for Clockwork4/11/2008 c1 
22Starleaf
I liked it. Interesting twist, I knew something tragic had to have happened to her to cause her to go crazy like that. There's room for improvement with the grammer and stuff, like "The hot water from the shower does little to wake me up but it did relax muscles I wasn’t aware I was tensing." You don't tense your muscles voluntarily, it just happens when you're stressing. And its better to keep the same tense, like saying "The hot water from the shower does little to wake me up, but it DOES relax..." etc.
Other than a few silly mistakes that all of us make, including myself, I thought it was good :D
22StarleafI liked it. Interesting twist, I knew something tragic had to have happened to her to cause her to go crazy like that. There's room for improvement with the grammer and stuff, like "The hot water from the shower does little to wake me up but it did relax muscles I wasn’t aware I was tensing." You don't tense your muscles voluntarily, it just happens when you're stressing. And its better to keep the same tense, like saying "The hot water from the shower does little to wake me up, but it DOES relax..." etc.
Other than a few silly mistakes that all of us make, including myself, I thought it was good :D
9/2/2007 c1 2C.Sabbadin
You had a lot of split infinitives. An example is: "As soon as I hit the street, I refrained from inhaling the “fresh” morning air, preferring to not hack up a lung."
You would say" not to hack up a lung." Always put not or never in front of the infitive (EX: to hack up, to walk, to leave, etc.)
Also "...the white haired nurse trailed off before continuing her rounds." It should be "white-haired" instead of "white haired."
This was interesting but you need to edit a little.
2C.SabbadinYou had a lot of split infinitives. An example is: "As soon as I hit the street, I refrained from inhaling the “fresh” morning air, preferring to not hack up a lung."
You would say" not to hack up a lung." Always put not or never in front of the infitive (EX: to hack up, to walk, to leave, etc.)
Also "...the white haired nurse trailed off before continuing her rounds." It should be "white-haired" instead of "white haired."
This was interesting but you need to edit a little.
9/1/2007 c1 FrEnChMaN
Hey,
I'm a fellow author on fictionpress... This is one good piece of work, I've got say... Feels like something out of a movie...
Cheers!
FrEnChMaN
Hey,
I'm a fellow author on fictionpress... This is one good piece of work, I've got say... Feels like something out of a movie...
Cheers!
FrEnChMaN