for The Past, The Present4/3/2012 c3 
1The Light's Refrain
(Something I forgot last chapter: I see Glidas is left-handed. Considering his possessed episodes, you might want to look into something called Alien Hand Symdrome for ideas)
Now the father has left to deal with the soulseekers...and I have a bad feeling that he's not coming back. The whole tainted child thing is interesting, but the old woman delivering the message is rather cliche and boring.
I understand that you are currently revising things, and I hope my comments help.
1The Light's Refrain(Something I forgot last chapter: I see Glidas is left-handed. Considering his possessed episodes, you might want to look into something called Alien Hand Symdrome for ideas)
Now the father has left to deal with the soulseekers...and I have a bad feeling that he's not coming back. The whole tainted child thing is interesting, but the old woman delivering the message is rather cliche and boring.
I understand that you are currently revising things, and I hope my comments help.
4/3/2012 c2 The Light's Refrain
Ah, and so the hero meets the princess. He falls in love easily, doesn't he? :P Then there is the masked stranger as well, and these soulseekers...
Varlek and his wife are adorable together. Ramoth is funny, but his introduction feels weird. I think it would have worked better if he had been introduced, or at least mentioned, in the previous chapter. He just comes out of nowhere right now.
Errors
"Several of them took note of Varlek's arrival and greeted at him with manners, to be returned by a kindly smile from their leadert (leader)"
"Keeping the steward's word in mind, Varlek made his way to the king dutifullym (dutifully),..."
Ah, and so the hero meets the princess. He falls in love easily, doesn't he? :P Then there is the masked stranger as well, and these soulseekers...
Varlek and his wife are adorable together. Ramoth is funny, but his introduction feels weird. I think it would have worked better if he had been introduced, or at least mentioned, in the previous chapter. He just comes out of nowhere right now.
Errors
"Several of them took note of Varlek's arrival and greeted at him with manners, to be returned by a kindly smile from their leadert (leader)"
"Keeping the steward's word in mind, Varlek made his way to the king dutifullym (dutifully),..."
4/3/2012 c1 The Light's Refrain
Finally got around to reading this. Already I think I understand things better now, though the whole amnesia/dark secret thing is a bit cliche.
I liked the father/son fight, and how they were always tricking each other. You take on Excaliber as a shape-shiftng sword is interesting.
A few minor errors:
"It was really tiring. The half hour break you gave me just now isn't enough even for a short nap," started Glidas." -second quote not needed.
Thinking that he was a lost (child) and Varlek...
Otherwise things look god so far.
Finally got around to reading this. Already I think I understand things better now, though the whole amnesia/dark secret thing is a bit cliche.
I liked the father/son fight, and how they were always tricking each other. You take on Excaliber as a shape-shiftng sword is interesting.
A few minor errors:
"It was really tiring. The half hour break you gave me just now isn't enough even for a short nap," started Glidas." -second quote not needed.
Thinking that he was a lost (child) and Varlek...
Otherwise things look god so far.
7/22/2010 c3 Equilibrium
Hey. Sorry this review is so very late - I'm all caught up with VISA arrangements and vocal training.
Anyhow, I'm glad you (finally) updated. This rewrite certainly has a lot more depth to it than the original version. ^_^
Hope to read more soon.
Hey. Sorry this review is so very late - I'm all caught up with VISA arrangements and vocal training.
Anyhow, I'm glad you (finally) updated. This rewrite certainly has a lot more depth to it than the original version. ^_^
Hope to read more soon.
7/11/2010 c1 JuniperRhose
A good beginning, but there are a few things to watch out for that could really improve the flow of your story.
The second sentence: "His gauntlet was an important token to himself, and never a day he left home without this piece of metal marched to his right hand" is awkward, mostly because of the second half of the sentence. Maybe try saying something along the lines of "and there wasn't a day he left home without it on his right hand." or something.
You do a good job of explaining what's going on and what they're wearing/wielding, and even why they're important. However, there are quite a few sentences like the one I mentioned above where you start of well, but then the sentence rambles on into descriptions and ends abruptly. I'd advise watching out for that.
