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8/12/2013 c3 4F.D. Charles
This has to be the best written emotional story i have encountered, a great and sad story it was :( *sniff*
8/12/2013 c1 F.D. Charles
I really like this story :) Please right more
7/15/2012 c4 76The Autumn Queen
And we're back to the iffy beginnings. Opening a scene with dialogue is always a gamble, but I think you missed the mark with this one. It's simply not necessary. We can infer everything there is to infer about that statement by the paragraph that follows it, and the sentence after the dialogue bit is a much more attractive beginning.

["Oh—look how cute you are in this one Rachel!" My mother squeals, in that voice only mothers can seem to emit.] - "my" should be lowercase.

[nd put my / backpack] - why a random page-break?

[One of them said.] - should be lower case one.

[The one who had originally invited me to play with them asked.] - ditto. You've done it a few more times too.

"I like the "ultimate sigh of separation" - it shows a mix of youth and the cliched vengeance we're used to seeing - only this one somewhat tackled the head of it. It also shows how much time has passed by the reply; labels maturity in the narrator, and acceptance. It also speaks well of her character.

Ohana from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
7/15/2012 c3 The Autumn Queen
I rather like the beginning of this one. I was about to give up on your beginnings, however the natural imagery contrasting with the man-made technology is really attractive, particularly in the context of the title. Now that's a beginning that does invite me to read on.

I like the depth you've put into the description as well. At first I wondered about the deviation from your usual style, but then I reached the part where the scene changed, and it all clicked into place. The extra description helps paint the picture and masks the confusion more effectively than saying things are different - you've done a good "show" here.
7/15/2012 c2 The Autumn Queen
Hehe, I like the mention of Pokemon. Quite the popular anime. I think I remember the spice girls too...vaguely. Damn, that makes me feel old (and I am /not/ that old). Anyway, I like the list of things you mentioned in highlighting the "strangeness" of the narrator. They're not things that are painfully obvious, but they're common enough to see how it's more a matter of context and society norms in terms of "strangeness" than something starkingly obvious. It shows well the impact of social stigmas/labels by use of a simple list - I can just see this leading up to issues of acceptance/bullying - that kind of thing.

I don't really like how you started the story off though. It's a pretty cliched line, and not only that, you go from talking to the audience in a geeral manner to talking about yourself with very little transition. And on top of /that/, it doesn't really relate to the next paragraph at all. I'd have preferred it better to be honest if you /hadn't/ had that first paragraph.
7/15/2012 c1 The Autumn Queen
I'm in two minds about your beginning. On one side, it makes me read slowly because of the use of commas, which I don't like because it's nerve-grating to be forced to read things so slowly, but once I read it, the imagery was quite powerful. I do think though, on the whole, that it's not a great idea to have sentences as jerky as that - it almost didn't want to invite me to the end. The thing about beginnings is that they have to be attractive, and one thing about that is to have it so the reader doesn't have to work extra hard.

I like the ending on the other hand; a nice wrapping up from the beginning. Links back to the vital vibrant image of the first line (as well as the action within the middle) and leaves behind a fatigued feeling. Not a happy ending, but not a sad either. Simply tired.

Ohana from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
6/15/2011 c4 NothingxGoldxCanxStay
I liked this last chapter about the little kids. I think I would have enjoyed it more if the ending and flashbacks were more clearly defined, but it was still really sweet.

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