for The Past, The Present8/4/2008 c32 Equilibrium
Finally, a confession from Glidas! (He sure took his own sweet time, didn't he?)
Nice chapter. I liked the dream/vision thing.
Finally, a confession from Glidas! (He sure took his own sweet time, didn't he?)
Nice chapter. I liked the dream/vision thing.
7/29/2008 c31 Equilibrium
Nice chapter, as usual. This was a bit slow-moving, though. One thing I must criticise is how you write dialogue when a character is stuttering or breathless - the extra letters per word are overdone.
Other than that, good job! Can't wait for the next chapter.
Nice chapter, as usual. This was a bit slow-moving, though. One thing I must criticise is how you write dialogue when a character is stuttering or breathless - the extra letters per word are overdone.
Other than that, good job! Can't wait for the next chapter.
7/6/2008 c30 Equilibrium
Nice. I think Glindor has become my second favourite character, after Glidas. He's cool in an evil sort of way.
Keep writing!
Nice. I think Glindor has become my second favourite character, after Glidas. He's cool in an evil sort of way.
Keep writing!
7/1/2008 c29 Equilibrium
Great fight scene, equally great killing scene. I do believe I like Mr. Grey-hair - he reminds me of Thirteen.
Sorry I can't stay long. School beckons.
Great fight scene, equally great killing scene. I do believe I like Mr. Grey-hair - he reminds me of Thirteen.
Sorry I can't stay long. School beckons.
6/26/2008 c19 
3HeroR
Aw, the cast is together again. Good to see that Glidas is still alive (like would die like that.)
Good chapter, keep it up:)
3HeroRAw, the cast is together again. Good to see that Glidas is still alive (like would die like that.)
Good chapter, keep it up:)
6/20/2008 c1 4Ignus
I have just started reading and I am already entranced by the storyline and Gildas especially.
4IgnusI have just started reading and I am already entranced by the storyline and Gildas especially.
6/19/2008 c1 2The Good Reviewer
Soaked with sweats, he wiped...-sweat
Their gazes, hazel black eyes, met for not longer than five second,...-seconds
Glidas looked away (the knight) his eyes before the staring had became (too) intense.
He failed to explain why his muscles could relax in front him, but not everyone else. -I don't understand?
Not a single person he had come across with could care(,) even him the slightest about him, but this knight he was rather different.
He looked his eyes up...-He looked up...
and fixated them at the knight's face...-on the knight's face.
while he mouthed 'thank-you...-I don't think you need the quotations.
What he needed to do was (stop) the child from doing something stupid, at least. -I think it would sound beter without at least.
After what it seemed eternity...-delete 'it'.
Glidas hadn't made the wrong turning into this dead end, then he would not be able to catch up with him. -If Glidas hadn't made the mistake of turning into a dead end, then he would not have been able to catch up with him.
not showing any sign of exhausting-exhaustion
He could see all it now...-it all now.
"Snap it out!" ...I think you mean 'Snap out of it' or 'Cut it out.'
the child didn't care his words at all...-didn't take to his words at all.
...at Glidas' limped body when his vision (re)formed. -'limp'
He doesn't want to die...-'didn't want to die,'
in front of his very eyes was not convincing him that he was still alive...-was = were
Varlek in his gaze. "Who are you?" (h)e said.
A shook from the child's head...-'The child shook his head no.'
You have a problem with tenses...is english not your first language? Also anytime you words after dialouge, that isn't a name, it is lowercased.
Anywho...I think everything happened a bit sudden and you don't have tons of description, so I would add some of that. I won't be able to read the next chapter for about a week. I have 14 other stories and I'm going camping in two days, for two days.
See you later! :)
2The Good ReviewerSoaked with sweats, he wiped...-sweat
Their gazes, hazel black eyes, met for not longer than five second,...-seconds
Glidas looked away (the knight) his eyes before the staring had became (too) intense.
He failed to explain why his muscles could relax in front him, but not everyone else. -I don't understand?
Not a single person he had come across with could care(,) even him the slightest about him, but this knight he was rather different.
He looked his eyes up...-He looked up...
and fixated them at the knight's face...-on the knight's face.
while he mouthed 'thank-you...-I don't think you need the quotations.
What he needed to do was (stop) the child from doing something stupid, at least. -I think it would sound beter without at least.
After what it seemed eternity...-delete 'it'.