Also, just a few mistypes here and there, word-wise. For example: "the weapon arrived on his metallic grasp" instead of "in". "You did pretty good, Gildas," instead of "pretty well."
The transition from him being sure of his advantages when fighting his father to so angry he was beyond listening is very quick and I didn't see it coming before you told me he was angry. If they train every day, how is this session angering him so much more than the others?
A good beginning, but there are a few things to watch out for that could really improve the flow of your story.
The second sentence: "His gauntlet was an important token to himself, and never a day he left home without this piece of metal marched to his right hand" is awkward, mostly because of the second half of the sentence. Maybe try saying something along the lines of "and there wasn't a day he left home without it on his right hand." or something.
You do a good job of explaining what's going on and what they're wearing/wielding, and even why they're important. However, there are quite a few sentences like the one I mentioned above where you start of well, but then the sentence rambles on into descriptions and ends abruptly. I'd advise watching out for that.
Also, just a few mistypes here and there, word-wise. For example: "the weapon arrived on his metallic grasp" instead of "in". "You did pretty good, Gildas," instead of "pretty well."
The transition from him being sure of his advantages when fighting his father to so angry he was beyond listening is very quick and I didn't see it coming before you told me he was angry. If they train every day, how is this session angering him so much more than the others?
6/15/2009 c1 Counting Petals
"The grey silk of his robe was once beautiful and elegant, but not now anymore; the dust had made it their homes. The hood which was covering his neck was now brown in colour, and hiding among beneath the cloth were some dried blood stains. His greasy hair losing its golden colour, soaked with sweat, and he wiped it away from blocking his eyes." - There are just a few extra words in here. Try taking out the "now" in the first sentence, "which was" and "among" in the second sentence and "and" and "blocking" in the third sentence. Also, take out the first comma in the third sentence and replace it with an "and".
"Despite of his pleading..." - Take out "of"
"Soon, two strong men came into her assistance and they successfully separated the child away from her." - Change "into" to "to" and take out "away".
"No human, no child would let out such an evil smile." - I think this sentence would have a greater effect if you switched it around at the beginning, making it "No child, no human".
Other than grammar, I didn't see anything wrong with this chapter. Your English is very good =)
Happy writing!
-Steph
"The grey silk of his robe was once beautiful and elegant, but not now anymore; the dust had made it their homes. The hood which was covering his neck was now brown in colour, and hiding among beneath the cloth were some dried blood stains. His greasy hair losing its golden colour, soaked with sweat, and he wiped it away from blocking his eyes." - There are just a few extra words in here. Try taking out the "now" in the first sentence, "which was" and "among" in the second sentence and "and" and "blocking" in the third sentence. Also, take out the first comma in the third sentence and replace it with an "and".
"Despite of his pleading..." - Take out "of"
"Soon, two strong men came into her assistance and they successfully separated the child away from her." - Change "into" to "to" and take out "away".
"No human, no child would let out such an evil smile." - I think this sentence would have a greater effect if you switched it around at the beginning, making it "No child, no human".
Other than grammar, I didn't see anything wrong with this chapter. Your English is very good =)
Happy writing!
-Steph
4/20/2009 c7 7Ty Scott
Pretty short, but I have absolutely no problems with it save the usual grammar issues. Good stuff.
7Ty ScottPretty short, but I have absolutely no problems with it save the usual grammar issues. Good stuff.
4/19/2009 c6 Ty Scott
Okay, the action in this chapter was much more believable than in the previous one. Great job! The main suggestion I have here is to watch how and when you describe Glidas' fatigue. From what I was reading, he seemed to get pretty tired out in just the first half of the big fight scene, and I had no idea how he could last as long as he did afteward. It sounded a little bit like: "Glidas was getting really tired", and then moved to all kinds of action and then "Glidas was getting really tired" again, almost like you changed your mind about how tired he was part-way through. Other than that, I don't really have any issues with this chapter. A little rough, yes, but good overall.
