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for What Isn't Mine

7/27/2008 c1 24Amarone
First of all, the rhyming is brilliant - it is consistent throughout the entire piece, and never once sounds forced. That's pretty amazing. The first line really drew me in - usually it's the opposite case. I also adore the rather 'formal', 'old-style' feel to it. The repetition is nicely executed as well - it really gets your point across. The piece flows quite smoothly, except for the 'To you, my love, I am inclined' sounds a bit rough. Overall though, I like the concept best - and you portrayed it beautifully. Great job, well written. :)
6/19/2008 c1 59Kikyuu
The starting line is instantly interesting, the way you've used "shall not" instead of something more casual. I don't like that you've used the word 'kind' in "For it is a sin, but a sin so kind" - this isn't the right context to use it in. Most of the rhyme flows quite naturally, except for "To you, my love, I am inclined". I like the line "My head is clear, yet my heart is blind", but I think, again, you could use a lot more punctuation than you have. You could also try splitting the poem up into several stanzas.
6/17/2008 c1 495mate.feed.kill.repeat

I loved the rhyming in this piece, and especially the super-formal English style you used. "I shall not want waht isn't mine / Neither memory nor moment's time"
6/17/2008 c1 15miscellanea
Your poem had a nice flow, and although your angle is unique, you put across your point well - especially with the line 'My head is clear, yet my heart is blind.' I also liked the repetition of 'I shall/must/will/can not want what isn't mine' It worked as a constant reminder, but with the subtle changes moved the poem forward. Good Work.
9/22/2007 c1 8One Scarred Hand to the Other

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