for What Isn't Mine7/27/2008 c1 
24Amarone
First of all, the rhyming is brilliant - it is consistent throughout the entire piece, and never once sounds forced. That's pretty amazing. The first line really drew me in - usually it's the opposite case. I also adore the rather 'formal', 'old-style' feel to it. The repetition is nicely executed as well - it really gets your point across. The piece flows quite smoothly, except for the 'To you, my love, I am inclined' sounds a bit rough. Overall though, I like the concept best - and you portrayed it beautifully. Great job, well written. :)
24AmaroneFirst of all, the rhyming is brilliant - it is consistent throughout the entire piece, and never once sounds forced. That's pretty amazing. The first line really drew me in - usually it's the opposite case. I also adore the rather 'formal', 'old-style' feel to it. The repetition is nicely executed as well - it really gets your point across. The piece flows quite smoothly, except for the 'To you, my love, I am inclined' sounds a bit rough. Overall though, I like the concept best - and you portrayed it beautifully. Great job, well written. :)
6/19/2008 c1 59Kikyuu
The starting line is instantly interesting, the way you've used "shall not" instead of something more casual. I don't like that you've used the word 'kind' in "For it is a sin, but a sin so kind" - this isn't the right context to use it in. Most of the rhyme flows quite naturally, except for "To you, my love, I am inclined". I like the line "My head is clear, yet my heart is blind", but I think, again, you could use a lot more punctuation than you have. You could also try splitting the poem up into several stanzas.
59KikyuuThe starting line is instantly interesting, the way you've used "shall not" instead of something more casual. I don't like that you've used the word 'kind' in "For it is a sin, but a sin so kind" - this isn't the right context to use it in. Most of the rhyme flows quite naturally, except for "To you, my love, I am inclined". I like the line "My head is clear, yet my heart is blind", but I think, again, you could use a lot more punctuation than you have. You could also try splitting the poem up into several stanzas.
6/17/2008 c1 495mate.feed.kill.repeat
Beautiful!
I loved the rhyming in this piece, and especially the super-formal English style you used. "I shall not want waht isn't mine / Neither memory nor moment's time"
495mate.feed.kill.repeatBeautiful!
I loved the rhyming in this piece, and especially the super-formal English style you used. "I shall not want waht isn't mine / Neither memory nor moment's time"
6/17/2008 c1 15miscellanea
Your poem had a nice flow, and although your angle is unique, you put across your point well - especially with the line 'My head is clear, yet my heart is blind.' I also liked the repetition of 'I shall/must/will/can not want what isn't mine' It worked as a constant reminder, but with the subtle changes moved the poem forward. Good Work.
15miscellaneaYour poem had a nice flow, and although your angle is unique, you put across your point well - especially with the line 'My head is clear, yet my heart is blind.' I also liked the repetition of 'I shall/must/will/can not want what isn't mine' It worked as a constant reminder, but with the subtle changes moved the poem forward. Good Work.