting chapter. I liked the character ineractions in this chapter, it felt more relaxed and realistic than the first. I also like how you showed more emotion in your characters also in this chapter.
C.S.
3/21/2008 c1 criti-sized
Lol, this chapter was nice. Your characters are interesting and even though mischievous, as reaslistic as teens come. The scenario where she was taunting her teacher was funny. I rememer doing similar things in high school with my brothers.
There isn't much for me to say about the story build and grammar-wise, besides the fact that I'm not much of a person to look for that all the time. Maybe, just as a suggestion, though. You could have not so much dialogue. I noticed that it tended to take over the descriptions you had.
C.S.
Lol, this chapter was nice. Your characters are interesting and even though mischievous, as reaslistic as teens come. The scenario where she was taunting her teacher was funny. I rememer doing similar things in high school with my brothers.
There isn't much for me to say about the story build and grammar-wise, besides the fact that I'm not much of a person to look for that all the time. Maybe, just as a suggestion, though. You could have not so much dialogue. I noticed that it tended to take over the descriptions you had.
C.S.
3/9/2008 c2 asklefjaeihog
Sorry, I'm late with my reviews! Anyways, still a Reviewers-Found review for you.
This was an interesting chapter, and it held my attention pretty thoroughly, which is always a good thing. I like how you get the reader in on the goings on. Also, I find the plot totally intriguing; how a normal girl can lead a secret life. And it's super cool that she is a millionaire song lyricist. I'd totally do that, if I could write songs ^.^
However, I find the syntax very distracting. Most of your sentences are short and choppy, and they don't have a very good flow. I would suggest merging together some short sentences. Also, maybe add more description? The feeling I get is that things happen very fast, and before I can invest myself into one activity, something else entirely happens. The reader's attention is shifted before they can fully appreciate the current situation. You catch my drift?
Hope this helps!
-Rachel
Sorry, I'm late with my reviews! Anyways, still a Reviewers-Found review for you.
This was an interesting chapter, and it held my attention pretty thoroughly, which is always a good thing. I like how you get the reader in on the goings on. Also, I find the plot totally intriguing; how a normal girl can lead a secret life. And it's super cool that she is a millionaire song lyricist. I'd totally do that, if I could write songs ^.^
However, I find the syntax very distracting. Most of your sentences are short and choppy, and they don't have a very good flow. I would suggest merging together some short sentences. Also, maybe add more description? The feeling I get is that things happen very fast, and before I can invest myself into one activity, something else entirely happens. The reader's attention is shifted before they can fully appreciate the current situation. You catch my drift?
Hope this helps!
-Rachel
3/5/2008 c2 Mercyette
Aww, I like the little scene you had with her friends teasing her about Ryan. It's pretty cute. You seem to really capture the teenage "tongue", if you will. I don't really like "extreme cussing", but, again, that's just a personal preference. It seems to be picking up, good job!
Aww, I like the little scene you had with her friends teasing her about Ryan. It's pretty cute. You seem to really capture the teenage "tongue", if you will. I don't really like "extreme cussing", but, again, that's just a personal preference. It seems to be picking up, good job!
3/5/2008 c1 Mercyette
Hi from Reviewer's Found!
I have to say that your summary was what really got me interested in this story - well choosing this one instead of the others. It really manages to "suck" the reader in. I like your vocabulary in this piece and I like the ending as well. I sort of wish that more had happened in the beginning, but then again, it's just the first chapter. Reading on!
Hi from Reviewer's Found!
I have to say that your summary was what really got me interested in this story - well choosing this one instead of the others. It really manages to "suck" the reader in. I like your vocabulary in this piece and I like the ending as well. I sort of wish that more had happened in the beginning, but then again, it's just the first chapter. Reading on!
3/2/2008 c1 asklefjaeihog
Reviewers Found!
This is an interesting start, and overall, a pretty well-put together first chapter. Your summary is intriguing enough that you want to read on because you know Talia has a secret, but you've only hinted at it thus far. There were a couple of lines I particularly liked:
"I loved them a lot – at a distance." It's very honest and leaves quite the impression.
And I loved another line about putting her thoughts on pause while she attended to the world around her. I just think that's a neat idea.
There were also a couple of lines I could do without, though:
"“What happened?” they chorused. Well, not exactly chorused, but you get the picture." The second line to that is distracting, because if you don't say what you mean (and mean what you say), then the reader can't really pick up on what your intended meaning is.
*Go easy on the "you know?"s. In fact, I'd limit it to one strategically placed "you know". Otherwise, it becomes a little repetitive and distracting.
Hope this helps!
-Rachel
Reviewers Found!
This is an interesting start, and overall, a pretty well-put together first chapter. Your summary is intriguing enough that you want to read on because you know Talia has a secret, but you've only hinted at it thus far. There were a couple of lines I particularly liked:
"I loved them a lot – at a distance." It's very honest and leaves quite the impression.
And I loved another line about putting her thoughts on pause while she attended to the world around her. I just think that's a neat idea.
There were also a couple of lines I could do without, though:
"“What happened?” they chorused. Well, not exactly chorused, but you get the picture." The second line to that is distracting, because if you don't say what you mean (and mean what you say), then the reader can't really pick up on what your intended meaning is.
*Go easy on the "you know?"s. In fact, I'd limit it to one strategically placed "you know". Otherwise, it becomes a little repetitive and distracting.
Hope this helps!
-Rachel
12/11/2007 c8 12elisefey
I really enjoy how you manage to create a narrative voice; I almost feel as though I'm having a conversation with Natalia, or I'm inside her head when I read this story. She sounds very natural, which is impressive because sometimes your grammar is a little awkward, so having that narrative voice anyway is really a testament to your natural ability as a writer!