Glidas hadn't made the wrong turning into this dead end, then he would not be able to catch up with him. -If Glidas hadn't made the mistake of turning into a dead end, then he would not have been able to catch up with him.
not showing any sign of exhausting-exhaustion
He could see all it now...-it all now.
"Snap it out!" ...I think you mean 'Snap out of it' or 'Cut it out.'
the child didn't care his words at all...-didn't take to his words at all.
...at Glidas' limped body when his vision (re)formed. -'limp'
He doesn't want to die...-'didn't want to die,'
in front of his very eyes was not convincing him that he was still alive...-was = were
Varlek in his gaze. "Who are you?" (h)e said.
A shook from the child's head...-'The child shook his head no.'
You have a problem with tenses...is english not your first language? Also anytime you words after dialouge, that isn't a name, it is lowercased.
Anywho...I think everything happened a bit sudden and you don't have tons of description, so I would add some of that. I won't be able to read the next chapter for about a week. I have 14 other stories and I'm going camping in two days, for two days.
See you later! :)
6/18/2008 c1 1Jess Megan
Since you reviewed me, I'm returning the favor! Don't take any offense to anything I say. I'm going to review as I read, its easier.
"Welcome to... his never-ending nightmare..." I think you could just omit that and the introduction would be much more powerful.
"That was his very ...another step forward."
This can all be so much simpler, like:
"The unfamiliar city amazed him. Taking a step forward, he ignored the wonderful feelings the crowded streets gave him."
I notice a lot of repetition. like here:
"heir eyes froze him, gazing at him with suspicion"
"wondered" should be "wonder"
"The child couldn't help but wondered, and then he looked down at his ragged robe.
It must be my appearance…"
This might be better as:
"He was confused but the looked down.
It must be my appearance..."
or something like that.
Also, avoid being overly dramatic. The less dramatic you try to be the more dramatic it would come across.
Anyway, good idea and good start! i hope i was of some help!
1Jess MeganSince you reviewed me, I'm returning the favor! Don't take any offense to anything I say. I'm going to review as I read, its easier.
"Welcome to... his never-ending nightmare..." I think you could just omit that and the introduction would be much more powerful.
"That was his very ...another step forward."
This can all be so much simpler, like:
"The unfamiliar city amazed him. Taking a step forward, he ignored the wonderful feelings the crowded streets gave him."
I notice a lot of repetition. like here:
"heir eyes froze him, gazing at him with suspicion"
"wondered" should be "wonder"
"The child couldn't help but wondered, and then he looked down at his ragged robe.
It must be my appearance…"
This might be better as:
"He was confused but the looked down.
It must be my appearance..."
or something like that.
Also, avoid being overly dramatic. The less dramatic you try to be the more dramatic it would come across.
Anyway, good idea and good start! i hope i was of some help!
6/13/2008 c16 3HeroR
I was right, Ightzon is a jerk. Although, Glidas only falls into a river of water and the guy thinks he is dead. This kinds of run into the stupid villain cliché.
Overall, good chapter and pacing. Keep up the good work and happy writing:)
3HeroRI was right, Ightzon is a jerk. Although, Glidas only falls into a river of water and the guy thinks he is dead. This kinds of run into the stupid villain cliché.
Overall, good chapter and pacing. Keep up the good work and happy writing:)
6/13/2008 c15 HeroR
Nice battle. Ightozon seems pretty tough, but he is an over-confident jerk.
Can wait to see what will happen next:)
Nice battle. Ightozon seems pretty tough, but he is an over-confident jerk.
Can wait to see what will happen next:)
6/13/2008 c28 Equilibrium
Nice! I laughed a lot at the cookie bit. And Glidas' stargazing was great in an angsty, depressing sort of way. Plus, I like the new plot developments and the mysterious new character. Evilness and ash-gray hair? He reminds me of Thirteen.
Nice! I laughed a lot at the cookie bit. And Glidas' stargazing was great in an angsty, depressing sort of way. Plus, I like the new plot developments and the mysterious new character. Evilness and ash-gray hair? He reminds me of Thirteen.
6/12/2008 c28 sdffds
This story's seems very promising, you've improved a lot since I've last read your story, or reviewed. :P I'm back! :D Well, a little brushing up on your grammar and then you should be fine.
This story's seems very promising, you've improved a lot since I've last read your story, or reviewed. :P I'm back! :D Well, a little brushing up on your grammar and then you should be fine.