Okay, the action in this chapter was much more believable than in the previous one. Great job! The main suggestion I have here is to watch how and when you describe Glidas' fatigue. From what I was reading, he seemed to get pretty tired out in just the first half of the big fight scene, and I had no idea how he could last as long as he did afteward. It sounded a little bit like: "Glidas was getting really tired", and then moved to all kinds of action and then "Glidas was getting really tired" again, almost like you changed your mind about how tired he was part-way through. Other than that, I don't really have any issues with this chapter. A little rough, yes, but good overall.
4/17/2009 c5 Ty Scott
The first half was good. The second... with all the magic stuff, I didn't care for. It was, I guess, overdone. Way too long a space of time when a giant hunk of wall is flying at you. Realistically, all that should have happened in the span of a few seconds, depending on from how far the chunk was tossed. You probably want to evoke a greater sense of urgency, and one of the best ways to do that is be brief in the action, and then do descriptions after the event concludes. I'd also probably like this part better if I knew more about Lerhk - he's only been mentioned, I believe, once before this. It'd probably be to your advantage to give him a little more personality before he gets involved in a large event. Some backstory on his magical abilities - or at least magical weapon - could also help :)
-Trey
The first half was good. The second... with all the magic stuff, I didn't care for. It was, I guess, overdone. Way too long a space of time when a giant hunk of wall is flying at you. Realistically, all that should have happened in the span of a few seconds, depending on from how far the chunk was tossed. You probably want to evoke a greater sense of urgency, and one of the best ways to do that is be brief in the action, and then do descriptions after the event concludes. I'd also probably like this part better if I knew more about Lerhk - he's only been mentioned, I believe, once before this. It'd probably be to your advantage to give him a little more personality before he gets involved in a large event. Some backstory on his magical abilities - or at least magical weapon - could also help :)
-Trey
4/15/2009 c4 Ty Scott
No problem with all the constructive criticism. I know I appreciate when I get it, so I figured I might as well give some of my own. And now for more:
In terms of progressing the plot, it was pretty good. Also had a little bit more developement in character relationships, but not much was new there. I really liked how you described the witch, too. But overall the chapter didn't go very far - it was pretty shallow. Your descriptions in general could be more expansive, and that would make it better. I feel like there's a lack of background - there is some, but it's not enough to bring your world to life for me, yet. Your characters are better, but it's like seeing three dimensional characters in a two dimensional world. That will probably change as I move further into the story, but you probably want to create that believable space from the start, and just develop it even more as you spread out to new locations. Like starting in a single room (the initial setting), moving out to the other rooms of the house (the city), and then going outside and describing locations around there as necessary (the world). Good luck, and I'll be back with more later.
-Trey
No problem with all the constructive criticism. I know I appreciate when I get it, so I figured I might as well give some of my own. And now for more:
In terms of progressing the plot, it was pretty good. Also had a little bit more developement in character relationships, but not much was new there. I really liked how you described the witch, too. But overall the chapter didn't go very far - it was pretty shallow. Your descriptions in general could be more expansive, and that would make it better. I feel like there's a lack of background - there is some, but it's not enough to bring your world to life for me, yet. Your characters are better, but it's like seeing three dimensional characters in a two dimensional world. That will probably change as I move further into the story, but you probably want to create that believable space from the start, and just develop it even more as you spread out to new locations. Like starting in a single room (the initial setting), moving out to the other rooms of the house (the city), and then going outside and describing locations around there as necessary (the world). Good luck, and I'll be back with more later.
-Trey
4/14/2009 c3 Ty Scott
Ooh, the plot thickens! I had mixed feelings on this one. It was pretty good, but there were some ideas and desriptions in there that seemed pretty cliche and unoriginal. So you may want to watch that. Other descriptions were really, good, though, so on that account I was split. I also had a problem with the idea of the Soulseekers - just from what I know of them so far, this sounds like something I've heard in plenty of other stories. I believe that my mind may be changed in future reading, but it would be nice if you could foreshadow some more unique traits of the Soulseekers. Also that whole meeting scene was pretty quick and rough - you may want to smooth it over, but I guess that's what your rewrite is for. A good cliff hanger at the end, and so I shall continue my analysis in the near future.