I'm just a little confused as to why the story is listed as Young Adult/Humor because it seems very serious and sad (for instance, the stuff with her mom is sad) at least half the time. Maybe it should be Young Adult/Humor/Drama? Though, I must say, you write her internal struggles with all these emotions very well and believably. And Ryan is funny sometimes and I like the plot point of her lyrics being stolen-I'd really like to see where that goes and how/if she'll work with the other writer! I want to see what he's like, it feels like humor and tension waiting to happen!
Keep it up!
12elisefeyI really enjoy how you manage to create a narrative voice; I almost feel as though I'm having a conversation with Natalia, or I'm inside her head when I read this story. She sounds very natural, which is impressive because sometimes your grammar is a little awkward, so having that narrative voice anyway is really a testament to your natural ability as a writer!
I'm just a little confused as to why the story is listed as Young Adult/Humor because it seems very serious and sad (for instance, the stuff with her mom is sad) at least half the time. Maybe it should be Young Adult/Humor/Drama? Though, I must say, you write her internal struggles with all these emotions very well and believably. And Ryan is funny sometimes and I like the plot point of her lyrics being stolen-I'd really like to see where that goes and how/if she'll work with the other writer! I want to see what he's like, it feels like humor and tension waiting to happen!
Keep it up!
11/24/2007 c1 smileee
hii hii ;)
I really enjoyed reading the first chapter. You didn't rush into the plot and that's a good thing!
Sounds like Ryan isn't really found of his mother? I wonder what made his face tighten when he was talking to his mom.
On to read chapter two...
hii hii ;)
I really enjoyed reading the first chapter. You didn't rush into the plot and that's a good thing!
Sounds like Ryan isn't really found of his mother? I wonder what made his face tighten when he was talking to his mom.
On to read chapter two...
11/21/2007 c8 Eire Rain
Sorry it took me so long to review this chapter! I really liked it. It got down to the meat of their family issues, which is something I've been wanting to see in this story from the beginning. There were also some really good lines. I especially liked this one: "I doubt she could even see me." It was one of those lines that always means more than just a description. Her eyes are dull from sickness, yes, but it's more than that. She literally *can't* see her family anymore or see how much they are suffering. I still love Ryan, and even though I get the feeling that they will not get together, I can't help but hope. :) Talk to you soon! Update! Happy holidays!
-Carol Ann
Sorry it took me so long to review this chapter! I really liked it. It got down to the meat of their family issues, which is something I've been wanting to see in this story from the beginning. There were also some really good lines. I especially liked this one: "I doubt she could even see me." It was one of those lines that always means more than just a description. Her eyes are dull from sickness, yes, but it's more than that. She literally *can't* see her family anymore or see how much they are suffering. I still love Ryan, and even though I get the feeling that they will not get together, I can't help but hope. :) Talk to you soon! Update! Happy holidays!
-Carol Ann
11/17/2007 c8 killer chipmunk
Either you didn't write why her mother likes
that or I don't remember but why is she like that?
I mean I think you might have wrote a little
something on the matter but I don't think it
explained it.Anyways can you help me out?Please.
Still good though.
Either you didn't write why her mother likes
that or I don't remember but why is she like that?
I mean I think you might have wrote a little
something on the matter but I don't think it
explained it.Anyways can you help me out?Please.
Still good though.
11/16/2007 c8 20Twilight Starr
Good addition. Nice job describing the "battle of wills". Have a wonderful day.
~Twilight Starr~
20Twilight StarrGood addition. Nice job describing the "battle of wills". Have a wonderful day.
~Twilight Starr~
10/22/2007 c7 Eire Rain
"I sighed internally, wondering if sighs could be actualized and colored so that when someone sees, he would understand." - my favorite line. Really meaningful, because it's one of those things that everyone is always thinking but nobody says.
I'm glad you included some info about her family in this chapter. It really helped me to see more into her life. Are you going to bring back the whole stolen-lyrics thing? I'd really like to see what happens with that situation.
I liked the scene with Ryan. Sometimes I can imagine something "happening" there (if you catch my drift), but then I just think. . . no, I don't really *want* anything to happen there. Their friendship is very sweet and uncomplicated.
In answer to your question from my last review, playing hooky is not un-American, but the school not caring about it is. I've pretty much been forced to be in school my whole life. There's never been a time when the school has said, "We don't care if you show up or not" (unless it's a holiday). So that's all I meant.
Good luck on your exam! Tomorrow too huh? I'll say a prayer for you. Talk to you soon!
Carol Ann
"I sighed internally, wondering if sighs could be actualized and colored so that when someone sees, he would understand." - my favorite line. Really meaningful, because it's one of those things that everyone is always thinking but nobody says.
I'm glad you included some info about her family in this chapter. It really helped me to see more into her life. Are you going to bring back the whole stolen-lyrics thing? I'd really like to see what happens with that situation.
I liked the scene with Ryan. Sometimes I can imagine something "happening" there (if you catch my drift), but then I just think. . . no, I don't really *want* anything to happen there. Their friendship is very sweet and uncomplicated.
In answer to your question from my last review, playing hooky is not un-American, but the school not caring about it is. I've pretty much been forced to be in school my whole life. There's never been a time when the school has said, "We don't care if you show up or not" (unless it's a holiday). So that's all I meant.
Good luck on your exam! Tomorrow too huh? I'll say a prayer for you. Talk to you soon!
Carol Ann