5/18/2008 c2 2theflyingcrabsareeatingmyhair
Okay, working to get money for college is something that I can definitely relate to, so I'm going to give you my very best with a super in depth review! Also, if you're really serious about getting some good criticism, then I advise you to run this story through the Review Game a few times. The in-depth section in particular is going to get you some very nice notes. The Review Game is the top forum of the General section, so you can't miss it! (There is also a link on my profile).

-2nd paragraph: It's good that you appeal to all of the senses here, but the constant juxtaposition of mismatching sensory images (bitter yelp, tangible haze flooding from buzzing light) makes it seem a bit forced. While this kind of imagery is good in small, spare doses, using so much of it at once can really ruin its effect, and distracts from the main idea rather than enhancing it. If this is a style that you're fond of, then I advise you to tread into it slowly - as the story goes on, slowly and gradually use this method of description more frequently, so that as it comes on, the reader merely marvels at the artistry of its delivery, rather than thinking that you're losing your mind. To be honest though, not only is that very difficult to pull off effectively, but I feel that this is not the ideal style to use for it.

Also to be noted: the birth imagery here is almost too harsh. While the harsh setting is a good one, it seems as though you're trying to force the reader into one particular way of interpreting the scene. I think that the beginning would be more effective if you made it slightly more subtle. For instance, one example of you forcing the interpretation is when you label his yelp as his "first cry".

If it's important that you interpret this scene in this manner, then you should save the interpretation for later, after you introduce the context that is forcing it.

3rd-Paragraph: repetition of bitter seems somewhat ineffectual. A synonym would be more poignant here, in my opinion. Besides, bitter war, no offense, seems kind of lame. Of course a war is going to be bitter. That just comes with the package. I don't want to seem rude, but couldn't you say something a little more insightful?

Birthing room... right now (*possibly* because you've already pushed it so hard, but that's not a definite reason), I'm feeling like that's a touch cliche for the opening of a story. If you have to talk about a birth scene, couldn't you be a little more figurative? I feel as though the opening is too commonplace, which compels me to think that the rest of the story might be, too. You do have a novel style, at least to me, to describe this in, don't get me wrong; the subject matter just isn't pulling me in.

However, I really like what you're doing with the light at this point. Causes pain at birth; obviously at odds with the notion that light is life giving, calls to mind questions about the nature of this light or the nature of this life, and hearkens back to the obvious question of where the hell this man was born *from*.

4th Paragraph- Very nice. You give the scene a definite tone, you characterize him a little, and of course, you very adeptly describe everything. My one crit would be the ending line: Where was everyone? Why would he expect anyone to be there? Such a coherent notion seems to suggest that this man is NOT an infant being born in the traditional way (as though falling to the ground wasn't already clearly indicative of that). Moreover, this only leads to further confusing, given the idea that there may not have been a person involved in his birth at all. If that's the case, then why would he expect anything but to be alone?

As the scene goes on... (I've gotten to the italics now): What is this man's obsession with the notion that he has just been born? That's the kind of thing that would be noticed in retrospect, or by the narrator alone. If his body is in such bad shape as you say, why would he even be thinking about that? I can understand his desire not to be alone, but this yearning for a doctor or midwife seems more than a tad overdone.

Also, when an emaciated body falls to a hard tile floor, the sound that comes to mind is not a "slap"; more like a thud... most notably, I would expect such a fall, with the bones devoid of fat or muscle cushioning for the most part, to be accompanied by a pain so sharp, intense, and unexpected that any thought of the sound made is completely wiped from the mind.

It's cute, how smoothly you move from a birth scene to a judgment after death one. Again, the explicit manner that you describe everything sucks most of the joy out of interpreting the piece, but this is an instance where, once you get past the obvious symbolism, you cam move into a more subtle layer, dealing with the other aspects of the scene. At this point, I don't really feel comfortable drawing any conclusions about these deeper meanings, but the idea of them is firmly planted in my head.