Ooh, the plot thickens! I had mixed feelings on this one. It was pretty good, but there were some ideas and desriptions in there that seemed pretty cliche and unoriginal. So you may want to watch that. Other descriptions were really, good, though, so on that account I was split. I also had a problem with the idea of the Soulseekers - just from what I know of them so far, this sounds like something I've heard in plenty of other stories. I believe that my mind may be changed in future reading, but it would be nice if you could foreshadow some more unique traits of the Soulseekers. Also that whole meeting scene was pretty quick and rough - you may want to smooth it over, but I guess that's what your rewrite is for. A good cliff hanger at the end, and so I shall continue my analysis in the near future.
4/14/2009 c2 Ty Scott
Much cleaner than the prologue. I also like Varleck more than from when we first met him, and what has been seen of his relationship with his wife is entertaining. Who Glidas has become from that ragged and cursed child is also of interest, and I'm wondering how the events of the past - and perhaps his missing memories - will come back to haunt him. The imagery in his description is also really good. I am still quite intrigued by the story, and shall continue reading. On a side note, good luck with your rewrite. That process can make a huge difference, but also change a lot of things in a surprising way. And it can be a lot of work. I should know after having gone through at least five rewrites of my story before even posting any of it on fictionpress. Not to mention all the rewrites I've done for things like school essays.
Much cleaner than the prologue. I also like Varleck more than from when we first met him, and what has been seen of his relationship with his wife is entertaining. Who Glidas has become from that ragged and cursed child is also of interest, and I'm wondering how the events of the past - and perhaps his missing memories - will come back to haunt him. The imagery in his description is also really good. I am still quite intrigued by the story, and shall continue reading. On a side note, good luck with your rewrite. That process can make a huge difference, but also change a lot of things in a surprising way. And it can be a lot of work. I should know after having gone through at least five rewrites of my story before even posting any of it on fictionpress. Not to mention all the rewrites I've done for things like school essays.
4/13/2009 c1 Ty Scott
Hey, thanks for the review on my own story! I figured I should return the favor!
I'm certainly intrigued by what I read in the first chapter - Glidas is already a very interesting character. He reminds me, in a way, of my own dark protagonist... as well as a character that will not be introduced to my story unless I write a sequel. He is of a character type that particularly interests me, so I may just have to keep reading, haha.
It is certainly rough, but I know you said English isn't your first language so I let the spelling and grammar errors pass. I do want to say, though, that I have a problem with Varlek. There is no explanation behind his actions, and without that he just seems like a goody-goody knight of the kind that really annoys most people. So be careful, there.
I look forward to reading further on.
Hey, thanks for the review on my own story! I figured I should return the favor!
I'm certainly intrigued by what I read in the first chapter - Glidas is already a very interesting character. He reminds me, in a way, of my own dark protagonist... as well as a character that will not be introduced to my story unless I write a sequel. He is of a character type that particularly interests me, so I may just have to keep reading, haha.
It is certainly rough, but I know you said English isn't your first language so I let the spelling and grammar errors pass. I do want to say, though, that I have a problem with Varlek. There is no explanation behind his actions, and without that he just seems like a goody-goody knight of the kind that really annoys most people. So be careful, there.
I look forward to reading further on.
10/19/2008 c35 Equilibrium
Shyves and Glidas have got to be the angstiest (if there's even such a word) couple I've ever read. I'm starting to wonder if they're really suited for each other or not.
Interesting chapter. Be careful with that grammar!
Shyves and Glidas have got to be the angstiest (if there's even such a word) couple I've ever read. I'm starting to wonder if they're really suited for each other or not.
Interesting chapter. Be careful with that grammar!
9/27/2008 c34 3HeroR
Hey, been awhile since I got a chance to read this story and grats on the one year anniversary :)
The story and coming along nicely and nice cliffhanger, can't wait to see what happen next. You writing has really improve since the beginning of the story, so keep up the good work.
Happy writing to you.
3HeroRHey, been awhile since I got a chance to read this story and grats on the one year anniversary :)
The story and coming along nicely and nice cliffhanger, can't wait to see what happen next. You writing has really improve since the beginning of the story, so keep up the good work.
Happy writing to you.