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for A Tale of Mercacia

3/7/2008 c12 1Tearsofthemoon77
NO! It was going so well! No fair! WA! I like romance books, so I guess I will hang around and help. UPDATE SOON!
12/19/2007 c12 17Anehalia
Just post as soon as you got the thing reworked and I'll read it. I am always hungry for something more to read.
11/20/2007 c11 Anehalia
To keep from getting monotomous (?), you should stop sending the girl over water falls and get a real quest started. Have something weird happen so that all the sudden Mercacia is fighting for its life. Have her meet up with people she knew. Through in stange unexpected twists around every turn. Keep going with this story. To tell you the truth, I kept checking ALMOST every day to see if you had written more. Keep writing.
11/11/2007 c10 6thx4allthefish
Only a couple of parts that were a little confusing near the end of the chapter.

1. When you said (right before the A/N) that she was plunging to her death, it sounds like she wanted to die. If she wanted to die, then why did she fight against the waterfall so vigouroulsy? What caused her change in heart?

If you didn't mean to make it sound like she wanted to die, then you have to change the first part, "Purposefully retracting my wings and plunging towards my death at the bottom of the water". (Also, quick side note, that's a sentence fragment)

One other quick note: "make-you-want-to-wish-you-were-dead pain". Right now, the way that you have it worded means that she wanted to wish she was dead. It's rather easy to do that. I think what you wanted to say way, "wish you were dead", because dying is a little bit harder to achieve than wishing you were going to die.
11/10/2007 c10 17Anehalia
Your story is progresing along well. Let's put it this way, you have a couple of spelling mistakes. You asked for a name of a place? Heres one, Arvod. Like it?

Nice story.
10/18/2007 c1 2KinleyRoe22
Very good Chapter long and Nice! LOVE IT!
10/18/2007 c9 KinleyRoe22
OH nice and long Chapter! love it ^^
10/17/2007 c9 6thx4allthefish
Ohh... the plot thickens...

Happy Birthday! Sucks that it's not on a weekend, though.

You've made a lot of improvements since the first time i reviewed :) I really like this story.

You do have a couple of typos in this chapter, but that's about it. Akari seems very fickle.
10/13/2007 c8 7SandStonesSilk
Wow! You have some real talent!
10/13/2007 c8 2KinleyRoe22
great last two chapters! it kind of makes me mad people aren't reading this... it is really good. WHich i hope other people are reading it...

if it isn't too much i kind of just posted a story and i was wondering if you could read it and tell me how it is? you don't have too if you don't want to

~SI
10/7/2007 c6 KinleyRoe22
YAY you updated! great chapter!
10/7/2007 c2 KinleyRoe22
Good story! Keep writing!
10/3/2007 c1 thx4allthefish
The prologue is very useful... I always thought that lorem were a type of sheep like thing.

You could touch it up just a LITTLE pit (stress on the little), like "experience new and exciting experiences". A little redundant... other than making it a little more flowing, it's great.

Can't wait for the next chapter!
9/30/2007 c1 6thx4allthefish
Okay... don't take this the wrong way, but you have a lot to work on.

First of all, WOW you just threw a TON of information at me... I now have like 10 little cliffhangery snippets and a bajillion new characters to keep track of... but I don't really know that much about them. Or where they are, for example. You need more set-up.

Second, you need to define your little animal thingys. Just because you know what a lorem is, doesn't mean I do.

Try to add in more detail so that I know more about the world around her (akari) - what lives in it, what it looks like, what happens...

Some REALLY small sidenotes:

1. With the whole prophecy thing, it sounds kinda weird when she doesn't talk archaicly until the three last words... be consistant.

2. When you're writing in dashes - like this one - put a space around both sides, otherwise it seems like a hyphen (i. e. blue-green is hyphenated, but "moved away-it was impossible" should be changed so it looks like a dash

Again, the only reason I'm spending so much time on this is because I think that you have potential... If I didn't, I would just move on. PLEASE don't take this the wrong way, keep writing, and don't step on lorem poop!
9/26/2007 c1 xdatenshix
I first of all must say as an honest friend that there are still some improvements to make on your story. First of all, You should elaborate a bit more on the emotions of the main character in places such as when Fai "disappeared" at the beginning of the maze. Did Akari feel heartbroken, terrified, or hopeless? If you don't want to elaborate on Akari's emotions in those places, try having a paragraph break in between the scream and the next sentence. Second of all, sometimes it's a bit hard for me to follow your ideas, like in the beginning of the book when Akari lied to Fai and then went off crying in her favorite spot. I had to pause for a moment to figure out why Akari had been crying.

Please don't let this review discourage you from writing, though, because with just a few tweaks to the story, it'll be great.

Sincerely, datenshi!

P.S. Great story line.

P.P.S. I'd love it of you gave me constructive criticism like this on my fanfic too because truthfully, it's a lot more helpful than reviews that praise when the story is really crappy (not that yours is)

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