One paragraph is especially spectacular... it's right after "'Enjoying your time up there?'"... starts, "This new voice almost spoke again..." ends, "consisted of radiance". What an amazing description! :D It has feeling, ti has rhythm, it really sucked me up and put me right there in the scene! I could FEEL the light. (The screaming is pretty superfluous, but I'm too involved in the rest of the paragraph to be too thrown by that little detail).

-Off Topic-

OMG, I'm getting tired of this. These kinds of reviews can really wear a person out. And I'm only half way through... but I will persevere. You could really use this... whether or not this piece would win any contest reviewed by people who know what their doing and being compared to pieces by amazing writers... well, let's put it this way, it's not that certain. It seems like a good piece, but overworked is an understatement. It seems like you barely know what you're saying half the time. That can be a good thing, but only when its fully genuine. This feels overcrafted... to the point where it's no longer a crafted work. You need to tone it down a bit.

Okay, I'm sorry, but I really can't go on in the depth that I was. I don't want to be mean, but I don't really like this piece much - although a good chunk of that is plain old personal preference, rather than necessarily being any deficiency in your writing. It definitely has potential. One of your stronger points is your vast vocabulary throughout the piece. While that doesn't *always* work to your advantage, for the most part, it gives variety and color to the entire work.

You broke up your paragraphs way too many times. while I understand the halted, jerky nature of the story, it's distracting and irritating to have to break off what I was reading to go on to another paragraph that doesn't introduce any new idea and truly feels as though it should be a part of the previous paragraph (which of course reached no logical conclusion, either).

The dialog is pretty good. It's mysterious (though perhaps not as much as it could have been -_-), and it gives a slight color to the captors. It would be better if you could develop some more distinct personalities in them. You state that there are multiple people talking, but it really sounds as though they all have the same personality.

The old? man is another disparate character. It seems as though you, the author, have a very sketchy grasp on him. At times, your grasp is so tentative that it seems as though he'll simply fade away into the recesses of your mind. How you managed to hold him together as a concrete persona until the end is beyond me. Now, reading this, it might seem as though this ambiguous nature is a good thing, one that reflects the nature of this plot and story, and adds an element to its tone. With a little work, it might do just that. Right now, though, the only thing this does is show an inadequacy on the part of the author. Maybe you could have done a better job on this, but the point is that you didn't.

I'm sorry that I seem so harsh on you, but since this is the only thing I've read of your writing, I can't say whether I think you have more potential. It doesn't really show in this piece. While you have a good idea, and there seem to be many things you can do with it (actually, the "idea" is more of a "style"... you really haven't started anything here in terms of a real plot), but there isn't any evidence that you personally can go any further with it right now. What I have read of your writing (a review and your profile) was pretty average. Nothing particularly stood out for me. What that says to me is that this is the pinnacle of your work right now. Maybe it's better than my own, maybe it's not. I've still read considerably better work just on here. I wish you the best of luck with this though.

P.S. Sorry to be so rude at the end. When I started this, it really wasn't my intention. However, when I invest a lot of work into reviewing something, and then feel very unsatisfied at the end given the amount of work I've put into it, I tend to get a little, well, crabby (no pun intended). I truly hope that you win the scholarship, and I hope that I was able to help despite my increasing weariness and irritation. I'm sorry to say that I don't think I'll be reading anymore, however, since disliking a piece in the first chapter can only mean a worse response when I give lengthy reviews to the later ones, and I don't think it's fair to put either one of us through that. I do think that you should look into the Review Game, however. Unless you stick your story into a very slow topic like the multi-chapter in-depth review section, you're likely to get a review back within a few hours, or a day at the most.

Once again, good luck.

9/4/2007 c2 21Doctor Vile
Fascinating start. Some lovely little touches, too: "blue veins swelled under papery skin," for example. And I love the word "Anathema;" in fact, I've been looking for an excuse to use it in a piece of writing recently. I want more.