Just In
for Ocean

1/11/2008 c1 Three Days Before Graceland
What do you mean by the clear blue consuming your body? Are you missing a word, the clear blue waters? And why are you drowning, are you scared of drowning? Did you fall out of a boat? And you wouldn't drown that way, you would gasp, struggle, attempt to break your way to the surface. The last line, you are gone. You are gone as soon as you drown, so that's irrelevant. No passing through clouds or whatnot. You are gone as soon as your lungs fill with water. You can't drown in a few seconds, a few seconds is like.. what three.. four? As soon as you reach the reefs of the ocean, baby, you're dead as stone. No few seconds later after you reach the bottom of the ocean is possible.

How can you float pass the land? If your spirit is coming from your body, from the ocean and it is floating straight up, it would be floatig over the water. Into the sky and all that mystical stuff. If you were floating over land would mean you was actually flying. From the water to the land. And why would you spirit do that?

I like poems, but I at least want them to make sense. You are attempting to sound poetic and tragic, it just come off as physically impossible; and this has nothing to do with your soul floating to bliss.. or heaven.. or whatever your religion allow you to believe.
9/25/2007 c1 Needa S
Great descriptions...shivers...Awesome write!

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