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for Unattraction

1/8/2008 c1 1The Five
This is E from The Five. This was... disturbing. In a good way, of course. "Don't touch my slippers." I liked that! Keep it up!
12/17/2007 c1 6SilverTwilight
So many twists and turns, so it's very interesting. You have many spelling things (which other ppl have already pointed out) but I think they're type-os. Slow down! At least your sentences sound intelligent. Oh, right. You don't like compliments.

I thought it was a little too unrealistic the way she was talking to him, just the way you worded a couple things. But then again, it was a daydream. It's pretty late right now, too, so I'm not making much sense. Good job, anyhow. Perhaps, its length is perfect the way it is, the way it was intended to be. But I will definitly check back on your other stuff.


12/9/2007 c1 23ShinjiTakeyama
"wanna go back my place" to my place

"take a\his hand" lol, huh?

"Are trying to" you trying

"shining it’s golden" a problem i run into as well, the form of its. its is possessive already, it's means it is.

"couch was still place on the left" still, in its place?

"my eyes of them" off

"lead ,y to the elegant" lead me?

"before the pillage" they

"I toke a fork" the toke monster!

"raised a fist a hammered" and hammered

"snapped back reality" back to

so...lets get the bad news out of the way first. (see above) not really horrible. easy to fix, and they don't really detract from the writing. one thing i would have a large suggestion on, is breaking up that really huge descriptive paragraph into several. even when that's doublespaced, it looks like a wall, and not many people can handle jumping over walls of text, even if they're as entertaining as that one.

now onto the positive (of which that last comment was part of) you've captured freaking magic my friend. your use of first person in this single chapter can be used as an example of just what kind of power the narrative holds in writing. it was funny, detailed, and the way you broke into a random daydream on the spot like that, also bore great realism (at least to me). this is one of the best bits of amateur writing i've read in some time. if you don't continue this story, i'm gonna hurt you...i don't know how yet, but i swear i will. :) i was a little worried the way it was starting with the chick just throwing herself at the guy at the beginning, but then you turned it around. the only other thing i'm worried about (and this is premature, considering i don't know what kind of story this is yet) is the girl. to tell you the truth, i loved the fact that you skipped some description due to the shirt, and then focused directly onto the slippers. there are a lot of people who would, not technically make a mistake, but write out any female character as some drop dead gorgeous bombshell. depending on what the story is, i would say sometimes it's warranted, and sometimes it's just unimaginative and catering to the masses.

you neither gave too much or too little so far.

now give me more!
11/29/2007 c1 145dfgsfdghftgt44
Wow, this was really really good. I was quite impressed at the end when he murdered her and then it turns out he was imagining it. That was pulled off extremely well! I appluad your talent on that one! :D

~Cirien Phoenix

P.S. Thanks for the review on "Gallery Show." Sorry it took me a month to return your review! Between work, school, and a social life, there's not enough time in the world to do everything, haha. I'm really glad that you liked my piece though and I appreciate that you took the time to review! :D
9/30/2007 c1 1AluminumMuse
Pretty good, I like the idea and the way you incorporate his personality through humor, it remind me of Scott Westerfeld’s Peeps (which is a fantastic book in the Young Adult section, if you ever have the time, read it).

There are some grammatical and structural errors, so I would advise you to get a beta to do a quick run through.

The switch from third person to second person was rather confusing, and there are some past and present tense confusions, but nothing major.

I think your paragraph describing his house could be broken up into pieces, it would make it easier to read (especially in the web format).

And other than that, you're golden!

Feather La
9/17/2007 c1 6It Was Written
You ass dat shyt was stupid expectchapter 12 by tuesday but itz gonna be short since chapetr 13 is gonna be really long

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